So… I’ve been on here a lot with certain things recently, but I feel like it’s time that I was completely honest with everyone.
For the last 12 years I have been fighting self-harm and prescription painkillers for 7 years… I’m now a little over 6 months clean from pills, but, I’m honestly still struggling, maybe even more that I was before… You all know that part anyway.
For a while I started to believe the love that I was shown by people of this community, which helped me into my recovery, and to come back from both of my relapses. However, I can feel myself heading back down into an extremely dark place that I don’t like. I’m working closely with my 12 step sponsor, my therapist and 2 amazing friends I have made from this community, but I’m starting to end up back in that trap of believing the lies in my head, and letting the choices of others around me dictate my behaviour, including allowing myself to cut as a form of punishment for even the smallest things.
The guilt I feel over every little thing is overwhelming. I know I can’t control the choices other people make, but, I continue to feel guilty, as if it was me making the choice for them. The suicidal thoughts I deal with on a daily basis are getting too much… They’re usually related to this guilt, to being a burden to everyone, including all of you in this community and the abuse I receive constantly from my family, which has now in a way become physical.
Something that I have kept a secret from everyone, including these 2 people, my therapist and sponsor is that I have been using paracetamol as a way of controlling my cravings on occasion. Not the craving telling me I need to get high, but, the craving for the sensation of just taking a pill, which, whist technically isn’t a relapse, I guess is still incredibly harmful. (I ran this by my sponsor, explaining it was a situation a friend is in). I tell people it’s okay for me to use the paracetamol when I’m in pain because it’s non-addictive… Even though sometimes I’m telling the truth when I say I’m going to get the painkillers due to being in pain, a lot of the time, it’s actually just me using it as an excuse to make the people I’m talking to OK with me taking it because I know they won’t ask anything more - if these people DID actually asked me what I was taking it for, I would likely end up being caught out.
I don’t know why I’ve suddenly started to lie to the people helping me, I guess its because all this stuff is making it impossible for me to believe I’m worthy of help, love and even life… I’m just not sure where I go now. Recently the only options I feel I have is suicide.
How do I change any of this at all? Is this a sign of an upcoming relapse in my drug abuse? Something else?
Sorry it’s so long. I just felt like I should start letting people in a little bit more.