hello @ anyone who reads this, this is my first post on here
As a 15 year old sophomore in high school, I have a long life to live ahead of me; unfortunately i’ve been dealing with (basically) untreated depression for the past 4-5 years, and it’s getting the better of me at this point. I did have a therapist I was going to for a short while, until she stopped contacting my parents to schedule appointments, which pretty much threw out any chance of getting antidepressants (ESPECIALLY since my mom has some sort of stigma against them). I was doing better about a year or two ago, but recently it’s gotten worse for no real reason at all. I’m uninterested in much of what i used to enjoy (swimming, reading, etc etc) and I never feel like doing much of anything due to a general lack of energy–basically, i have all of your typical depression symptoms, but with no outlet or treatment for them. Overall, I’m really sick of feeling this way, and my thoughts seem to get more scrambled, convoluted, and dangerous as time goes on.
I’ve also been struggling with feeling disconnected from people, mostly since there’s few people I know in person that I could relate to. I already feel somewhat outcast from some of my friends–never wanting to hang out with me, text, whatever. I’ve also been struggling with my spirituality; basically questioning the existence of God, since it seems like He’s never answered a single fucking prayer in my whole life (except getting a dog, thanks a lot [sorry4language])
With all of the negative stuff aside, I have a potentially long life ahead of me. I have a passion and talent for drawing, I have ideas of where I could work to apply my art skills, I have online friends I want to eventually meet, and I have places I want to visit and see when I get older. I’ve even started learning Hawaiian just because I wanna go to Hawaii someday . The problem is that the mental anguish and frustration I’m putting myself through by simply existing doesn’t seem worth it compared to my possible future.
sorry if this is really wordy; I like to write, and when i write, i write a lot lol–also this has been pent up for a while, needed to say this somewhere