Day in, day out. This burden I carry, this stress I feel weighs me down. I have no motivation to do anything but sit and stare in space or mindlessly go on Facebook, Instagram, or other sites. I am lucky to eat two meals a day. I don’t even want to eat anymore, even when I’m hungry. I don’t have the strength or motivation. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I get up in the morning but have no motivation to do anything. I don’t enjoy anything anyways.
I applied for two jobs today. At least that made me feel like I did something. But it only took a little while for that feeling of accomplishment to wear off.
The uncertainty. I metaphorically feel like I’m floating in the air with no direction or anything to tie me down or give direction. No clue what my life will look like. Or when I’ll find a job or what my schedule will look like. Or where I’ll live. After calling the health insurance Markeplace, I found out I can’t change how much I pay for my monthly premium with using the insurance tax credit. They said I can’t do that outside of open enrollment. So I will definitely owe tons of money at the end of the year. I’m still stressed about driving in Milwaukee. And parking for Warped Tour.
Everything is all too much.
I’m numb. Empty. Just a carrier of all this stress.
With what you have just depicted I see a lot in common between us.
Fears of driving and parking in the unknown? Man, I really really get that. I am still scared to drive outside of the rural area where I live- and with it being Warped Tour I totally understand about the worry there.
I have also been through extended periods of time of just feeling numb and lost and like you can just stare at a wall for an hour and that’s just- like your day. It sucks. And yeah- even just mindlessly scrolling through social media- that is hard too, I tend to do that a lot, or for me sometimes it is videogames. Either way it is hard to break that cycle.
I have also been struggling hard with jobs. The unknown terrifies me- especially in regards to schedules. For jobs I have applied for it’s just like a new set time every week and you have to be willing to have change and that scares me. It scares me about the people who will work there, and how they will feel towards me.
I know the health insurance situation must be really hard and I’m so sorry you have to deal with that.
All in all, my friend I understand how you feel, and I want you to know things will get better, we love you, we are here for you. Hold fast.
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)
I’m sorry to hear about the severe stress that you’re going through. I would recommend to very seldom visit social media sites. I, too, have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., but I try to make it a point to #1) check notifications and then #2) leave the platform. I noticed that the more time that I spend flipping through social media posts, the more depressed I become. This is most likely due to my automatic response of comparing my worst to someone else’s best. When going through Instagram, I try to view posts as paintings, not the painter. In other words, every post doesn’t reflect real-life; typically before anyone posts something, the picture has to be taken at the perfect angle with the perfect filter.
Anyway, sorry for that tangent, I just had to get that off my chest.
Hey, I can relate to this topic a lot.
I have been in the exact same situation multiple times before. When everything just requires too much, I’m so stressed out and tired I don’t have the energy to do anything, and I end up staring at a wall or mindlessly scrolling through social media because that’s about all I can do with my brain being such a cloud. However, I have couple tricks that always help me pull through - maybe you can try to them, and hopefully they’ll work for you too!
Start taking pride in the small things you do during the day. You say you’re struggling to eat, even when you’re hungry. Start with that. From now on, try to eat at least 3 meals a day, and learn to be PROUD of that. “Yeah, maybe I spent too much time on social media and didn’t feel like doing anything again, but at least I took care of myself by eating 3 times today. That’s improvement from before and something to be proud of!” If you really dislike how much time you spend on social media, cutting down an hour of that is another thing that you could do with little effort and still be improving. Ask yourself every day “have I done anything, even the smallest thing, a single task or a positive thought or a decision, that shows I did better than I did a week ago?” and find pride in those small steps you’re taking to get better, because every single one of them is worth celebrating!
Find something to go completely fangirl crazy about. A band, a tv-show, a video game, a youtuber literally whatever. Shut off every person who says fangirling is embarrassing - those people don’t know what they’re talking about. They have no idea how amazing it feels to be so passionate about something. Find a thing you feel you could love and drown yourself in watching videos about it, reading about it, finding fan art about it. Cherish the feeling of being passionate about something - some think it’s ridiculous, but it’s so much better than not having interest in anything at all. Fuck “playing it cool”, being apathetic is no fun.
This is what I do when I’m in the same mindset as you are. I cant promise that they’re foolproof tricks, and they wont give answers to your job hunt/health insurance problems. But they can bring you those golden moments of happiness and peace of mind that are so incredibly important when you feel empty all the time.
Hold fast friend, I’m so happy you opened up about this and I cant wait to hear from you again. Much love. x