I’m not sure if I’m going to upload this, but if I do, I’m sorry for wasting anyone’s time.
I’ve been having a bit of a rough time lately. My birthday is coming up and while for most people it’s a celebration of who they are, for me it tends to be a reminder that the people I want to care about me don’t care about me. When I was younger I’ve said many times that a birthday is just another way for people to show you that you don’t matter to them. When they know they don’t call, don’t come by, don’t care that you basically exist, or even worse, they say that they will come, but then don’t call, don’t show, and don’t acknowledge you while you want to celebrate.
For years I’ve been trying to convince myself that it doesn’t matter and that I should know better and know that I’m not worth their time, but still… I want to… I want them to care because I care about them. And even though I want to do something fun on my birthday now online with people there, I can’t help but remember this pain that has always been there… The disappointment. The reminder that in the end, I’m actually physically alone and maybe even lonely.
Now, this week I also started a new therapy treatment, and every meeting that needs to be done before I join the group is all being done this week. All the talking about my past is all put into one very intense week and afterwards, I’m just paralysed at home. I can’t do anything else… I’m scared that I’m going to start hurting myself again, because I’m starting to realize how I still haven’t dealt with some things that I thought were under control, only to find out that that was all a lie. I wake up again and the first thing I want to do is hurt myself because I still feel like a failure, my leg is shaking because I want to bring a knife to it and just punish myself for all the mistakes I make every day… and trust me when I say that I make a lot of mistakes every day… even without this intense therapy.
I’m still scared that I won’t be able to win from those thoughts… because they seem to be louder.
I’m sorry if you read this
Tell you something that you told me when I said that. You aren’t wasting anyone time. We are here because we care about you. We want you to see you get better. It’s always okay to post here.
It okay to be paralyse and just take a break after all that. It sounds exhausting and I don’t think anyone could go through that and not needed a serious break.
I promise you, you don’t have to hurt yourself. None of the mistakes you make deserve that. None of them. You aren’t a failure for not having things under control. Everything is a work in progress and it’s okay to not have everything under control. Nothing that you do could be worth hurting yourself. Your mistakes don’t define you and they definitely don’t make you a failure.
I’m so sorry that they didn’t care. I really am. I know that you said that you know that we care but I’m going to say it again because we truly care about you.
It hard to stop wanting someone to care especially when you do. It’s hard and the best thing you can do is to just listen to the people who do care about you. Just hear them say that they care about you and want you to be safe.
Again it’s always okay to post. We are hear to listen and help you. We care about you, I hope you feel better.
Hey friend,
I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. As another person who struggles with self harm, I can relate to your struggle. And honestly, I’ve been struggling with similar thoughts and visualizations. Recovery isn’t easy…but its worth it! I also feel a similar way about my birthday which is also coming up. Know that here we care about you and are happy to celebrate you! I believe you are valuable and worth celebrating!!
I’m sending you so much love and hugs! Know, again, that you are loved, cared about, and you matter here. You’re not alone. And, happy early birthday! I hope your day of birth goes much better than you expect and you do something fun. Wishing you many more years and beautiful things. Also, good luck with therapy!!
with love,
Bethy
Sweet friend,
This season is heavy. Birthdays are triggering for so many of us. It’s supposed to be a time of joy and celebration, but sometimes it’s also this painful reminder of the people we miss and the expectations we didn’t necessarily met. It can be a time of learning though. A time of healthy self-reflection, and you have the power to decide what this day could be. It doesn’t have to be associated each year with something painful. You know I’ve been doing something different this year for my brothers birthday. Instead of ruminating all day and being sad, well I allowed myself to be sad on the beach. 
More seriously, you got to choose what your birthday will be. It doesn’t have to drown you. Make sure to give room for all the feelings that would arise, but make also sure to give space for all the good things that you would met, the beautiful project you have for this day, and the love you will receive anyway. Your friends and chosen family may be online, but we are here. And we love you very much.
I wish the people you expect to tell you happy birthday would be accountable this time. I wish they could give you the love you always deserved to receive. But I know your context, I know you, and I also want to encourage you to not focus too much on people who might disappoint you. Yes, with family it should be different. It should. Yet it doesn’t delete for us the possibility to have a fulfilling life and to welcome the love that IS actually available for us. There is love for you, and I hope you’ll make sure to keep your heart open to keep receiving it.
This week is pretty challenging. You have several appointments for your therapy, and that’s a lot. Make sure to rest as much as needed. You have no obligation to function as you’d normally do during a time when you are invited to dig deep in your struggles. It’s a heavy process! Even just going to therapy is draining. It takes our energy. The days I meet my therapist, I know I can barely function afterwards. Sometimes I nap for the rest of the day! That’s okay. It’s something to accept and not necessarily resist. Therapy is a special circumstance in our life that can be very draining, so we need to give ourselves some grace through that process.
I love you very much. I know you can resist the temptation of hurting yourself. We’ve been on this journey for a little while now. Let’s keep going, Nyn. This season doesn’t have to put you down. You’ve acknowledged already that it’s going to be tough. Let’s make sure you remain safe and use all the coping tools/healthy strategies that would be needed during this time.
I’m sending love your way. 
