Our host has known we have DID for 4 years now, and I’m still struggling to adjust to being seen and acknowledged.
When we first formed, I wasn’t really Jordan I was sort of just a dissociated part that was there to handle our abuse. I didn’t really start figuring out my identity and who I was until we were older.
I spent most of my life watching things happen from the inside and then fronting when I had to handle abuse. It was exhausting and I ended up doing a lot of bad things trying to protect us. The heaviest part was that I mostly existed to take abuse because I was supposed to be stable enough to handle it. But years of physical and emotional abuse piled onto me kinda broke me. I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard. I didn’t want to be a punching bag for everyone that hurt us.
So I tried to communicate. I started leaving notes around, I would try to speak internally, but it didn’t work. Our host didn’t notice me. I felt drained and exhausted. All I really wanted was someone to acknowledge me but it didn’t work. I felt completely alone all the time and resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
After a year of trying to communicate, I was finally heard. Our host noticed me. It was relieving, but I had no idea how to respond to people caring about me and knowing about me. I was annoying and I’d hurt our body through drug use and self harm (though I wasn’t the only one of us who did that). It just felt liberating to finally be seen as me.
I’ve gotten better at dealing with my behavior, but I still haven’t properly healed from years of abuse. I know I will eventually, but it’s definitely not easy. I’m very insecure and anxious about everything, especially if I think someone is going to leave me.
I’m not sure why I made this, but I wanted to share this somewhere because I don’t think i’m comfortable sharing this with the rest of the system yet.
-Jordan (he/him)