Back to heartsupport

Thoughts on self-harm & suicide

Obviously this is very triggering…

I was looking at all the scars on my left arm and the long one on my wrist. The one I wish people didn’t see. The one you notice people trying to discretely look at. The horror in their eyes as they realize, then look away hoping you didn’t notice them staring. The shame you feel inside when you make eye contact.

Hearing the tearing as the razor slides across my skin is so alluring tonight. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt myself. At least not tonight, not right now. I’m writing about it instead, if that’s ok.

I don’t want to hurt myself because it’s not going to help me thru what I’m going thru. That has been proven and I have to constantly remind myself of this fact.

I don’t want to hurt myself because it will release something inside me that I don’t want to let out.

I don’t want to hurt myself because I don’t know if I will be able to stop pressing down…

I don’t know how to get rid of the pain, so I just sit here and write about it.

Voices are loud, commanding me to hurt myself…but, I turn the music up loud to drown them out. I distract myself, but it doesn’t really work. The thoughts never really go away. I want to have hope and I’m trying so hard to fight thru each day, thru each hour and thru each minute to find it.

I don’t want to feel like this, it hurts. There is this empty pain that just lingers and eats away at my soul.

I’m so tired…

5 Likes

I’m glad to hear you’re being safe. I hate that you’re experiencing this right now and I am really sorry that the voices are trying to drag you down. I love that you turn up the music.
Tell those bastards to back off and stop cramping your vibe! Grrrr

For real though, your heart must be so heavy right now and I just want you to know you’re not alone in this. Are you finding enjoyment in anything? I’m sure you know and have been told a multitude of coping techniques and so I don’t want to bombard you with that. Just with some support and some love.

3 Likes

Thank you @Bimini I appreciate you. You made me giggle :slight_smile:

Do I find enjoyment in anything? I honestly don’t know how to answer this question. I’ve written and back spaced for the last 10 mins.

I feel like I’m running out of coping techniques.

2 Likes

I’m only asking that because I know sometimes it’s hard to find enjoyment out of things, even when you usually love them, but even if there was something small like seeing a flower or listening to music, then it can sometimes make things a little easier. I don’t know about you, but sometimes it can feel like doing anything at all is draining and difficult, but the upside to that is something that is difficult doesn’t =impossible.
The thoughts- the cognitive distortion that really just wants to suck the life out of us has a way of diminishing and blocking positive thoughts and I guess exhausting the mental filter that would otherwise tell us “just because this happened doesn’t mean you’re the worst”.
The fact that you’ve recognised what’s going on in itself is a hugeeeeeee step to take.
I haven’t heard a heck of a lot of new techniques and it’s always a case of what works best, but it’s hard when those start to not be as efficient I guess.

I’m a very sensory kind of person so I actually enjoy finding new smells I like or textures, patterns, colours ect. I have this diffuser and for some reason I just really enjoy mixing different scents to find ones that work and create a new kind of scent. It’s something that relaxes me.
I have a friend who likes gardening and when they feel really down and they don’t feel like they have energy to do anything they make themselves a cup of tea and sit outside and chew mint leaves.

Just some examples of the small joys in life that can help make things feel a little less heavy. Maybe you like reading for example, but sometimes it feels like a chore, so you’d find a funny comic to read instead.
Or maybe you enjoy exercise so you decide to box the crap out any voice that says you’re not enough.

I’m sorry if that seems jumbled or rushed or even irrelevant!
Basically, if whatever you used to find enjoyment out of seems like it’s not as enjoyable there could be a way to find out how to make it simpler and more enjoyable for you. Hope that makes sense

3 Likes

Hi Mystrose

Wow This. Is honestly great :slightly_smiling_face:. I am proud of you for doing so. It shows how strong you really are.

I know it is bad. I also had to lie about my scar that I have on my arm. It is pretty visible especially in summer. After a time I have learned to ignore it and I think it is no longer that visible. Scars bring back bad memories but again those are yours and people can stare what they want but they wount see the beautiful person you are through those scars. They will have to talk to you first. :wink:

Btw. What kind of music do you listen to. I like a lot of music and I am eager to like even more of it. :slightly_smiling_face:

2 Likes

you know me and my mehendi solution for everything! That would be a fine temporary way to dress up that ole scar and for you celebrate your arm and all that you’ve grown and learnt since then! And you’re also an artist, so go to town with flowers and birds and whatever else brings you joy!

in all seriousness, I’m glad you can write out your words instead of doing the act, that is such a huge feat of discipline and control, and yeah, you smacked those voices in their head again!
So proud of you, but more than pride, so grateful for your strength and continued presence with us :smiley:

oohooooh you could draw a fancy rose, and make those scar the stem… all symbolic, like the stem is the source (of pain, of memories), but you’re blossoming around it like the beautiful wonderful Rosie you are :slight_smile:

1 Like

Yes, me too. I sit outside a lot, so my arms get tan. All the little white scars really pop don’t they?

