Obviously this is very triggering…
I was looking at all the scars on my left arm and the long one on my wrist. The one I wish people didn’t see. The one you notice people trying to discretely look at. The horror in their eyes as they realize, then look away hoping you didn’t notice them staring. The shame you feel inside when you make eye contact.
Hearing the tearing as the razor slides across my skin is so alluring tonight. Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt myself. At least not tonight, not right now. I’m writing about it instead, if that’s ok.
I don’t want to hurt myself because it’s not going to help me thru what I’m going thru. That has been proven and I have to constantly remind myself of this fact.
I don’t want to hurt myself because it will release something inside me that I don’t want to let out.
I don’t want to hurt myself because I don’t know if I will be able to stop pressing down…
I don’t know how to get rid of the pain, so I just sit here and write about it.
Voices are loud, commanding me to hurt myself…but, I turn the music up loud to drown them out. I distract myself, but it doesn’t really work. The thoughts never really go away. I want to have hope and I’m trying so hard to fight thru each day, thru each hour and thru each minute to find it.
I don’t want to feel like this, it hurts. There is this empty pain that just lingers and eats away at my soul.
I’m so tired…