Hey yall. I havent been very active in the past weekish. my mental health has been dragging me down again and it really sucks. Ive been feeling so down and worthless. I really dont think the breakup is part of that! It hurt for a bit but he eventually reached out again wanting to remain friends and now things are how they used to be and im relieved. Being single isnt bad. But ive been getting a lot of self harm intrusive thoughts again and just wanting to cut. Last night before bed I was playing with my bunny & he accidentally scratched my leg and made it bleed and it triggered me and I got a strong urge before bed and that really sucked too. Its been scary. I feel fear im going to cave and start cutting more again. I feel fear of myself. Im scared ill lose myself again. Ive just been so lost in my head the past week yknow. It feels like little to nothing can bring joy. And its so hard to have motivation for anything. I took two finals yesterday . Im so close to being done with school. I have a paper to write today and i need motivation to get it done. Tomorrow or friday could be my last day of school if I can manage to get things done. I just wish parents would believe you when you say you need help yknow? Sometimes, it feels as though no one is there and no one cares. I also just feel really alone. I have so few friends. I just wanna feel loved. I want a sense of peace knowing my life will be alright. I wanna be better. I wanna be happy. Sometimes working towards those things feels pointless. And sometimes I really feel like I self sabotage a lot. I cant help but self depreciate in my mind. Think bad thoughts. Have no motivation to do anything. I get angry with myself. I so badly want to continue to get better but I feel like I am my own worst enemy. If I ever am struggling I cant really reach out anymore except for here mostly. I feel like an attention seeker if I tell someone im struggling when I so obviously am not and my struggles are real. It drives me crazy how my head messes with me. I just hope this last year of highschool coming up is good. I hope being back at a real school instead of online helps. Maybe even summer could be nice too? But my mom is super controlling and hates for me to see my friends:/ we got in an argument about me seeing one of my friends last week ( keep in mind I kindly let my mom know at the beginning of the week I wanted to see her prior to asking again at the end of the week with gentle reminders in between and I dont ask for much anymore and barely leave the house ) and my mom said my friends who wanted to hang out with me were ‘little bitches’ and things are gonna stay like that as long as I live here before i move for college and as long as I ask to see my friends. So idk summer will be better. Me asking to make plans w people will only worsen my relationship with my mom yet again and make me feel worse. Anyways ig thats my little rant? Over the summer im gonna try and soak in the time to work on art projects. I wanna work on some portraits ! thats exciting if they go well. I also really really wanna try and improve my spiritual life & healthy eating / working out in some way. Anyways ig thats my update. Thank you for listening. <3
Hey! It seems like you’ve been dealing with some difficult feelings lately, and they are so understandable and normal for so many people. You’re SO not alone in the things you are going through. I just wanted to remind you of that!
Self harm can be so tricky to deal with. I struggled with it myself for quite a few years, so I know how easy it is to get triggered. I think something that helped me particularly is confiding in a trusted friend or family member and having them keep you accountable. I asked a trusted family member to check my arms every so often, since I have a tendency to gravitate toward longer sleeved clothes and jackets. That made it really easy for me to hide any scars. I let them know that I was really struggling with self-harm, and I asked them not to tell anyone else since it was really embarrassing for me and I didn’t need everyone else to know about it. I promised them that if I were to self-harm, I would do it on my arms so they could see. Whenever they asked to see my arms, I HAD to roll up my sleeves and show them. I was not allowed to just say “no”. And knowing that I would get caught if I decided to hurt myself, and knowing that I had someone I could talk to if I started feeling the urge to do so really helped me to work on finding other healthier coping habits. I just wanted to share this with you just in case you think that is something that could be helpful for you.
It also seems like you have some good goals set for yourself, and I think that’s a great thing to do for yourself. Setting goals, even if it’s something small and simple, can really help us feel good about ourselves, and realize that maybe we are capable of more things than we would otherwise give ourselves credit for.
I hope things continue to get better for you, you deserve it
thank you so much! Unfortunately my family is small. I just live with my parents & they do not handle the topic of self harm well so I most definitely cannot bring that struggle to them/ I do not have many people irl. Its been a battle I have tried to fight ( for the most part alone with the exception of a few kind internet friends ). But in terms of self harm I am doing so much better than I used to. The urges are just no fun at all. And goals are definitely great !! Im trying my best
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