It feels like that’s the only thing people want. And to them, anyone who thinks differently is stupid. That’s what it feels like. Who the hell can compete with that? No one’s perfect, but everyone seems so fake - like, you’ll think that maybe someone likes you, but then as soon as someone “prettier” or sexual shows up, you no longer exist to them. I’m never gonna be able to compete with that. I don’t want to compete with that. I want someone better than that in my life. I want someone who will stick with me through the good times, the ugly times, and the hardships. I don’t want to be a pornography for someone. I’m never going to be a “beautiful” person in the traditional physical sense. Why can’t someone love me for my heart and mind? And not take advantage of me for that? Honestly, there are times, like today, where I feel like it would just be better to jump off a cliff because I’m tired of fighting. Tired of searching. What’s the point of existing when it feels like no one is ever gonna truly love you?
I know there’s a lot of flaws that I have to work on. I know that people don’t “owe” me anything, but I’m tired of feeling used. I know that it’s unfair to rely on others for happiness; I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. But why does everything have to hurt so much? I know I have to love people for who they are, because it’s unfair to try and fit them to my ideal - again, I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. I know I complain so much, but it’s hard to look on the bright side when you feel like you’re stuck in a shit-hole.
But is it really so hard to love me, and to not look elsewhere? Why is committing so hard? For me, and for others? People are always telling me to look on the bright side, but can’t they see the good parts of me and celebrate that? I want to celebrate the good things in people, too! I want to love someone who won’t hurt me; I want to love someone who loves me, not someone who’s waiting for the next best thing or the easiest thing to come their way.
I know that a “true love” is more than infatuation and that once you pass that obsession stage, love is a choice and takes work. I’m willing to do that work. Why does it feel like everyone just goes for the easiest thing?
Hi there,
This post breaks my heart because I can feel your frustration through your writing. Also, it seems like you are a genuine and sweet person who deserves to be loved! I’m sorry you are having such trouble finding that special someone. One thing that I have discussed with some of my friends before (who seem to have similar issues with dating) is being more selective in how you meet people. I tend to discourage my friends from using free dating apps in particular, because it seems as though everyone I speak to has similar experiences where they feel used or unfulfilled through using those kinds of apps. The only other thing I can offer is to just stay strong and be patient. Maybe take some time off worrying about dating at all and do some stuff that really makes you happy! TREAT YO’ SELF (if you are a Parks and Rec. fan lol). It’s amazing how stepping away from something can give you a new perspective on it. I hope this helps! <3
I’m sorry you are not in a good mood. I don’t know if I can make you feel better. Sorry once again.
Thanks for your reply 
I’m not a fan of dating apps; most seem like they’re just for “casual” relationships. While I know that relationships in general aren’t going to be “serious” right from the get-go (this ain’t Disney), I’m looking for someone who won’t have a wandering eye/hand and will instead focus on me/us- an exclusive relationship. Anything else just feels like cheating. Unless of course, we both agree that things aren’t working out or decide to not go on further dates. (I hope I don’t sound controlling; that is certainly not my intention. I wouldn’t want to control someone and I wouldn’t want anyone to control me. I’d just like a monogamous relationship.)
I’m trying to remember the other good things in life, but it’s hard for me to walk away when I’ve caught the feels. It’s hard for me to step away or take a break because I hold onto those last shreds of hope, even if I know they are false hopes. I wish I could get some perspective, I wish I could be distracted by something else long enough to forget and just move on.
Someday I’ll be better. I just hope these experiences don’t leave me so broken that I’m never able to trust and love the right person when they finally come into my life.
I know how you feel. Love takes times and when you meet the right person you can work together to love each other in a pure way not the worldly view of love.
I totally understand you. It’s hard to feel secure with someone when you’re scared they are looking elsewhere. If it helps, I’ve been in the same relationship for 12 years and he is absolutely the love of my life. But we have also had our fair share of arguments when it comes to stuff like this. I accuse him of checking out other girls (which sometimes I may be right) but often times I’m just accusing him because I’m insecure and have low self esteem. I also hate the thought of him watching porn (which he says he has stopped) but I still worry about it. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, or why bother putting all this effort into pleasing him if he’s going to watch some random girl on the internet anyway.
