two things i want to say. first off, i decided that if i’m gonna feel depressed about things then i’d rather just pile it all on at once, so i decided to tell my friend that i’ve liked him for a year and i knew he didn’t like me and that it was completely unrealistic and impossible but it still kind of hurt to be rejected. i feel like my feelings towards him just grew more intense afterwards and i hate it. i just want them gone. i want to love him as my friend, nothing more. i’m glad he’s acting pretty normal around me still. he kind of just laughed it off which i appreciate but also kind of hate cause I HAD QUESTIONS!! but it’s okay. my issue is that i’m either in love with him or just infatuated by him and the fact that i can’t have him. i still want to get rid of it either way. i treasure my friendship with him very dearly and would not like to possibly ruin it any further. which i already feel like i have just by telling him that i like him and i feel extremely guilty over. HOW DO I GET RID OF THESE FEELINGS?? i talk to him everyday which probably doesn’t help but i cant distance myself from him. so how?
second thing. i never got to say what i wanted to say to my mom. i never got to ask why i always felt like the last choice and so unloved. one of her pins on her phone was the year i was born. i almost started crying when i saw that. it’s not fair. i still needed to get the courage to talk to her. i never even told her i love her. now she’s dead… i feel so guilty. i hate myself so much.
oh and a third thing. i only ever feel irrationally angry, empty, or sometimes sad. it’s just mainly anger and emptiness now. i give up