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Tired of nothing

I feel so strange. Its like… I dont know. I was getting a bit better but I didnt. I dont know if i want to be alive. I dont know if I want to try. If someone told me the “If you really want something just go and get it” I would just lay down and say that I dont want it that much. I am empty and I dont want to keep trying. It just feels like constantly trying to keep your head above water, why not just let oneself sink. There are reasons why one should continue I know that i know you can probably name a lot but I just dont find them compeling enough. I am tired of trying to keep myself alive when I dont want to be.

Think of the people that care about you. Think of the good things you might experience. Think of the things you enjoy. I hear you all. But maybe i am willing to sacrifice the good for the bad to end. To return myself to the state of nonexistence. I cant keep doing this. I cant keep telling people who have it worse then me to go on when i am not willing to do it myself. Taking some time off didnt help. It just made things more clear. I am tired of working towards making things decent and bearable. The good isnt that good and the bad is bad. I dont want to go on.

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@Ashwell

You are very much loved.

Is there anyone irl that you can talk to right now? A friend or someone close?

I’m worried about you my friend. I want you to be safe and ask for help if you need to. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Rosie.
Thank you. I am sorry. I am really going up and down (mostly down). I am going to have a therapy session in a week. I am not in danger to myself but I keep thinking about it every day. I am sorry.

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You don’t have to apologize. What you are going thru is real and it’s confusing and scary. We are here fo you my friend and you know where to find me if you want to talk. :hrtlegolove:

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if life is like energy waves or sea waves, with high crests and low troughs… it’s hard to remember one when you’re in the other, it looks far, it looks foreign, it looks unknowable.

You’ve shared a lot with us here, and you have had moments to hold on too. When you’re on a crest, you made memories and had accomplishments. Even if you can’t remember what it felt like, just know that this trough will end soon, and you will be buoyed back up to the surface. You may not just have to ride it out, knowing that it will end, it always does, if nothing else - it will change. It won’t be this way forever. It will get better.

Reach out to someone if you feel you need the extra support. You are very loved.
nice day for fishing? Maybe not today, but maybe tomorrow friend. :hrtlegolove:

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I am tired. Somebody told me that I know how to fight and that i should pull myself together. Yes I think i know how. But maybe i just dont want to. Maybe i dont think life is worth fighting for.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hey Matt, I have a reason for you to be here, I have a reason for you to fight even when you are so tired you dont have the energy to do so anymore its us, its Heartsupport, its Discord, Its SWAT 1, 2, 5 and 6 and all the hundreds of people that are so gratefull for every single word of love and encouragement you have given to them on our support wall, I am certain that if everyone of them knew how you felt right now they would send you love along with us. Thats a lot of love, that is a biiiiggg bucket of love. So ill add to that that I love and support you and we are all here for you. (see I told you I had a reason) xxxxxxx

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! You’re such a wonderfull person Matt/Ashwell you know that. You are 100% loved here (Like a bucket overflowing with water) and its a biggggggggggggg bucket : D.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

My Friend, you are very much loved in this community. I cherish the time we spend together listening to music and just chatting. I just want you to know that you are a valued and respected person in this community. What can we do to better support you? <3 ~Mystrose

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From: SuchBlue

Hi Ashwell,

It doesn’t matter how you feel, how you think and what you think. We still love you no matter what and we are definitely not the only ones. You support people and you deserve to be supported too. The people who you’ve supported definitely love you. We don’t always see it but it is always there :hrtlegolove: You matter, you just do

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From: Rohini_868

"Maybe i dont think life is worth fighting for."

You’re worth fighting for. Even if life itself feels hard and not worth it, hopefully the connections you have here, with your friends and loved ones can give you something to hold on to. You are loved, you’re the only one here who already shares VLDL with me, so I’m definitely always and forever going to root for you staying with us :slight_smile:

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From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello dear friend :hrtlegolove: You are amazing and I’m honestly so pleased to have you around.

I miss hearing your terrible jokes and I hope to hear them again soon. You are not just an incredibly value member of this community but a wonderful addition wherever I interact with you and I enjoy those times greatly.

I understand your struggle. Probably more than you know based on our interactions to this point but I do personally understand this struggle you are talking about and I am so pleased that you continue being a part of this community.

One of the absolute best things about interacting with people here and getting to spend so much time with people in HS is that feeling of knowing you are surrounded by people who have felt the way you have and know what you are going through even if you haven’t heard them say it. We all have our own daily struggles, our own stories, our own journeys and experiences, but we are all connected by that feeling of loneliness we felt before finding this space and knowing we are not alone.

Thank you for being here and being a part of HS. Thank you for being someone I look forward to interacting with. Thank you for being someone that I hope will join a SWAT meeting when I am in one. I know you are taking a break right now and I’m very glad you are caring for yourself. I’m not pressuring you to join before you are ready, I’m just saying that when I get to spend time with you again like we did last week I will be very happy to interact with you. And anytime you want to talk not in SWAT I will always be happy to chat and share some terrible joke websites with you. You are awesome and thank you so much for being you.

:hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove: Just keep swimming :hrtlegolove: :hrtlegolove:

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I love you all. I am so grateful to know you. :heart:

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Love you @Ashwell. Small steps, okay? These are strong feelings and thoughts that push you to reconsider a lot of things in your life, if not your life as a whole. Make sure to refocus on very small and practical things for now. There is a tangible perspective with this therapist appointment as well. I’m so very proud of you. I know it takes so much of ourselves to keep pushing and giving ourselves a chance when we are so drained and tired. I believe in you. :hrtlegolove:

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Than you Micro. I am going to do that.

