This isn't easy

Our host has known we have DID for 4 years now, and I’m still struggling to adjust to being seen and acknowledged.

When we first formed, I wasn’t really Jordan I was sort of just a dissociated part that was there to handle our abuse. I didn’t really start figuring out my identity and who I was until we were older.

I spent most of my life watching things happen from the inside and then fronting when I had to handle abuse. It was exhausting and I ended up doing a lot of bad things trying to protect us. The heaviest part was that I mostly existed to take abuse because I was supposed to be stable enough to handle it. But years of physical and emotional abuse piled onto me kinda broke me. I wanted to be seen, I wanted to be heard. I didn’t want to be a punching bag for everyone that hurt us.

So I tried to communicate. I started leaving notes around, I would try to speak internally, but it didn’t work. Our host didn’t notice me. I felt drained and exhausted. All I really wanted was someone to acknowledge me but it didn’t work. I felt completely alone all the time and resorted to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

After a year of trying to communicate, I was finally heard. Our host noticed me. It was relieving, but I had no idea how to respond to people caring about me and knowing about me. I was annoying and I’d hurt our body through drug use and self harm (though I wasn’t the only one of us who did that). It just felt liberating to finally be seen as me.

I’ve gotten better at dealing with my behavior, but I still haven’t properly healed from years of abuse. I know I will eventually, but it’s definitely not easy. I’m very insecure and anxious about everything, especially if I think someone is going to leave me.

I’m not sure why I made this, but I wanted to share this somewhere because I don’t think i’m comfortable sharing this with the rest of the system yet.

-Jordan (he/him)


I’m sorry you had to go through that. The thought of not being noticed to even exist through all that suffering and pain sounds terrifying. And not even being noticed by someone in your own system, and having to deal with that alone, sounds extremely painful. I’m sorry you had to be alone through all that, I can’t personally understand that but thinking about it, that sounds very scary. hugs
But you made them aware, you found better coping mechanisms, you accomplished alot from that. You accomplished alot through all of this, I’m happy for you ( ꈍᴗꈍ)
I’m anxious and insecure about stuff constantly too, and I’m always worrying about people leaving, whether it’s intrasystem or outside world I always worry about that, but it’ll be okay, because you are still here, you are still alive, and that will never change <3
I’m glad you have a place to open up about this, we will always be here to listen.



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