Hi people
I am tired. Tired of being me, tired of being alive, tired of being on the fence. Soon it is going to be a year from the first time I tried to kill in the year 2021. Here I am again. Wanting to die again. Tomorrow I am going to my therapist. I dont know what to say to her. If I tell her I want to die she might send me to the psych ward and I dont want that.
You are all kind to me and loving and… it hurts. I know if people hated me I would no longer be here. I am not deserving. Things like love are wasted on me. I cant feel it i cant enjoy it… I am tired. I dont like myself. I think others care about me more than I do. It is exhausting to care. I dont want to care. When I am not in pain I dont want to live when I am I want to die. I am tired of struggling. I cant imagine a world where I would like to exist. I cant. I want to leave this place…
can you tell me what a “deserving” person looks like? what they sound like? What actions do they do? How do they think?
You’ve survived a year since that first attempt. You have singularly touched lives and helped lonely hearts feel love and support in the world.
I’m glad every day that you’re here with us. I’m so sorry that it’s been so hard for you.
Funny thing about love, true love without demands or expectations - it’s hard for most of us to hear someone genuinely say “i love you” and not have at least one reason inside our brain explaining why we’re not.
You’ve been a force of good. I won’t bombard you with love and appreciation, rather I’d say I wish I could hold you hand and let you feel what you feel and know we’re here for you always.
People who care about me inevitably get hurt. Because the care more about me than I do. I deserving person is somebody who would be glad for the company of others. I dont. I am annoyed when people what to play with me or watch a movie with me or… anything. Their efforts are wasted on me…
wanna hear a fact of life?
come closer, i’ll whisper it…
People who care inevitably get hurt.
in any context, the act of caring, opens one up to the possibility of pain, not matter how fleeting, how irrational. it’s not unique, it’s a universal fact I think that we all have at least one moment, a twinge, a second of pause where we’re not all-happy-smiley-face-over-the-top-gleeful.
it’s fine if that’s how you prefer it, the people around you may even know that’s how you are? It’s not up to you to determine if someone’s efforts are wasted. You may know it won’t get them any results, but maybe their joy lies in trying? Have you ever considered that?
Yes It is just a visious circle. I want to die. People dont want me to die because they care about me. I try to live on and not to kill myself. I begin to despise people who care abou me because I cant kill myself because that would hurt them…
that is a literal cycle yes, buttt you’re still making people happy with your existence.
I’m looking at it as an energy cycle,you’re in the centre of your system, spinning in place, held in place/alive by the presence of others, just there. But your effect on others is to help power up their cycles so they can go on and do good in the world.
You’re like a reluctant, slightly grumpy battery that’s boosting other systems up, whole machines and movable vehicles, while you’re not a machine or vehicle to ‘go’ anywhere, you’re appreciated for doing what u do in your stationary position.
My last question for a bit (i know it can be draining, sorry!): What if you embraced being this battery for others, accepted it as the thing you’re supposed to do?
Like when life is meaningless for you? Well yeah, because the meaning is in the things you do for others to make their days better?
So when people care about you, you just accept it as part of the role, and don’t let it annoy you?
Thats the tricky part. I have just had a persistant thought that I dont want to wake up tomorrow. It is hard being a baterry when there is not much left to give.
i still have to make this post i wanted to do. maybe there is an idea or two in it that could bring you some comfort. will see when i can get the time to do it.
Even if you dont want to wake up tomorrow, you “care” about other’s having a good tomorrow when they wake up. Even if that caring is not emotional and it’s an academic, emotionless approach, it works for others.
So, maybe you don’t have to always feel it, in order to be able to give?
I love you friend. I hope you had some needed rest last night. Take it easy and slowly today, as much as possible. It may not feel as such, but I can assure you that waking up today is a great victory. It’s also okay if it’s the only achievement today.
Let’s ride the wave together, and make sure you stay safe.
PS - Maybe strategizing and anticipating that kind of moment in the future would be a good thing? I was thinking about the Safety Plan - so we and your therapist could support you best, especially through a contract made with yourself during a time when you would have felt better. I find that it is a good way to reflect on why we keep trying, and not just necessarily for others. As always, it’s just a suggestion. You know we’re here though.
Hi
I have talked to my psychiatrist today. Since then I have been doing better. We talked a lot about the past few days and some other things plus my suicidal thoughts even though not so much about those. I have also been at work today. It has been ok. I just want to let you know that I have been doing a bit better. I will try to do my safety plan, not today but definitely some time this week.
Thank you for your support Micro. I appretiate it.
Hey, I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I can’t even admit to my suicidal thoughts anymore because of how much it hurts my family, and also because I would be endangering my safety to dangerous people. I have to keep my head held high whether I want to die or not. I have to continue living, for myself. Because this is my life, and my body, and my existence. And even if I don’t want to continue on, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s my life to live, and that doesn’t make it okay for anyone to make the choice of what Ineed or Iwant to do in that life, or even choose how it ends. Just as I can’t choose what I want to do to others or choose for others in their own life. And the fact that I can’t deny, that there are others part of me that want to live and won’t let me go into harm’s way and that ending myself would also end them. While there may be days I feel I can’t stand, I have to keep moving forward because in the end I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, a butterfly to guide you to the flower. And that’s a bit where you can find your motivation. Maybe you don’t want to live, but you have to, to protect yourself, or your family, or simply your sense of self. And yes, that absolutely sucks sometimes, because you don’t want it, but, if you let yourself keep feeling that way, or succumb to the thoughts, you’d be putting yourself in multiple types of dangers. Never let yourself give up. And never let others control the parts of life you want to live, including yourself. Because the brain loves to corner you in the worst possible places, just as much as people.
