It‘s been a minute since I last wrote here or was able to support anyone on here. I am sorry for my absence…
Every time I use the words „I would not mind today being my last day“ I know I need to do something, and honestly, the last weeks where quite the ride.
I was presented with the possibility of getting answers to my physical and mental health struggles, but the tests did not provide any answers at all. My face hurts because of wisdom teeth growing (and yes, all dentists are on vacation or not open until next week). My headache is killing me. I am so tired and exhausted as if I haven’t slept in days, and my emotions are suffocating me.
Let me talk in metaphors for a second…
I am a black hole that’s swallowing everything around me; I am drowning in the thoughts of what a burden I am to others. I am trying to suck out the joy of everything to maybe get a little for myself. My feet are covered in cement and I am slowly sinking to the ground of the ocean I created with my own tears.
Too many conflicting emotions are boiling up inside of me and I do not know how to handle them.
I feel so lost and alone and so numb and so hurt at the same time. It feels like the whole universe is against me and that I just can‘t get anything good in my life, everything is working together against me.
It all hurts too much and I simply don’t function anymore.
All the supplements and stuff that I am supposed to take to feel better seem like they just make things worse (no idea how that is possible). Ever since I started taking them it gets words every day.
I only want to cry every single second of my day. I keep trying so hard not to hate myself or anything else, but I just can‘t do it.
It is not even like I am struggling with sobriety. I would be okay if I would „just“ be struggling with staying sober, but I have „no reason“ to feel this way, no other than that my brain is broken and I am a legal mess.
My „friends“ are all gone and not to be disturbed and I have no one I could go to.
Tonight I was supposed to hang out with my sister and nephew, but I can’t because I’m in too much pain and too tired to drive.
I have come to peace with the fact that I will not ever have a family or a real job or feel any joy or hope in my life.
I do not belong here and I know it.
I do not have a place or a future here in earth.
I don’t know what i am doing.
I wouldn’t mind if today was my last day alive and I am okay with that.
What if today IS my last day (hypothetically)…? It would not make a difference. Very few people would notice and they’ll get over it quickly. I do not have the kind of impact on this world that I always hoped I would have. After all, I am an invisible mess, the broken kid that grew up to be the broken young adult, who will turn into yet another statistic.
I am not sure how and why I have come this far. I only know that people would only miss the food I make for them all the time…
Depression is hitting hard today, and the last days, weeks, months, but right now I am here, so I guess that’s all I can do now.
I wish I could say I hope it gets better, but I just wish for an end to it.
I am sorry for wasting your time with this…
I promise I am trying…