Tips to deal with a painful break up...9 months later

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I have refraimed from visiting or posting on this site for a while now just because I have felt embarrassed about some of the things I have said on here and about my current thoughts and emotions. I am now 9 months out of what was an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Still 9 months out of it, I have severe PTSD from the situation that I deal with daily. I have incredibly vivid flashbacks and memories of the situation. Followed by this, I am constantly plagued with horrible intrusive thoughts and because of this need to be constantly stimulated by some sort of noise (i.e. music, television, products etc.). I am easily triggered into tears in a matter of seconds by the simplest of things. I am scared to fall asleep sometimes in fear that I will dream of my ex. I have seen multiple therapists and psychologists to talk about this. I underwent EMDR therapy to help deal with the PTSD. I moved away and am back home now surrounded by friends and family. I have blocked my ex on all digital platforms and have not once tried to contact him. I have not viewed any of his social medias for at least 7 months. I wrote a letter that I never sent, just to get out all the things that I wanted to say to my ex. I hardly talk about him to others. I have no items in my possession that belong to my ex or that remind me of them. I have literally done everything I know of that has helped me get through a breakup in the past and then so much more on top of it. Don’t get me wrong, there has been at least some progress within these 9 months, but not enough to make living bearable. I have had good moments in these 9 months, but have not experienced one moment of real happiness or joy. The pain is constantly weighing me down. Despite all of this, and all of the abuse, I still miss my ex terribly. I have found a way to blame myself for everything instead.

I understand that time will truly be the only thing that will completely heal me, but it has been 9 months with not much relent. I want to be able to at least feel some happiness and ability to love and trust while I heal. I want to like to do the things I love again without feeling exhausted from the constant pain.
So I guess what I’m saying is, am I missing anything? Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation that has found some coping mechanisms that I have not listed?

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Hello @aralcss It sure sounds like you’ve been through the ringer during these 9+ months.
First of all, you shouldn’t be embarassed of anything you’ve said in the past or of your thoughts and emotions. We are all human and are entitled to express how we are feeling at any given moment.

I am sorry for what you went through in your relationship. You should know that no one deserves to be treated that way. Abuse is not ok in any form and you should never accept that type of behavior. You are worth more than that. Your mind and body are worth more than pearls. And no one can ever take your worth away. They can try with words and fists. But you must know your true worth is beautiful and you must learn that and know that inside. I understand that getting over an ex is difficult. I think we all have an ex creep up in our minds from time to time. Sometimes we go through so much emotion and life with someone that it seems impossible to just forget it all or act as if it never happened. The truth is, you don’t have to forget. Because the journey has now shaped you… You’ve got lessons to be learned from every situation. This relationship for example, you have reunited with loved ones, and you know some where deep down that you blaming yourself is unrealistic. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may be hurt. You may be down, but you are not broken.

“Everything in life takes time” I find myself saying this all the time. To myself. To my friends, family, coworkers, and customers at my job. And it’s TRUE. You’re focusing so hard in finding coping mechanisms that you’ve forgotten what you were wanting in the first place.

Love.

I am sure you stayed with the abuser cause you thought they loved you. Maybe that no one else could love you. But truth is, your friends and family were waiting back home for you. Because they love you. You have a whole community that is here because we love you. The missing piece, is for you to love yourself. You took the first step in speaking up, you have a journey ahead. Sometimes it is not easy to love yourself. …But that is what you have not listed. Your next step is to learn how to love yourself so you understand your worth.

This may sound crazy… but maybe find a soothing place in nature. Maybe by some water or in a field and just sit for a moment to completely relax yourself. Once you’re calm, look around you and notice all the small things around you. Maybe the veins in the leaves, the texture of the grass, the sparkle of the water when the sun hits a wave. The way nature has formed these things so unique. Each object with its own shape, smell, distinctions. Take a moment to appreciate them. See these small details and how perfect and beautiful they are no matter how imperfect? Things maybe you didn’t notice before? There are small beautiful details about yourself that maybe you haven’t noticed before either but someone else has. Like when you laugh at something on your phone. Or maybe the way you look when you sleep. Maybe its the way you figit. Or the way you get frustrated when something slows you down. You are perfect even in all of your imperfect ways. I don’t know you. But I love you. We all do. And I think you’re beautiful inside and out because you are special.

