This year was a rollercoaster

I don’t know where to really start.
Early June my Grandpa died from cancer. It seemed sudden, but I guess it wasn’t. I felt like we had more than we had. Or I guess I felt he would never actually pass away. Is that weird to say? Like you never actually think people pass away. (Even though I know people do, my dad died when I was 15). Then mid June my BF broke up with me because of issues that we couldn’t resolve. Then 3 months later my Grandma passed away. They (grandparents) were literally the best people in the word; the best grandparents anyone could ask for. Just had to say that because I want everyone to know how special they were. If you ever needed anything, they were your cheerleaders. If you ever needed someone to be THERE they were. I miss them SO much. So you can say the last part of this year hasn’t been so kind. So I drown myself into isolation besides going to work in which I get extra hours to keep my mind busy.

Sometimes I feel alone even when I know I am not completely alone. My co-worker (who I have worked with for the last 5years) calls me the daughter she never had. So I know there are people who care, but my mind is just in the absolute dumps in terms of feeling insane. So tired, and irritable sometimes. I know people are trying but I don’t know.

I just want to end this post with to everyone who has lost someone, or a loved one, or feeling insane like myself. You are not alone with how you feel, and how you feel is valid. I want to thank everyone who is posting and responding to other people to show there are not alone. I know for myself as Kit has said just posting and having someone acknowledging you helps a bit. So thank you all :slight_smile:

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Dear @Sammydoodle,

Oh my friend I am so sorry for your losses. There is not enough words to emphasize how much my heart goes to you right now. I feel the rollercoaster it has been for you just through your words. And yet you are here, keeping your head above water just as you can, and delivering such a thoughtful and kind message to all of us here as well. This displays so much of your heart and I am really grateful for you, for the time you’ve taken to share how it’s been for you this year.

I have myself lost several family members in a couple of months, a few years ago, and it’s only months and months after that I finally felt like being out of a kind of survival/automatic way to function. Like you, I felt the urge to dive into work and just keep my mind busy so I wouldn’t have to think or feel too much. Somehow, we may know that we are supported, but as time goes by, it seems that there is less and less opportunities to express the grief we feel within, and how much the pain doesn’t really fade away.

If this is the real first time you allow yourself to slow down and share what’s on your heart since the loss of your grandpa, grandma, and your relationship with your boyfriend, then please take a few minutes to acknowledge how powerful is the step you’ve just taken today. It is so inspiring and so admirable, and I hope with all my heart that this new year that is going to start will bea time for you to slow down, breathe, and to allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. Our first instincts when everything seems to collapse is often to just run, run and run away until we can’t take it anymore. I really want to encourage you to consider reaching out to a support group or a counselor in order to give yourself a space and time that you would own, and where you could share extensively and unapologetically what’s on your heart. This tiredness and irritability that you’ve been feeling lately are also ways for your body to say that something is off, and now might be the time to start giving yourself the time you need to process all of that happened in your life in such a short amount of time.

I’m no one/just a stranger on the Internet, but I’m really proud of you for being your vulnerable self today. I know it can be pretty scary to do so, especially when we are used to rely on ourselves for the most part.

What’s on your heart, how you feel, matter so much. You matter. And you are loved dearly. :hrtlegolove:

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Thank you so much for your reply Micro.
I had started therapy before my grandpa passed away because my relationship was causing me a lot of mental anguish. I continued it shortly before my grandma passed away (she was abrupt, with my grandpa we at least knew he was sick; my grandma she was fine then she wasn’t). Wish I had continued it, but I sort of shut down after that to be honest. Just felt like SO much in such a short span of time to be honestly. Just with everything going on and it tanking my mental health.

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Thank you for sharing a little more of your context. Honestly there’s no shame for taking breaks from therapy, but also to just give it a try again whenever you feel okay for it. From my personal experience of it, it can really be a work in itself, on top of other things that we need to deal with. It’s totally understandable that you didn’t have the emotional availability at the moment. So many things were happening. It’s only after the storm starts to calm down a little bit that we are able to look back and put the pieces back together again. Your post today might be a first step in this direction. It’s a whole process in itself. So, take it easy. Little by little, always. In the long run, it’s all the little steps forward that make a huge difference, really. :hrtlegolove:

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