I’m older- today is my birthday and i am so unhappy. I see a pattern in my life. I had the abusive father who would tell me i wasn’t worth anything. The mother who struggled with the emotional abuse of my father.Married the physically and mentally abusive husband who told me i would never find better. Got out at 30 with three kids and literally just them. Picked people who had distance so i would not have to get too close. Here i am in my 40s. Trying to let people in. Truth is i never feel worthy- i feel small and unimportant- disposable .This all feels like motions to a heartbreaking never ending game . The person liked but not loved tolerated but not enjoyed. I am kind - that is what i am told. Too kind too nice but. Always a but. What is the point to this life if you never have someone to share with . It’s exhausting to let someone in share your experiences to open up to people who say i just don’t feel right a year later or two or five. I feel like the throwaway child with my nose to the glass door wanting a place that’s warm. I am just tired of everything.
Low,
Gosh, this is so brutal…to feel all of this worthlessness but to compound it with this sense of hopelessness…that things will never change. You’ve lived enough life to try time after time after time to be deserving, to be worthy, to be loved…but it feels like you’re coming to this place where you fear it may never happen, as you’ve tried for years for it to change. Such a defeating place to be…where your desire for better is getting tired…you’re just tired of wishing things would be better…it’s exhausting to hold onto hope when your life is a hailstorm of evidence ripping through that sail you once clung to to pull you through the storms of life…you feel marooned, shipwrecked, lost, and alone…it feels like what’s the point? This is the way it’s always going to be.
It’s hard for me to speak hope when you’ve probably heard it all…oh, it’ll get better, oh you’ll be fine, oh things will change…and it feels like ya, maybe it does for a while, but you always end up back here…this feels like what’s truer because it feels like when you fall you always land in this place…like you can run from it but you cannot escape it…like it is what you face at the end of every day, the same fear you’ve felt since you were a girl, that your father is right, and that you aren’t worth anything after all.
But I’ve gotta just say…your dad was fucking wrong. Being a parent, of all things, you should know by now that your parents were fucked up. They tried their best, but they were hurting themselves. And hurt people hurt people. It’s a cycle. In our imperfection, we are all victims and we are all perpetrators. Your dad was wrong about you. The truth is that you are worthy of the very love you’ve always hoped for. And some days it may not feel like it’s the truth, but you don’t have to believe it in order for it to be true. The truth is the truth. You are worthy of love.
Hoping that hope can fill you afresh today.
-Nate
Hi friend. I can relate to so much of this. I was raised in an abusive upbringing and never had closeness to family. I was often left feeling like crap and like I didn’t matter. So I get it.
I spent a lot of time feeling alone and like I wasn’t good enough to be cared for, wanted, desired, appreciated etc. Its tough. Friend I’m sorry that you have been battling with all of these emotions.
I hope that 8 days later you are feeling at least a little better. Happy belated birthday.
Birthdays have always been really hard on me. I always look at how old I am and how I feel like I’m so far behind from where I want to be in my life at my age. But it’s important not to dwell too hard on those things or we drag ourselves down even more.
I’m sorry that people have left you feeling like this. You are not a throwaway child. You deserve love my friend. From yourself and others. Like Nate said, you ARE worthy of love.
Stay strong sweet friend.
- Kitty