I guess I have alot of things to say today. Life can be pretty weird. I hate people, because they scare me.clinginess scares me, even though I’ve been clingy myself, I think? I don’t understand why I fear people who are clingy, it jsut freaks me out.
But K says there’s nothing to be afraid of. He’ll handle it himself, so, that’s feels nice. What I wanted to talk about tho was some dark thoughts that cross my mind every now and then. I know not to entertain the idea and just continue on with life, but when I fear about what could happen in life, if I fail my future, I can already see that future being pointless and… I don’t want to end up like that. But I’ve been thinking about what could happen if I fall down that hole again. I start thinking, What if I fail college? I’ll have no future, not dreams, no purpose. My mom would be so pissed with me, and I would want to kill myself so much because nothing would have a point anymore. But I wouldn’t be able to kms bc it will hurt my mom, and she will break, and go into many issues, and I don’t want to hurt her. So I decided. If I can’t make it in life, theres gotta be a compromise. I don’t want to live, but she won’t let me die. From there, I’ve thought about cutting out my voicebox. Idk how it will help, but something just seems right about it. If I can’t speak, I won’t have to make friends, I coudk jsut do my work in peace. If I cant speak, I could find a way to get into another college, counting my voice disability as being a reason I need college, a pass into it. A second chance perhaps. My mind is never quiet, but maybe after that, it can learn to be. Idk why but I can’t stop thinking about it sometimes. Ik I just need to keep pushing forwards, that’s all I have to do. But I still, ig, worry.
Hey System of Confusion - here is my response to your post.
Check out heartsupport.com/resources for some tools that can help you!
Hold Fast; we’re with you friend.
Thank you. We are going to be trying our best.
-K and X
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