I’m done with my family. Done with the being put in the middle of the argument, forced to take a stance, and when you don’t choose them you don’t love them. It’s always their opinion that is best and they’re always right. Talking about someone who put an end to their life is just “light conversation”, of course you talk about it on a birthday party. Doesn’t matter that people give the hint that they’re uncomfortable with it, or that there’s someone in the room who has told them that she’s struggling with depression and dark thoughts. It’s all just a joke to them, I’m just too weak and don’t have the willpower to really do something like that. Just like I don’t have a problem with food, or I don’t have ADD, or I’m just a failure who is just wasting her life and not trying at all. I know I probably should not be around them anymore, but for some fucking reason I still want them to understand me. I still hope that they will change, but I also think that I’m just too much of an embarrassment to them…
I don’t know why I write this here and I’m sorry…
Hi @nyntje
Sounds like you’re going thru some tough stuff, I’m so sorry.
Ignorant people can say some pretty hurtful things and it sucks really bad. I’m not really sure of the situation but when you say, “people” gave the hint they were uncomfortable are you talking about just yourself or other people there? If it was just you, hints aren’t always understood (some people just don’t get it), so sitting down with this person and really talking to them about how you’re feeling might be a good idea. Again, I don’t know the situation, so these are just my thoughts.
After reading the rest of your post, I think the biggest problem looks like ignorance and a lack of knowledge about your challenges. It’s too bad because being understood and seen is so important.
I will tell you tho that you aren’t a failure because, like a therapist said to me once, “you’re only a failure if you give up” and this has to do with everything in life and also yourself. Never give up on yourself. You are valuable and worthy.
PS… and everything @sita said below this post 10000%.
This part got me “in the feels” as I’ve heard people say. It absolutely breaks my heart when persons in families that are insensitive and uncaring still want to be understood, to be accepted, to be seen and heard. It’s so difficult to break free of this need, this urge, because a part of us expects our birth family to fulfil certain basic things for us, and caring about us is one of those. And the guilt, oh the guilt we feel sometimes when we know it’s better for us to have a clean break from them. Because then we feel as if we’re making a bigger deal than we need to, that we’re the ones in the wrong, we’re the ones who need to adjust and adapt.
Having anyone minimize and trivialize our struggles is upsetting. You are not an embarrassment for having these struggles. You are strong and brave for fighting them daily, You are wise and courageous and strong for being here, for beautifully expressing yourself and opening up and sharing with us.
We can’t change others, we can only share information with them, and it’s their responsibility to educate themselves and grow. You have to look out for yourself. Looking out for yourself, putting your mental health as the TOP priority is not selfish, it’s vital, crucial and it’s survival.
You keep on fighting friend, we’ve got your back here. We see you. We hear you. We love you and care about you and we acknowledge your struggles and are here to support you!
Love,
Sita
I don’t feel strong… Because I end up not saying anything… Trying to keep peace… Literally hurting in silence… I can’t keep this up anymore but I Also can’t cut someone out… Sorry
Please, there is no need for “sorry” here, friend!! Your feelings are valid and real, and there is never a reason to say sorry for expressing yourself 
it’s all good!
Has this been working out in your favour? Is everything peaceful? When you keep quiet, is everyone else happy? Or are they still talking and making hurtful jokes?
Do you think this is what you deserve? Do you think you should keep hurting?
Sometimes we get so used to coping in one way, the FAMILAIR way, that the thought of doing anything differently terrifies us, because we’re afraid of upsetting the tiny bit of balance we’ve carved out, of losing the tiny bit of ground we’ve gained.
Reminds me of this picture actually.
so what are the options you have to address this situation?
What do you see are the options to make things better for you?
I’d love to run through that with you.
You are not weak @nyntje. You are actually very strong for enduring silently, and for having endured for so long too. Having the hope for them to change and understand, trying to keep the peace as well only shows how much you care and how much you don’t want to create any disturbance in the life of others. But what is the cost of that? And is it worth it?
The more you try to heal, to work on yourself, to reach out and get the help you deserve, the more you see that the old patterns at play in your family are not what you want. You are growing. But you also see them stuck in the same behaviors, ways to communicate, and you see more and more difference with who you are and what you want in this life. It makes sense to feel this gap more and more present when you see them. It makes sense also to feel torn between your affection for them and your need to move forward.
The thing is sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to start speaking for ourselves and assert our needs. It’s a bit of a paradox, but keeping the peace somehow is not serving them either, because it makes them stuck in the same patterns. That doesn’t mean their ability to change is your burden to carry. Certainly not! It’s just that sometimes, being the one who starts to do things differently actually sets an example for the rest of the family. By setting boundaries with my mom, then my dad for example, I have started to see how much they were actually aware of the situation. But they also needed someone to put words on it and rip the bandaid off, because they were unable to do it.
Your family doesn’t understand. And right now they don’t seem to be willing to understand - which is another layer of difficulty in this situation. But through it all, you deserve to receive a type of love that is made of genuine care and respect. Manipulation games and constantly pushing your buttons is not healthy. You don’t deserve that. You know that.
It doesn’t have to be about loving them or not, or being with them or not. Decisions can be made of different times, seasons, steps. I may not talk to my parents right now, but I don’t give up on the need to talk to them more openly once I will be ready. I don’t give up on trying to find some healing and closure one day. It’s all a matter of timing and gathering the strength that is necessary for the future. It is healthy, and part of healing, to acknowledge what we need in the present moment, and when is the right time for something or not.
I hope you will talk about all of this with your therapist during your next meeting. Just to have yet another space to think about it and receive some insights.