I liked a lot of stuff on your playlist you shared. I like all kinds of music, but during times like last night I listen to a lot of Seether and Evanescence. I have a playlist that I play that has other songs that help me cope. Maybe I’ll clean it up and share it.

1 Like

I did this awhile back and I want it as a tat, but my scar doesn’t smile. I only have one tat and its just a simple dot but it represents a group of survivors. 6 other people have the same dot. Mehendi is very beautiful, but I couldn’t afford tats. I hear the whispers when you see someone on welfare and they are covered with tats. I don’t want people saying those things about me. I already deal with enough stigma. I don’t know if I really do want to completely cover my scars, because sometimes they also remind me what I went thru back then and how much I’ve grown since.

3 Likes

your art really does have so much life in it! this is a great piece and it says a lot to me.

I hear you with regards to the tats and stigma, etc.
and also not hiding them :slight_smile:

2 Likes

Just curious, what does it say to you?

1 Like

this is gonna be a long art interpretation post, be prepared!

  • it looks like a cell splitting, so the pain of twinning, being two separate things but tied up as one;
    -it also looks like a venn diagram, so it’s both logical/mathematical but also instinctive/visceral understanding of two deeply linked but also separate parts;
  • it’s like that happy/sad mask they use in theatre; showing the different aspects of life;
  • the happy is entwined with the sad and they look like they both need each other, and they do because they’re a part of each other;
  • and when I then think of BPD, then it makes sense even more because it shows the deeply bound nature of the cycles of happy and sad, and how one is never far away from the other, hence the grey shows the ambivalent space between both states because it’s both happy/sad.
1 Like

Bingo. But, I do love your other interpretations because it gives me another way to see it :hrtlegolove: thank you for that.

2 Likes

hi

I dunno if this is helpful or an answer, but instead of self-harm and having to look at scars perhaps every time something says “self-harm is a good idea” to answer with “well how does a set of twenty push-ups taste dark voice???” Or you know other exercises.

I know that even The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) struggles with depression (and if his life isn’t amazing…and if he also shouldn’t feel amazing for how hard hes worked achieving all he has…and he still struggles…well it makes sense we do too)…

I dunno, maybe after a few months you might thing…well I don’t like myself anymore…but at least I always have two tickets to the gun show (and then you strike a series of poses and giggle).

Anyhow, I appreciate you posting. I appreciate you resisting the urge. Honestly, I think you know you want to not self-harm its just finding a thing that can take its place. I think meditation is pretty amazing, if you are looking for something to try and laughter is the best medicine…other than like actual medicine depending on what you need.

Take care of yourself. good luck. stay strong and good luck on those gun show tickets (in case the reference isn’t clear…“guns” in this case are biceps and the “gun show” is someone flexing their arms in a variety of ways to show off their muscles. there are no actual guns involved).

1 Like

I don’t think anyone needs to see that haha. You’d just get old lady flab.

Thank you for your support. I was pretty active when I was younger. I cycled and played softball which were actually two things I loved. They took me to another place in my head that was so far away from the destruction and chaos that was there usually. When I got in trouble and my father would ground me (2wks once). He closed my blinds (I wasn’t allowed to look out of my window), took away my clock radio so I had no idea what time it was and no music. All I had were the voices in my head and the exercise bike my mother let me have in there with me. I would ride until the sweat dripped off of me.

I haven’t had that memory in a long time. What a fucked up thing to do to your child.

One of the things that I do is sit on the ground in my back yard. I feel the warmth of the sun on my face, the breeze thru my hair and I listen to the sounds around me. Sometimes, one of my colony cats will curl up with me and when I pet him I focus on feeling each hair touching the inside of my hand. I can feel the vibration of his purring. If I find my mind wondering or if voices start to mess with me (they like to ruin things) I will just gently bring myself back into the moment. Mindfulness is a very powerful coping tool.

I think distraction is pretty major when it comes to coping with self harm or suicidal ideation. I always have the thoughts, but if I can distract myself for those minutes where the thoughts are overwhelmingly intense and it’s hard to fight, then usually it will pass.

Days when it’s just too hard to do anything are the ones that are the hardest. Just going to the kitchen to get a glass of water is freaking hard, so doing things to distract seem impossible.

