Five years ago I was 21 and ready to take life by the horns. I grew up in a town in Alabama and always knew that wasn’t where I belonged, so I took all of the money I had saved and moved myself all the way to Oregon, where I knew no one. I had a dream of exploring the world and creating music along the way. After a year and a half of living in Portland and loving it, I decided once again to move myself, this time to Denver, Co. After being here for a year and feeling like I was finally figuring this life thing out, things took a turn for the worse.
Driving home from my job I felt as if I was dying. Literally convinced myself while I was driving, that this was the end. Little did I know this was a panic attack. That panic attack shook me up a little bit, but after visiting a GP and receiving medication, I felt like things were going well until two weeks later I had another panic attack at work, which led to a er visit, and ultimately led me to where I’m at now. After this I was housebound with my fears for 6 months, but I was able to work through it over the last two years and was back working (in my neighborhood) and was able to even drive about 10 minutes away. That was all going well until about a month ago.
A month ago I had a complete relapse back into anxiety. I moved into a new house, and two days later had another panic attack. This led me right back to the start it feels like. I’m not working again. I can’t go a block to the store. I spend all day alone with my thoughts. This time around I’m dealing with extreme depression as well. So instead of knowing I want to get better, this time around I constantly have the depression saying “What’s the point? If you do these things to get better, are you even going to be happy?” It feels like I can’t even find happiness in day to day life, so how is improving going to help? I constantly think about life as one unit right now basically. As in there are no day to days, there’s just now and death. I’m not interested in self harm, but my brain constantly says whats the point if we’re all going to die anyways? And all this is on top of not being able to go anywhere or do anything due to the anxiety. So I spend all day trying to distract myself from the thoughts, and combating them off when they enter the forefront of my brain, all while only being able to talk to my two roommates who, although they’re my best friends, are alcoholics and have no aspiration to improve their quality of life. I can talk to my mom, which helps, but she lives all the way across the country. The only other person I have is the girl I started seeing a few months ago, who is very understanding and is sticking through me with this, but I’m too afraid to let her come over because I don’t want to freak out and panic while shes here. I just don’t know what to do any more. I know I can’t just distract myself for ever, and I really want to believe that I’m meant for more than this in life, but it feels like its never going to end.