Thoughts that don't completely belong in my head

I’ve been doing a lot better than I have been in the past 4 months actually. I’m seriously considering to quit school, something I never thought I would say, but I’ve been trying and falling and failing and trying again for years now. And I just can’t get it done, not right now at least.
I’m just terrified of telling my parents, because I know their response. “You didn’t try at all” “You just let everything slip by” “You should’ve done better”. I know that this will be their response because they told me before. And I’ve been telling myself it as well which is why I kept on going down this path. This is gonna be awesome! THE BIGGEST FAILURE IN THE FAMILY! “You had so much potential and you threw it all away, because you didn’t even try.”
On the positive side I’ve been more regular with my medication and I’ve been trying to take better care of myself, but maybe that was just another way of hiding.
I swear I’ve been trying, but every time it seems like I have a grip on things I lose it again. I become overwhelmed looking forward and start to think “Why didn’t I do this earlier? I wouldn’t be in so much shit if I just took care of this earlier.” Sign me up for time travel I guess… Although, who would say that we won’t go back to our own bodies that don’t have the same knowledge we have today? And would I truly change anything knowing what I know now, or just be that stubborn person again that I always am?
When people say “change is hard” it’s not just the habit that is the hardest to change, I think. I sometimes smile at how similar studying a musical piece is to how we function in day to day life. There’s the first time you play the piece, and you make a mistake. If you’re not careful, you will think about it like this “Oh I made a mistake, but I know it’s supposed to be different, so it’s fine.” Than next time you make that mistake again, you think the same thing, and before you know it you studied the wrong thing. How? Your muscle memory never received the information that your brain was putting out: “This isn’t what is written”. You never took the time to correct the mistake, therefore you’ve been studying the mistake over and over again till it became the way you play the piece. The mistake can be corrected, but it will take hours and hours to correct it. Some people even say “if you play the mistake once, you need to play it correctly 10 times in order to fix it”. It sometimes feels the same with our own brains. Even though I know that some of my responses to certain situations isn’t right, it doesn’t mean that I immediately know how to do the right thing. 10 times for every 1 mistake, so I guess I have a very long way to go.
I’m just terrified of what my family might say about the mess I made…

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Congratulations on taking an indefinite break from (not quitting) school! Doing that was what turned my life around and led to a solid career that I love!

Your parents might surprise you. When I told my parents I was quitting, they said it was about time, and they were happy I had finally admitted to myself that I was miserable when it was so obvious to everyone else. Even if they don’t though, it’s your life, and continuing to pour money into an education that isn’t panning out is foolish.

I understand feeling like a waste of potential SO well. It’s what led me to work hard, advance my career…and believe I’d never be good enough. That took a lot of work to overcome. My advice: your potential can really shine now if you can make a successful go of things without the golden ticket that is a bachelor’s degree. I don’t feel like I can knock anyone for having a degree since I couldn’t do it, but…I’m at the same level they are, and I got there with hard work and determination, so doesn’t that speak to my character? It’s two-sided idea though. I still struggle knowing that a lot of companies would toss my CV in the trash if they saw I didn’t have a degree.

I’m glad to hear you’ve been steady with your meds! I don’t think that’s a way of hiding, that’s self care and treatment.

Keeping a grip on things is scary. It takes awhile to get used to stability and progress. Every time you start thinking you’ve got a handle on things, you remember that you’re “supposed to” be a failure and a screwup, and you get fearful and let it go. It reminds me of the Bible story of Peter walking on water with Jesus–Peter was fine at first, but when he realized how crazy it was that he was walking on water, he panicked and started drowning. Your reaction is normal and natural, and it will take time and practice to get a grip on your grip.

Glad to hear you’re having these breakthroughs, friend. I think good things are coming for you, even if they’re hard to get to.

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