It’s just going to be a constant fight until I don’t want to do it anymore.

You did fine, thank you so much for caring :hrtlegolove:

I hate night time. My voices are so loud telling me that I shouldn’t suffer just because I feel guilt for hurting people who love me if I leave. I feel like screaming right now…

image

1 Like

I hope you get some needed rest tonight @Mystrose. You deserve to find peace. :hrtlegolove:

Night time can be very depressing and/or triggering when we are already struggling. The world becomes silent and we are more prone to feel alone with our struggles. If I lack of sleep or stay awake too late, I know I’ll go through a rough time and eventually see more hopelessness appearing. Winter and shorter days doesn’t help either.

This song specifically emphasizes that feeling too well for me, with kind of a bittersweet taste - both beautiful and heart-wrenching, soothing and frightening:

Do you stay awake late/is there a way you could progressively make bedtime something soothing and peaceful? Creating new routines during the evening/before the night, just to set better conditions for your mind and body. It might be something to think about, plean ahead, and be proactive with.

1 Like

Thank you for the song, I liked it. I can’t really stay in bed that long. Cats usually wake me up and or my own pain wakes me up…whatever part of my body wants to hurt for the day. Actually falling asleep isn’t that hard to be honest. I take a sleep aid and usually smoke a bowl (yeah I know, I’m trying). Ziggy lays next to me and I do my mindfulness stuff. Once in awhile, like the night before last I get flash backs to times in my life, but they last for like 2 or 3 seconds before it jumps to the next memory. I’ll see my character in a video game running down the road, then flash to me driving, then it just jumps to different memories. I don’t know if that’s something that happens to everyone or not. Ziggy came and I focused on petting him and it stopped finally.

There is just too much going on in my head all the time and the voices just make it 100 times worse.

2 Likes

Once in awhile, like the night before last I get flash backs to times in my life, but they last for like 2 or 3 seconds before it jumps to the next memory. I’ll see my character in a video game running down the road, then flash to me driving, then it just jumps to different memories. I don’t know if that’s something that happens to everyone or not. Ziggy came and I focused on petting him and it stopped finally.

I can only speak for myself: night/bedtime is a time prone for me to ruminate memories. Which I think is a common experience. Not experencing flashbacks though - that would be more common for people struggling with the effects of trauma or anxiety. I personally don’t think I ever experienced flashbacks as something that brings images to my mind (like we see in movies). The type of flashbacks I’ve experienced through my life are emotional ones. I would have specific emotions, thoughts and ruminations happening, sometimes for days or weeks, and it will take some time before I acknowledge this change happening, which makes it hard to identify the reason why it’s there/what was the trigger. It is generally tied to a deep sense of vulnerability, fragility, hopelessness, etc., and kind of muted pain in specific parts of my body. It is there without being there because I’m not completely aware of how it affects me at the moment, but I know something’s off and interferes with my ability to cope (when I end up feeling like doing nothing but hiding under a blanket… something’s off, lol). It feels very vague and foggy, so it gets hard to identify it as such when it happens. Otherwise, when I do have memories that overwhelm me, it is as a rumination - my mind just randomly decides to bring me there - and not a kind of flashback.

Don’t know if this helps a bit, but, all in all, every experience is different. We may not always understand why it is there, but once we identify it, we can learn to react differently to it, whether by welcoming and observing, distracting, or diving into it more intellectually/rationally.

I’m sorry your body hurts that much. It’s a pain to have to deal with this, especially if it adds some fatigue/lack of sleep in the long run. Do you manage to rest or take naps during the day, if that is necessary? The quailty of our sleep is such a fundamental need, both physically and emotionally. Even if you can’t sleep at times, it’s good to know that you can still try to lay down and rest your body at least. Eventually to do things that are very calming, relaxing and soothing, as you’ve described.

2 Likes

I literally do that most of the time and for some reason more in the shower. Ruminating for me can lead to self harm, it’s really bad sometimes. I just can’t stop thinking about an argument or what I should have said instead or how they should pay for what they did etc. It gets really bad. It’s exhausting.

I will most likely wake up in the morning and think about this post all morning how I should have said this or that. Should I delete it, did I offend anyone, did I do something wrong… blah blah blah. In a month, I’ll find myself just going over this whole conversation and kicking myself because I could have said this or that. It just never stops.

It’s maddening.

I’ll doze off sometimes, but if I sleep too much in the day it’s hard for me at night. I do lay down during the day a couple times to rest tho. I know how much sleep is important, I just wish I could get more.

I love you, I’m going to bed :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes