I don’t really know what I’m doing. I had no idea forums like this existed. I’m tired of feeling this way, I wish I was better at expressing myself or knowing how to put my thoughts out clearer. It feels like everyone around me knows how to ask for help or show they’re upset, but everytime I try I feel disgusting and pathetic. I feel like no matter what I ask for I will be rejected. I feel selfish for feeling alone. I have two very close friends who I know care about me, my family loves me. But it feels like everyone who should be there for me doesn’t feel like I feel. I always put in more effort. I don’t lie or say anything that could ever possibly hurt those I care about. My best friend started abusing drugs and doesn’t want to be around me or her new friends unless I start smoking with them anymore. My only real life friend left talks behind my back and lies about everything. I try so hard to be happy. I don’t want to complain or be sad when there’s so many reasons I shouldn’t be. But I can’t help but go out places and feel numb. I hang around groups of people and feel like the only freak who doesn’t belong anywhere or doesn’t get the joke or doesn’t smoke. I think I’m falling in love with my only other close friend left. I met him online almost 2 years ago and he has already expressed before he would never date someone long distance. He’s making plans with someone now and going on a date soon. I feel pathetic. I hate that I feel jealous and alone. The sadder I’m becoming the less I’m talking to people. I told my friends I will be working overtime so that no one will contact me. I’m isolating more and more and I can’t blame anyone else but me.
Welcome to HeartSupport!! I too stumbled across this page when I was younger and suffering from depression and anxiety. I posted my own struggles and got so much encouragement, so I hope you get the same. I know it is scary, but you are so brave for sharing your story!
My friend, asking for help looks just like this. Just sharing your feelings like you are doing. You’re doing great. There is no right or wrong way to ask for help. You just do it. I can also assure you with 100% certainty that you are not disgusting or pathetic. You are awesome. You are strong. You are loved more than you know.
Whatever you’re feeling right now is completely valid and you do not need to feel ashamed because of those emotions. Emotions are healthy and putting on a brave face seems like the right thing to do, but in the end, I believe it does more harm than good. You are not a burden, no matter how much you feel like one. You deserve hope and healing.
I am so sorry that your friends are making poor choices. I am proud of you for not giving into peer pressure. It is really tough especially when it is coming from those closest to you. Keep looking for real, honest friends. I believe they are out there. If you are on Twitch, follow HeartSupport and tune into our streams. I often find community there when I feel lonely. You are not selfish for being alone and you are worthy of community. Keep looking for it and don’t give up. If you don’t have community right now, HeartSupport will fill the gaps until you find your own community.
Do you have access to a therapist? That is one way to talk about these feelings and feel a little less alone. While a therapist is not a substitute for community, I think one may be helpful until you find what you are looking for.
I believe in you. Hold fast.
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