I love you very much. You are family. I see you growing and I’m so freaking damn proud of you.
There’s never any embarrassement here. Only the privilege of knowing you, and the sweet memory of how amazing it was to hug you. 
Hi nyntje
I am so sorry. It is terrible when ignorant people are hurting their children. I dont know if they dont understand mental illness or dont want to understand it. Please try to get away from them. They dont deserve you. You are worthy and you are great human being. It is not your fault that you are struggling. Dont try to make them understand if they wanted to they already would. You wount be happy as long as you are in this toxic environment.
Please nytje dont let them torture you like that. You deserve better and you wount get better and more healthy with them constantly hurting you. You need peace and support for healing and if you dont find those at home then it is time to find a new one. I wish you luck on your journey. Take care. 
I’m just gonna answer the questions…
No, it hasn’t, but it’s not about me. It’s about the relationship I have with the people around me as well and I want them to be happy and content. I want them to be not hurt, more than I don’t want to be in pain, still. I don’t know why I still want that, but I just want that.
If I do everything in their way and agree? Yes and no. I mean there’s still their view that isn’t right and that clashes with reality, unfortunately, but other than that, there are no fights between us. There’s no “you don’t love me” when I don’t do something that’s out of line. Maybe I’m not peaceful, but the other party is. Or at least has an outlet in me.
I think so. I believe so because I still don’t say anything. If I start coming out on my opinion it will change the atmosphere… and maybe I’d have to admit to some things that I don’t want to talk about because I would have to defend myself again for the choices I make.
regardless of them being happy or not, those jokes will be made. But yeah, maybe they wouldn’t make the jokes anymore, but tbh… I doubt it. They don’t believe mental health is a serious thing. I’m just a weak person who doesn’t try hard enough in their eyes. “The biggest disappointment in generations.” “A grown adult who is just wasting their time on this earth.”
Sometimes I do. Because it would be easier for me to hurt in silence and to be hurt again and again than to stand up and say that that is not fair. I often think about the “easy way out”, but then… I’d be an even bigger disappointment. I just don’t have the strength to keep on dealing with all of this. To keep feeling like everyone has some kind of evil agenda. To see wolves, while they are in reality just sheep. I don’t want to keep on hurting, but I don’t want them to hurt either. So I’d rather be hurt than see them hurt. If that makes sense.
I feel like I’ve been trying for a while now to talk about things, but it’s like talking to brick wall… In their eyes, I don’t have the life experience to experience depression. I just feel stuck with these things… sorry
There was brilliant statement by the amazing @Wings recently:
It sure sounds like the people around you are a very tight, uncomfortable box, filled with unpleasant material. And all your efforts are to fit into that tiny, cramped box, as best as you can, with the least amount of complaining even though a part of you knows that this box is unrealistic, ridiculous and hurtful.
Do you have someone who you can talk with about these issues, a therapist, or counselor?
Because it sounds like you’ve been shrinking yourself for a long time trying to fit into this tiny box, and the more you try, the smaller they make the box.
Have you ever tried this exercise? If it were someone else in your situation, what would you advise them? would you tell them that the fake peace is worth the sacrifice? Or that they should find others who would appreciate them and would want them to grow and thrive?
I am in therapy, but that unfortunately doesn’t take these thoughts and feelings away. I wish it was just a magic pill and poof you’re healed, but it’s not. And lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting much better… so it’s just frustrating… sorry
Please friend, no need to say sorry after a post! your feelings are valid and I respect that!
Our feelings towards family is often complex and much harder to deal with/change. You seem to be very big hearted and anxious to make everyone around you happy. Which is truly a special way to be!! But inside all of this, you also need to do the things needed to give yourself space to grow and breathe and thrive.
Sadly, no magic pills exist yet, t’s still all hard work, booo lol.
You have a lot of awareness and deep compassion. I’d just like some of that compassion to be self-directed too! I’m really glad you got a therapist. Hope you keep progressing and growing! Hope I didn’t come across as too aggressive, earlier.
No, you are totally okay, I’m just stupid lately…
No, you’re not! you’re a great person.
This is the self compassion I was referring to. Can you list five things you like about yourself?
Even if the people around us are not the greatest, I’d like you to focus inwards for a few minutes and focus on all the great aspects of yourself!
I’m a musician
I can be compassionate
I like to make other people smile
I think that’s it… sorry… I’m not that great, not really
come on, let’s get two more. It’s a good exercise to get you to remember the good things about you?
Like to cook? have good taste in movies or games? Good listener to friends? Great at making jokes? Got a favourite mole or freckle?
Have a favourite hairstyle that works best for you? is there a composition you play really well? a fun thing you like to do with an instrument that it’s cool that you can do?
I’m creative
I give good hugs? I guess, I dunno
The problem with this excercise is that my brain immediately creates a “but” scenario.
Sorry, I just hate my brain and I hate that I can’t seem to get it to cooperate with me instead of work with me…
Those three things are amazing like really. Those qualities might be undeappretiated by a lot of people but not here. These qualities are rare. 
Fight your brain and it fights back. Fighting it triggers an instruction to resist change. Think of your brain like a computer. It gathers information, and you also instruct it. It serves you - the essential you that resides behind your thoughts. Re-direct your thoughts toward a deeper awareness of who you are, and the reality of your positive thoughts and intentions. The “buts” that follow acknowledgement of what is good in you, occur because stepping into the light can be scary.
Their is nothing wrong with you at all and I think that’s it’s great that you shared this here. We’re all here to help.
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