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This might be my last day

Hi all,
It‘s been a minute since I last wrote here or was able to support anyone on here. I am sorry for my absence…

Every time I use the words „I would not mind today being my last day“ I know I need to do something, and honestly, the last weeks where quite the ride.

I was presented with the possibility of getting answers to my physical and mental health struggles, but the tests did not provide any answers at all. My face hurts because of wisdom teeth growing (and yes, all dentists are on vacation or not open until next week). My headache is killing me. I am so tired and exhausted as if I haven’t slept in days, and my emotions are suffocating me.

Let me talk in metaphors for a second…
I am a black hole that’s swallowing everything around me; I am drowning in the thoughts of what a burden I am to others. I am trying to suck out the joy of everything to maybe get a little for myself. My feet are covered in cement and I am slowly sinking to the ground of the ocean I created with my own tears.

Too many conflicting emotions are boiling up inside of me and I do not know how to handle them.
I feel so lost and alone and so numb and so hurt at the same time. It feels like the whole universe is against me and that I just can‘t get anything good in my life, everything is working together against me.

It all hurts too much and I simply don’t function anymore.
All the supplements and stuff that I am supposed to take to feel better seem like they just make things worse (no idea how that is possible). Ever since I started taking them it gets words every day.

I only want to cry every single second of my day. I keep trying so hard not to hate myself or anything else, but I just can‘t do it.

It is not even like I am struggling with sobriety. I would be okay if I would „just“ be struggling with staying sober, but I have „no reason“ to feel this way, no other than that my brain is broken and I am a legal mess.

My „friends“ are all gone and not to be disturbed and I have no one I could go to.
Tonight I was supposed to hang out with my sister and nephew, but I can’t because I’m in too much pain and too tired to drive.

I have come to peace with the fact that I will not ever have a family or a real job or feel any joy or hope in my life.

I do not belong here and I know it.
I do not have a place or a future here in earth.
I don’t know what i am doing.

I wouldn’t mind if today was my last day alive and I am okay with that.
What if today IS my last day (hypothetically)…? It would not make a difference. Very few people would notice and they’ll get over it quickly. I do not have the kind of impact on this world that I always hoped I would have. After all, I am an invisible mess, the broken kid that grew up to be the broken young adult, who will turn into yet another statistic.
I am not sure how and why I have come this far. I only know that people would only miss the food I make for them all the time…
Depression is hitting hard today, and the last days, weeks, months, but right now I am here, so I guess that’s all I can do now.

I wish I could say I hope it gets better, but I just wish for an end to it.

I am sorry for wasting your time with this…
I promise I am trying…

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I’m listening. I feel the emptiness. I feel the hopelessness. Plus, your are in physical pain. I wish you could get to the dentist TODAY. That’s just making everything worse. You care about others… that is obvious. So many people just don’t take the time to see the hurt that is boiling inside of others. They walk around so happy, self confident, they don’t realize the hell other people are existing in. I’m sorry you don’t have support. I have family and ONE good friend. We need all the help we can get. You NEED help. We have to find the right medicine, there are so many. And we need someone to sit out our craziness. Your heart is too tender ; too sensitive. Be sweet to yourself. And I’ll try to be more understanding to me. Prayers.

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Thank you so much for sharing this here. You are not wasting time by sharing here. In fact you sharing so bravely and vulnerably actually gives other people the permission to do the same- to share their hurt and to receive support and that is an incredible way to have impact.

Even through your pain you are impacting people, just by being brave enough to share that you “wouldn’t mind if today was your last day” that is a powerful statement, that I’m sure many people can relate to, and by you speaking those words it helps others understand their own feelings.

I know you don’t think many would miss you, or that some would forget you, but I wouldn’t. I care about you. I’m proud of you. I love when I see your name pop up in the HeartSupport Dm’s. I was so happy and proud when you signed up for the master class. I love hearing you speak about how much you love your nephew and send pictures of yummy things you baked. Think about your nephew for a moment. I know you want to be here to watch him grow up, to hug him and teach him, and hold him when he has had a bad day. He needs a wonderful supportive REAL person like you in his life.

Think back for a moment about all that you have survived, all you have overcome. You can do it again. You WILL do it again, because this world needs your voice. It needs your words, the way you so beautifully use metaphors to explain your feelings and the way you lift people up, including me, when they are hurting.

Sending love to you friend <3

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Thank you.
I don’t know what i am doing, and it might not be the outcome you would like to see. I am sorry about that, deeply sorry. I love you my friend.

Thanks friend, i appreciate it

Hi Fiji!
I am so glad you are reaching out today. I feel bad that there is no dentist or doctor that can help you right now. Keep calling places to see if they have any emergency appointments when they first open and hope they can get you in!
I know it’s tough struggling with sobriety, but one of my sponsors told me even if we can hold onto one second, 5 seconds, 15 seconds of deep breathing and centering yourself into a calming space, it helps focus your mind. As much as I hated to do this, it worked for me 90%of the time. Try not to dwell on what has or is happening. Think of what you would like to do and create a Plan on how to get it in motion! Small steps add up to big leaps! Friends come and go, but you need to stay strong. Some people don’t understand the power of a smile or a text that means so much. Personally I would love you to friend me on Facebook! Talk/ dm me if we aren’t friends yet! I know there is a few of us in the master class…but I’m on the same team! We are fighters to battle depression and mental health! We got this! YOU GOT THIS!!!
I am not sure if you are a Christian, but Ephesians 6 :11 helps me ! Hope to see a friend request or a dm from A GREAT, STRONG FRIEND OF MINE :heart::heart:

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