Hi everyone¨
TW: suicidal ideation
It has been a while since I got to this point. I am tired of trying and tired of living. I tired of being me. I am tired of getting better and then getting worse. I am tired of the drama. Tired of the mood swings. I want to be dead. It feels so obvious. It has been something that I wanted to for a long time. It has been my biggest desire. There is so little keeping me here and so much pushing me to do it. including myself. I want to end it. I pomised not to kill myself to my therapist that is one of the main things that is keeping me from doing it. I think I no longer want to get better. I am sorry. I am just tired of this.
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Ash, please try and find some outside help.
I know the feeling of thinking it’s what you truly want most but that feeling can very well change. I get like that sometimes and then suddenly I’m fine again, it’s just about balancing out emotions and situations. Have you been taking your meds? If mood swings is an issue mood stabilizers may help.
I know what you’re going through is very tough and may seem like there is no other option but there are other options, please just hang in there.
Do you think you can contact your therapist? If you don’t feel safe with yourself they need to know to protect you.
Please know that you are loved and how important you are, you don’t deserve to feel this way. We all care about you alot.
-X
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Hi friend
I have been taking my meds. They dont help. I am going to my therapist on monday. I dont know what outside help is there. I am taking my meds I am going to a therapist I have been hospitalized two times. I think that the desire to die is a part of me. It has been for so long. I am holding on to life. I have promised not to do it. I just think I will end up killing myself in the future. In s month, year, ten years. I dont know but i think this is how it will end.
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I understand that feeling, but not now, and not yet. You still have time so don’t give up yet, you also still have a whole life ahead of you. I know the chemicals are a bitch to deal with and make every day feel like you can’t get up, and eventually it feels like it’s a part of you, but that’s only because theres a chemical imbalance, don’t let it control you. It’s going to be okay so dont give up just yet. Just wait till Monday at least, you can get through this.
-X
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Why do we promise? I dug out my old journal from when I was in rehab because you reminded me of an entry I made. During a support group meeting, they made me promise too. The whole time I was thinking hahaha yeah right. I have a lot of the same thoughts as you do, Ashwell. I’ve made the same entry in my journal about I know I will end my life eventually. I wrote this back in 2006 and I guess I’ve kept my promise so far. I hope you do too. 
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Hey Ash
Friend, if I could take all these bad thoughts from your head I would do it in a heartbeat, I hear how tired you are and I am so very sorry. I am grateful for your therapist and for the promise that you have made and im grateful for every little reason that you can think of that keeps you here because you are so important, your life is important. You are too tired to want to get better, I get that but I am not too tired, I want you to get better Ash and so do so many here, allow us to give you that strength to help get you better.
These are words on a screen, I understand that but they are sent with love all the hope in the world that they can help in some way to pick you up, hug you and make you feel loved.
Much Love
Lisa 
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Dear friend,
We love you so very much. And we’re so proud of you for doing this promise to your therapist. During these dark times, it’s essential to keep a connection with people who believe in you and are there for you. We are here for you my friend. Even in the midst of this darkness that your mind puts you into, you manage to be such a light to others around you. To me personally as well. You are this person who checks in on their friends to know how they’re doing. Who likes talking about what they’re passionate about. Who have these brilliants and generous insights about so many topics.
We may not have all the solutions but we are here for you. We will endure with you. Rest assured that you are not alone. The perspective of next Monday is one to hold on to. These are dark waves to ride, and we’ll get through it together.
You are allowed to be tired. You are allowed to want the pain and numbness to be over. But please make sure to stay safe through it all. We’re sitting right next to you and will keep pouring so much love and hope for you.
You are loved dearly. 
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Hi Ash,
I am so happy to see you reach out with this, and allow yourself to share. I know you are around often supporting others, and that we appreciate loads.
I am sorry to hear you are going through these tough feelings at the moment, and i know that not much can turn it around just like that. I have a feeling you know all the good thing some would ask you to think about and work towards, but i also get the feeling of just being too tired to fight.
I want you to know that this is a valid feeling to feel tired. When we decide to use our energy on getting better and changing things, we sometimes will hit a wall and need to slow down at collect energy again. this is important. And we will become better at dealing with these times. However they will always feel tough.
I want you to know that you are not alone, and we are many around who will support you and who are here with you.
Keep holding on to the one things keeping you from giving up, and slowly as you go, you will be able to add more things to it, even if it small things.
I have a hard time telling you what will ease the feeling of being tired of it. I dont think it is really about it. I think it is important to keep some of the feeling of being tired of having to fight through these things, because for me at least i can sometimes manage to turn it around to me wanting to do more to get better, so i dont have to fight as much and as often.
I believe it is about holding on to what we want with live. Holding on to the hope we have. That it is okay to get tired, and take time to reach a new amount of energy and continue.
Getting tired is not a failure but a progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment <3
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@Micro @anon14688970 @Lisalovesfeathers @Mystrose @Kattelogger Thank you all for your support. I appretiate it very much. 
I will try to go on. I hope monday will give me some insight.
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Hi Ashwell! No matter what, I just want to be your friend. I love you and care about you. I wish I could hug you. Even if you do not accept me as a friend, I’ll still care about you.
Keep Holding On 
Pengyou
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Hey @Ashwell,
Thnking of you today and sending love your way.
I hope yesterday’s appointment went well and that you are taking good care of yourself now.
I’m grateful for you. Thank you for making this world better by blessing us with your presence.
PS - I hope this lil’ drawing would brighten your day. (oh well I tried 
)
Thought about the lovely pile of cats you have at home. 
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That is so cuuuuute. 
Thank you so much Micro. I did not have the best couple of days. Yesterday was hard today is too.
The apointment was… hard and I just… I just dont know. So far it does not seem like itis doing much except for pointing out things I already know and pointing out some of the things I may be missing. Also there was implied something about changing my thoughts and the way I think. I dont know if I want this. I dont want somebody to check my habbits and my behavior. Also I just dont want to talk about some things with my therapist.I was honestly thinking about quitting the therapy. I might do it. I just dont think it is for me.
Days are hard. I am holding on though. There are people missing from work because of covid and there is more to be done and I am responcible for more things. Work sucks lately. I definitely hope you are having better week than me Micro.
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Hi @Ashwell
It’s what therapy is all about, learning how to think differently so you can experience the world thru different eyes. That’s why we go to therapy. To change and to grow and get out of that deep dark hole.
You’re going to hear things you already know because that’s just how its going to be.
If you aren’t comfortable talking to your therapist, then you should think about looking for someone else. What is the point of going to therapy if you hide the things that you’re going there to fix? They need to know everything that is going on with you, so they can treat you better. If you hide a symptom then you’re not going to get effective help and that’s frustrating and makes you want to give up.
Therapy does work, Ashwell. Some of the work has to come from you tho and without your help the doctor can’t help you.
Hang in there
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Please keep fighfing Ashwell, we really love and appreciate you and we’re here to support you always. I’ll never forget the encouragement you left on one of my posts and others too. You’ve made a positive impact on our lives. And I don’t know you well but you seem like a really kind and unique individual. I like to go off of the energy a person gives off, usually my intuition isn’t wrong about these sort of things haha, so I believe in you!!!
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