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Time to get honest


#1

So… I’ve been on here a lot with certain things recently, but I feel like it’s time that I was completely honest with everyone.
For the last 12 years I have been fighting self-harm and prescription painkillers for 7 years… I’m now a little over 6 months clean from pills, but, I’m honestly still struggling, maybe even more that I was before… You all know that part anyway.
For a while I started to believe the love that I was shown by people of this community, which helped me into my recovery, and to come back from both of my relapses. However, I can feel myself heading back down into an extremely dark place that I don’t like. I’m working closely with my 12 step sponsor, my therapist and 2 amazing friends I have made from this community, but I’m starting to end up back in that trap of believing the lies in my head, and letting the choices of others around me dictate my behaviour, including allowing myself to cut as a form of punishment for even the smallest things.
The guilt I feel over every little thing is overwhelming. I know I can’t control the choices other people make, but, I continue to feel guilty, as if it was me making the choice for them. The suicidal thoughts I deal with on a daily basis are getting too much… They’re usually related to this guilt, to being a burden to everyone, including all of you in this community and the abuse I receive constantly from my family, which has now in a way become physical.
Something that I have kept a secret from everyone, including these 2 people, my therapist and sponsor is that I have been using paracetamol as a way of controlling my cravings on occasion. Not the craving telling me I need to get high, but, the craving for the sensation of just taking a pill, which, whist technically isn’t a relapse, I guess is still incredibly harmful. (I ran this by my sponsor, explaining it was a situation a friend is in). I tell people it’s okay for me to use the paracetamol when I’m in pain because it’s non-addictive… Even though sometimes I’m telling the truth when I say I’m going to get the painkillers due to being in pain, a lot of the time, it’s actually just me using it as an excuse to make the people I’m talking to OK with me taking it because I know they won’t ask anything more - if these people DID actually asked me what I was taking it for, I would likely end up being caught out.
I don’t know why I’ve suddenly started to lie to the people helping me, I guess its because all this stuff is making it impossible for me to believe I’m worthy of help, love and even life… I’m just not sure where I go now. Recently the only options I feel I have is suicide.
How do I change any of this at all? Is this a sign of an upcoming relapse in my drug abuse? Something else?

Sorry it’s so long. I just felt like I should start letting people in a little bit more.
Kayla.


#2

Proud of you for sharing and being honest. I can feel myself heading down the same path, just have to keep fighting. Much easier said than done I know- but we just have to take it minute by minute.

Reach out. Keep fighting. I believe in you.

Love,
Lys


#3

Hey friend, it takes a strong will to reach out and I’m glad you did. The struggle is real, always remember that for every fight you manage to win a bigger one is coming your way…but you’re stronger than before, challenges always are the same size as yours…hold fast

Love you


#4

Coming clean is a brave step.

I know that, for myself, when I promised a friend I wouldn’t kill myself, I found myself the next day with a wildly uncharacteristic urge to get drunk. When you’re struggling, you need an escape hatch. A safety net. A way to feel like you’re doing something and you have a way to get around the pain. As such things go, Tylenol is relatively harmless. (As long as you’re not overdosing.) I wonder, though, if you might be able to step down from that to Pez or Tic Tacs or something. If the point is to just dose yourself with a placebo, maybe you can get away with an actual placebo? Tell yourself these are your pills now. Carry them around with you. And when you feel the urge to swallow a pill, go for the Tic Tac. Might be worth a try.

In any case, going from substance abuse to occasionally popping OTC painkillers is a huge step, and you should be proud. You’re not perfect. You’re still struggling. It’s okay that you’re limping a little on the road to recovery. You’ve come a long way and you’re working on getting better.

Really, it depends on the purpose and perspective. If you were taking the pills as the first step on a slippery slope back down to harder substances, that would be bad. But what you’re saying is the opposite. You’ve developed this strong habit of turning to pills as an escape, but you’ve managed to taper it down and redirect it. You’ve still got that mental pattern that says taking pills is your coping mechanism, but you’re doing it much less and with something fairly harmless. That’s major progress. There’s room to be better (there always is) but don’t beat yourself up for not being 100% yet.