You deserve nothing but the best. Don’t think any differently.

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hey friend
thank you for posting . im sorry your are still going through something that hurts .
I recently got out of a relationship from a guy who cheated on me with another girl on halloween but i didnt find out till the next day .
Keep surrounding yourself with friends and family. Let those who you personally care about show you unconditional love,
Hold fast friend we love you
-Ashley

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Thank you for the lovely and detailed reply. I agree with what you are saying. I know for a fact that I haven’t loved myself throughout this process. Even when I felt like I was doing things to love myself, deep down I knew it wasn’t authentic. Staying busy isn’t always loving myself. I have forgotten that loving myself would be a key component to my recovery. Today I am going to write a list of ways and things I can do to be kind to myself and to help love myself again.

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Thank you so much for your reply and for your compassion. I am so sorry that you have to deal with what you are going through right now as well. Sending love.

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That’s a great idea! I’m glad you spoke up. We’ve got your back any time you need something. :smile:

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aralcss,

Sucks to feel like your life has stalled out…like you’ve tried everything and nothing’s gotten better. I think that stevie’s pointing at some really good things…the challenge is that you’re trying everything you can to strike at the leaves and cut them back, but the root remains…in this case, the root is your heart, and the way you view yourself / how you have learned to receive love.

With your dad, nothing ever made sense, so you always thought the only variable was yourself – IE you could only blame yourself, because it never made any sense to blame your dad. In that same way, you blame yourself with your X…nothing he did made any sense, it literally was torturously confusing, and so because you can’t logically fit blame for him, you place it on yourself. It’s all you know how to do…it feels like you need someone else to feel confident you are okay being loved, you need someone else superseding your natural bias towards finding fault in yourself…but what if your default, the whole way you look at life is based on faulty logic? Based on pain instead of truth? That would be worth investigating. You will know the roots by the fruit.

In my life, I believed that love was based on my performance, and the bitch was that the harder I tried, the worse it got, because all I knew how to do was to say, “I’ll be loved when ____”. I think you’ve got the same system…“I’ll be loved when my dad or my ex or someone else will love me.” But the challenge is that if you need an external stimulus to love yourself, when you remove that influence, you leave a vacuum, a shell, of someone who needs to attach somewhere else to be loved. And it’s not because you’re stupid, it’s because you’re wounded. And in order to get healed, you have to truly address the wound, and not just cope with the pain.

If you’d like, I have a video version of a retreat that goes into that kind of healing that might be worth looking into. You’d have to be committed – it’s like 9 or 10 videos, each 1-1.5 hours long with 30m or so of journaling activities after each. But, if you’re committed to it, it would definitely be a great start.

Either way, I’m proud of how hard you’ve been pursuing your own self-care. Even if it’s not perfect, you are trying, and that is awesome. To persist in trying even when the results are discouraging takes a certain boldness, and you have that in spades. Good work :slight_smile:

PS – not embarrassing to post. Happy to get the opportunity to speak into your life. No one here is judging or even reading back to your old posts to be like “OMG THIS GIRL”, right? You’re safe to post however much, however often. If it’s helpful, post when you need, not when you think we’re ready to hear…we’re always ready to hear :slight_smile:

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Hi Nate,

Thanks so much for the detailed response. I definitely think that the pattern of constantly blaming myself is now something that I have observed enough that I feel like I can and should target, i.e. in therapy. As well, I definitely need to get back into putting effort into loving myself. Its just very difficult when I am constantly so tired/busy/stressed from school, it is easier to just fall back into old habits. I am currently just finishing up the semester in school so I am quite busy but I would definitely like to have a look at those videos when I have time during Christmas break if you are able to send them my way. I will keep you updated on how they work out for me of course.

Thanks again for always being so patient and kind with me,

Clara