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My days are full of mood shifts. I feel out of place. Things cause me emotional pain. I cant focus. I get annoyed quickly. I feel like there is not a good future ahead of me. I try to make it go away. I feel ok one moment and bad another. I am tired of this.

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Doing a bit better. Also calmer. Managed to be a bit productive. I hope for no more sudden shifts.

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I am going on. I am trying. I havent self harmed or tried to kill myslef in more then half a year. Sometimes a thought of self harm appears in my mind. It seems exciting. There is a therapy next monday but to be honest it is not doing much. Its not pointless but its just not doing much. I honestly dont know if therapy can help me. I know how therapy works and I dont think it is for me. You have to have a goal to work towards and I have said that my goal was to not get in a situation where i would want to kill myself but that was just not entirely true. I am not afraid of dying. I honestly dont know what to aim for in therapy. I just sort of talk. I know deep down that if I started working on dying and suicide i would go far. I know I would follow up on that goal. And I am sick of people treating suicidal thoughts like cancer. like they are wrong. If there was no reason for them then they would not be there. And they are there for a very lond time. I am tired. I have a mind that wants to die and a body that wants to live. My frustration comes from this. The fact that deep down I want to kill myself but I cant because it would hurt people I care about. I feel like the rope in the tag of war. It is not because of pain and frustration that i want to kill myself. The pain and frustration comes from the fact that i shouldnt and I cant.

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I honestly dont know if therapy can help me. I know how therapy works and I dont think it is for me. You have to have a goal to work towards and I have said that my goal was to not get in a situation where i would want to kill myself but that was just not entirely true.

It is a very healthy and fundamental goal of course. It sets the foundation for something else, for the possibility to live. Although I would think that this is a step towards something else, and not the main goal of therapy. What you describe is survival, which is essential when we are deeply struggling, but in the long run it can’t be enough. Life can’t just be about not doing something. Otherwise it’s completely understandable to feel stuck in a pattern of always coming back to the same thoughts and pain. Imagine you tell someone to go to an AA meeting, and say that they have to go there because it’s going to prevent their partner from crying again because of their addiction. They go there, they don’t give a shit about what is said but at least they acted so something that could happen won’t happen, right? They maintain their sobriety. Their partner is feeling a huge relief. But for the whole time they were there, they were bored and didn’t see the point of being there. It benefited them from a practical standpoint - sobriety is required to heal. But it didn’t meet their needs, which is more than likely to understand their emotions better, give space to it, eventually address past events, traumas, life stress, etc.

Yes, you can develop ways to cope with therapy, especially in times of emergency or intense darkness. It’s a wonderful takeaway to have already. But your heart also needs something more, something to look forward to, something that helps you to hold on to life and to learn to embrace it, to see what’s worth in it. So you could actually feel and connect the dot between not hurting yourself and why you need to not hurt yourself. Therapy is a lot about dealing with symptoms and providing immediate relief/coping mechanisms/strategies. But it’s also about digging deeper and meeting yourself at a time when you are highly vulnerable, so you can create potential changes that are needed - but scary as well. For example, have you discussed on therapy about your family dynamics? Is it something you’d feel like doing? Do you share about your studies? (which is not just about accomplishing something, but about something that resonate with your heart even if the veil of depression may let it seem artificial to you at times). About work? These separate areas of your life that are key elements of your daily routines and what you experience.

I guess what I mean is, maybe your long-term goal in therapy would actually be about finding what makes you feel existing and not only surviving. In other words: a first step is to get to a place where you have control over your suicidal thoughts, indeed. But from “I’ll not hurt myself because I don’t want to hurt others”, you might need to work on ending up with the formulation of something positive – “I want to live for…”. At this time, you probably won’t be able to formulate it, because depression and anhedonia make it very challenging. Which is exactly when therapy plays a role: it’s a time and space to reflect on your daily life, your thoughts, your needs, your dreams, your habits, etc. – to explore your life as an observer and share your feedback with someone so you can see what works or not. And through all of it, learning to be progressively more in tune with what you need.

I hope all of this makes sense? Sorry if it doesn’t. Having a hard time putting words on my thoughts today.

I care about you a lot. I believe in you so freaking much. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Micro
Thank you. Thank you so much. I think you are right. I should try to refocus my therapy. I have discussed my family and my studies there. It’s just that it helped that day but in the long run it doesn’t change much. I think I have already come to terms with the fact that my mum wount change. Few days ago when my dad was visiting us in Prague she kept texting him that he is an asshole and that she wants a divorce. She was dead drunk. My father ignored it and the next day even brought her gift. There isn’t much perspective there.

You are right that I am in this cycle and there needs to be a way out. I feel sorry for making people worried even though I know it is ok to ask for help. That’s the problem with one moment wanting to die and another feeling like getting a cup of coffee. The questions like “Are my problems really that serious?” “Other people have it worse then me.” To any other person I would say don’t hesitate to ask for help but it’s hard to be self compassionate. I care about you and other people I have met here a lot. Tbh there were so many times when you kept me going.

Thank you. Thank you for being you and for being there for me. You have so many struggles yourself and you still help so many people me included. You are truly amazing :slightly_smiling_face:

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