It’s discouraging and I totally understand you. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of him looking at someone else sexually. You’re not controlling, you just want to be respected and loved. Some people may say I’m controlling because I ask my fiancé not to watch porn, but it makes me feel so incredibly bad so anyone who says that can suck on an egg lol. You know what makes you happy and comfortable, listen to your gut! And just know that even after 12 years no one is perfect, and there will always be compromise and work to be done.
Love is hard! Just be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to speak up if something is bothering you. I’m sure I have driven my significant other crazy with my insecurities, but talking through it and having him understand me and listen helped a lot. When I actually explained the reason why porn makes me so upset he seemed to understand more, and promised to stop. Again, I still have doubts from time to time. Also it’s hard when everyone treats porn like a normal part of life, when in reality it can be quite destructive in a number of ways. I hope you can find someone with similar values, or someone who at least listens and understands your values. <3
Thanks for your post. Love is absolutely a choice, and not a feeling. You feel happiness, sadness, and other emotions towards people, but true love is choosing someone. I’m a recovering sex-addict and porn was my issue. For 13 years I hid my issues from my loved ones, and my fiance found out 4 months before our wedding. We almost called it off, but she worked with me and chose me. She still does, more than a year after the reveal. Porn kills love. Society uses sex and sexual images in almost everything, and has caused comparison culture to really hurt people. Constantly comparing to the ads you see online, or the instagram models that seem so happy. People are much more than just sex object. Porn caused me to see people, as well as my spouse as nothing more than an object. I’ve worked hard to overcome unhealthy habits, and it is reflected in how I view people now. People are more than their body parts, and so are you. Your value is so much more than what you feel like your body “should” be. Porn kills love, that’s for sure.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad that you found someone who loves you and is willing to work through your troubles.
This is such a true statement. The way other people look or whether or not they appear to be happy, that shouldn’t be something we compare ourselves to, but with such a pervasive, visual, sexual culture, such feelings become unavoidable. It truly feels like no one will love me for who I am, no one will love the way I look, because they’ll always be comparing me to porn; they’ll be comparing me to an object. To something fake or less than true.
I usually have a hard time believing people can really change, but I think the more I hear about people who recover from porn/sex addiction, the more I’m able to have faith that change is possible. Thank you again for sharing your story!
Hi!
Your post was so deep. WOW. It hit me, cause I think the same way. Love became something so banal. People don’t love anymore they just try to fill a void for their problems.
I love seeing old couples when I go to hike it gives me hope that there’s people out there who is looking for true and meaningful love.
I think the media makes people think that it is ok to watch porn, relationship in short term, and so on. People just stop caring for others, it is too selfish, too quick.
I hope you can find true love. Love is not easy, it is hard, but it is through hardships that the true ones will stay.
Cheers,
Van
Thank you for your reply!
“Love” has just become part of the “life script” that society tells us we’re supposed to follow. That’s not real love! Love isn’t just about going through the motions of buying flowers, chocolate, and greeting cards. Such gifts can be a way that people show love, but there’s so much more to it than that!
Ah, yes, the temporality of instant gratification. It’s so sad. There’s more to life! I do believe that we should live for today, because none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, but we’ve got to think about the long-term consequences of our actions and behaviors. Our pasts shouldn’t define us, but they do still affect us as well as other people. The way we act now will affect our future relationships, whether people should judge us or not, and whether we like it or not.
I’d rather wait years and years for a meaningful relationship to come along, than to chase an unfulfilling temporary high. Porn and short term relationships - these things cheapen real love. Dating for the sake of dating - that’s literally the definition of using people (in my opinion, at least). People learn to care only for what they want, and forget about others.
Sometimes I wonder if older couples who have been married for decades feel like they are trapped in their relationships because it wasn’t the “style” to separate or divorce; they weren’t raised to think that was okay.
But I think I know what you mean - the idea that an old couple was willing to work on their relationship instead of just giving up when they faced hardships - that is admirable indeed.
Thank you again for your reply. I hope you find true love, too.
I’m really, really sorry you are feeling this way. I can tell you you’re not alone, I share a lot of the same feelings, especially about hating pornography and not wanting to be someone’s porn. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give and really want more than anything to meet a person who is just as genuine and match you in that. Again…I totally hear you on this.
I’ve never had a decent relationship either and something that I have started trying to do that maybe you can try too and you’ll find it’ll help you is, we can’t place all our self worth or loveable-ness on whether or not we’re in a relationship. Do you get along with your family, do you have close friends? I hope you do, because that’s a great place to start remembering you are loved by these people. If you don’t have the best social network right now, try to attend some social groups/meet ups to make new friends. And maybe you will meet someone who’s interested in a serious relationship FOR YOU, someone who after a bit of getting to know each other decides they want just you.
I think something we all have to do is make our own happiness…you can’t put all of it in an external source. You also can’t control the meeting people thing. All you can do is get out there socially (with the intent to make friends, not to meet someone, bc you may be disappointed if it doesn’t happen every time) and see what happens. You sound super genuine and wholesome which is a rare these days, and by putting yourself out there, someone like you is going to see you and recognize how rare you are, and they’re going to see all those great things about you
Thank you for your reply 
I like to think that I don’t place my self worth/loveable-ness in a relationship, I like to think I don’t put all my happiness in an external source, but I’m realizing that I do. Fact of the matter is, I don’t like myself most days. I allow my flaws and imperfections to burden me and weigh me down. I can’t see the good things, or I get “imposter syndrome.” And if I’m fighting to be perfect, that’s a battle I’ll never win. I’ve gotta learn to work on correcting the bad things, but also to accept the things that cannot be changed. I’ve also gotta learn how to take joy in the good/positive things about me.
Making new friends is difficult, but it’s something I’ve made more of an effort to do in the last year or so. I’ve come to realize that the good/positive people I do love won’t always be around, and I don’t want to die alone. (I almost lost both my parents last year; it forced me to confront the reality that someday they’ll be gone. I’m crying just typing this sentence.) Perhaps this is why I’m putting so much value into a “significant other” relationship. I’m scared to be alone in life.
It’s hard for me to make new friends. I’m a quiet, shy, introvert and it takes time for me to warm up to a person. I’m going to keep trying, but it does become disappointing when I’ve taken the time to get to know someone and it turns out that ultimately we’re not compatible people as either friends or something more than friends. I suppose that’s a normal feeling, though.
I also have this thing where if I find out that someone I know unexpectedly has a similar/same interest as me, that I get a little suspicious of them. Like, “is this real?” I suppose that comes from my childhood where in school I was bullied and teased for the things I like such as anime and Asian things (I’m Filipina). Anime and Asian culture seem to be more accepted these days, but I’m still kinda scarred from the way I was treated during school (even a bit through college).
Thank you again for your kind words and advice. You’ve given me some things to think about and I’ll do my best to follow your advice
That’s really great that you have made an effort to make more friends! For someone who is shy, that’s really impressive. I used to be pretty shy myself and I do still have some of my original shell around me. But I found that the more I push myself to be social, the more that shell breaks. It becomes more normal to be social.
I hear you on not liking yourself a lot most days. I am going through a lot of that right now. I asked for advice on heart support and have a plan now of how to try to change. Something also my friend told me that’s helpful is don’t think of yourself as definite, think of “this is how I am right now” because we’re all each in a state of flux and can change. Building that social circle like you have been helps because then you have friends who help you remember that even when you make mistakes or have things you need to work on, there’s plenty of good things about yourself. They help you remember you can grow from your mistakes and you can improve yourself. They bolster that inside source of happiness you’re trying to build.
These friends help too because they mean we’re not alone, even if we’re not in a relationship. Having close friends means a whole network of people that care about us and are there for us to rely on! That’s certainly not being alone
I’m sorry you were bullied for those things growing up :(. There’s no reason you should be embarrassed of what you like. Anime is great! DBZ and sailor moon are my favorites :). Have you tried to joining any social groups for anime? Then you wouldn’t have to worry about being suspicious of people liking it. And even if you’re not compatible with every single person in that group, you’ll certainly make some friends and experience some new, fun things.
It really sounds like you are trying to break out of your shell and change yourself for the better. That’s really impressive! Be sure to go to your friends, family, or come to heart support on the days when you are feeling low or like you’re not progressing. Well help rekindle that fire in you 
!