@nyntje My dear friend I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this that you are struggling to feel as if people do truly care about you and all that you are going through. You are a bright and wonderful person. You made me deeply smile the other day when you sent me the gif of the hedgehogs I adored that. The checking in to see that I am okay just goes to show your love and care and support you give others. Never once do I want you to not feel like people dont care as we do really care about you. Personally I have felt for the longest time no one saw me, no one heard me, no one cared but something recently that I have come to realize is that isnt the truth. You are a wonderful support to this community. Its not easy to feel those things but do you have anyone that you are somewhat close too. I have had to build my family and let me just say it isnt easy my best friend and older sister (not be relation) has shown me just how much support I have. Finding her has given me so much more to the realization someone cares. So let me ask you this who in your life even if online reminds you that you matter and that what you do is super important. I am sorry you are struggling through this.
As for the therapy stuff oh boy do I feel you on that one. My own therapist and I have been going through my own past trauma and it is so hard and so tiring. Like we arent doing it that quickly but we are still processing through it and it is so hard on me personally. I feel that it is super important to surround yourself with people who support and care about you. To find those self care things to aid in your doing the best you can. Dont stop this as that end result is so worth it from what I have been told. I know that if you ever need an ear you can contact me on discord may take me a second to reply or see it but I am here. I will read it and I will hear you. I hope you know that you are worth the support and the love and the kindness. You have no reason to apologize for writing how you feel or to be upset that you did share this post. This has been on your mind and you needed support that is what the support wall is.
Healing and growing are not done overnight they are done over long stretches of time and in baby steps sometimes you may not see the effect it will have but it is there.
Hold fast
Ash (SWAT 1 replying from team meeting)
Hi nyntje
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You dont have to apologise for posting here and for writing this. There is nothing to apologise for. I know you may think you are not a worthwhile person but you are wrong. You are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be loved and cared about and you should be. I would like you to see it too. 
Therapy can be very intense. I know it from my own experince. I was in a three week program where we had a group therapy every day except for weekends. It is intense but it can help and relatively quickly. It has helped me a lot and i hope it will help you too. When you feel exhausted take your time and rest. You need to process things at your own pace.
It is hard to find people that truly care about us and it hurts when we care about somebody who does not care for us. Finding people that truly care is hard but when you do find them it is amazing. I know you can find people like that to but there are two things you should work on first that will help you in your search. First you need the let go of the toxic people in your life. You deserve better. Second you have to learn to love yourself. You are deserving of love and if people dont see it that way that means that they are wrong not you.
I hope this has helped. 
Hey Nyntje,
Let us just start by saying, you are not alone, and you are cared for, you are heard, you are loved.
Don’t lower your worth like that, don’t apologize, you have every right to feel these emotions. It hurts, but it will be okay. It hurts to feel or know that the people you care about don’t feel the same way, it hurts to not be seen or heard, it makes you think you really aren’t there. But you are, you’re real. You exist and you fucking matter. You may be pysichcially alone right now but that doesn’t change the fact of how much the world cares for you. It hurts me to see people having to suffer with this, to watch them close themselves up and call themselves unworthy of help. You deserve help, you matter, you exist. You’re fucking worth it! And I don’t mean it in an agressive way lol.
The past is very painful, I’ve seen people go through it and I’ve seen people live it out, it’s terrifying and it hurts. So they retreat back to their own world. I don’t blame them honestly, I really don’t.
-Kio
I’ve noticed that when I talk about my past it brings up alot of triggers, and if I’m already unstable it’s best not to bring up said past topics because it will make me suicidal. Please don’t hurt yourself for this, it’s just a side effect of bringing back open wounds to rexamine them, face them, and let them heal properly this time. It’s going to be okay. Just don’t let these reopened wounds be lived out again, don’t repeat the past, don’t let it take your life. You must face them. You can try writing them out in a journal if it’s too much to talk it out with someone. It may help.
I know this is hard, but youre not alone, you never will be. Please keep going, beleive me when i say youre not alone.
-Xaii
-system irigiad
@Paladine , @TheeCrazyBethy , @Micro , @disabledmetalfan , @Ashwell , @anon14688970 … Thank you all for the wonderful, amazing responses! I literally don’t know how to thank you all enough and how to explain how much this means to me. I actually got up hours before I need to leave today and even took a shower and ate something, so that’s at least some good things I think.
I don’t know how I’ll be afterwards, but we’ll see. Thank you though for being so wonderful and supportive 
Hey Nyntje
Some posts I read really affect me more than others and this is one of them and it started in the first 2 lines… Why would you think you would be wasting our time Nyntje? We Love You! we are here for you! we want to take time for you! it is a pleasure to be here for you, you and your post is not a chore. I can relate exactly to how you feel about your birthday, I feel exactly the same, you could have read my mind. The problem is, is when you or we feel like that, you tend to set yourself up for failure because not everyone sees just how important that is and it is very important as its the difference between a good day or a bad day and a good memory and a bad one. I Hope this Birthday is a Good one friend because you truly deserve that.
Your therapy sounds deep but so very important to help with the things you talk of and also the bad thoughts you are trying to fight off, it is exhausting having to revisit all the negative past events but you are so strong doing this, therapy sounds so casual and we suggest it so much but its hard and it takes bravery to face the these things so take that bravery and strength and our strength and use it to keep those bad thoughts of self punishment away Nyntje.
You very much exist, again, you are loved very much and I am so glad I read your post so that I could tell you all of that.
Much Love
Lisa
Hey Lisa,
You are such a lovely person! Thank you for responding, I hadn’t said that yet.
I’m actually scared that I don’t know if those thoughts will ever go away. Sure maybe in an ideal world, but lately it just feels like a losing game… sorry, I wish I could be happier about this now…
Anyways, thank you for responding though.
Sometimes you feel much more alive after you let the tears flow. I hope this song helps you cry
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