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To be or not to be

I turned 50 a week ago. And it’s just tearing me apart.
I have lived through molestation, rape, abusive relationships, losing my mother (my only parent). I have lived with depression so many years, it is just a part of who I am now.
I had made a plan to not be alive when I turned 50. My therapist worked with me, and my plan changed to take a trip to Ireland for my 50th birthday. Well, I worked OT and saved up and paid for a trip to Ireland. Covid hit and my trip was postponed until April 2021. Yes, I know it’s still on…but with everything that is going on…is it really definite?
I call my depression, my demon. Because he is always in my head telling me how worthless I am. How I do not need to be here anymore.
I stay alive, because I do not want to financially burden my kids. Yes, I love my kids and I do not want to hurt them by leaving this earth, but it will happen eventually. They are adults. They do not need me anymore.
My oldest daughter battles her own demon. And right now her demon has pushed me out of her life, and the lives of my grandkids. That breaks my heart wide open! And it makes me think if I cannot even be a part of their lives…what do I really have to live for.
The man I love so much wants me one day; tells me he loves and cares for me and that he wants me in his life. The next day he cares for me, but he’s not in love with me and wants something different. I never know from one day to the next where I am in his life. Yes, I know…just walk away and let go. Even though it hurts my very soul. He may not love me, but I do love him.
Yes, I have a job. Yes, I am thankful for it…so I have money to pay bills. My job, I am the only woman. I am treated with so much disrespect and rudeness…I cry every day at my desk. I am told the best thing I can do is make a sandwich, because I am not smart enough to do anything else. “Just kidding, of course.” Oh, and that my butt is as big as Kim Kardashian’s. That makes me feel better.
I feel I have lived through and done enough. It took me three days to type the list of what I want to live for.
There are several memes about…“I don’t want to die, I just want the pain to end.” Do I want to die? Well I am not afraid of death…I am afraid of living.

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Yeah, it’s like every place you could put your hope in has been crossed off:
Kids? Don’t want to be around you / don’t need you.
Grandkids? Aren’t allowed to see.
Man? Doesn’t want you.
Job? Teased all day.
Trip? Delayed. Every actually going to happen? No idea.
Life? Feels like constant pain. Haunted by depression. WTF is the point.

Feels like you’re swimming up stream constantly. And at some point you’re just fucking exhausted.

Brutal, friend. Honestly really brutal.

There is something inside of you that imagined what your life would be like at 50, and being here and having it look NOTHING LIKE what you thought it would look like makes you feel like every day is a reminder of how big of a worthless failure you are.

You know…I always thought I’d feel like a fucking badass when I became a motorcyclist. Probably didn’t think that consciously, but just assumed everyone who has a motorcycle probably feels that way. Since I got a motorcycle, I assumed I’d probably end up feeling that way too…it was only natural. I took my wife out for the first time on the back of my motorcycle on our 6th anniversary, and I went to the bathroom and was holding both of our helmets, and I looked up in the mirror and saw myself, and I saw someone who was a motorcyclist. And I tell you what was really interesting…I felt no fucking different at all. Still me, still the same dude. No different feeling whatsoever.

I have long assumed that external things would change my internal condition. It just isn’t the case. I have a beautiful wife, 3 healthy kids, am out of debt and financially stable, live in a freaking mansion (or at least it feels that way to me), have a job that literally has purpose baked into it, have meaningful friendships, change people’s lives, do things I love, take lots of adventure, have a thriving relationship with God…I “have” everything that there is to “have”. And many days I still feel like a failure. Worthless. Anxious. Drowning.

Lusting after all of these things to “have” is probably not going to solve the pain inside. And so maybe not having these things is actually some kind of opportunity that life is giving you to face the truer problem…that you don’t like yourself…that you feel worthless, that you feel like a failure…whatever it sounds like for you…and a lot of it probably roots back to the molestation and abuse…to whatever kind of relationship with your dad that you had…but ultimately, it is an internal reality. It is an internal problem. And the beauty of that is that you can BE OKAY without all of those external things because it is something inside of you that is broken and needs healing…not something outside of you that needs to be corrected or restored.

Perhaps during this time when you do not have a lot of externals to distract you from the internal life, you have the opportunity to make headway towards learning to love and accept yourself. And find healing for the pain of the past.

Perhaps the decade of your 50s is the most hopeful and fruitful you’ll ever have!

You are certainly not beyond hope. And all of the things of your life that you do not have are not actually obstacles to getting what you truly want. It is actually a rare opportunity to focus deeply on attaining that which you most desire…internal peace, joy, contentment.

You deserve those things, and I believe that fighting to get them is worth it. (and the beauty is that as we pursue those things, life has a way of working the rest out for us.)

Hope this helps, friend.

-Nate

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Nate,
Thank you for replying. You are absolutely correct, I do not like myself. All I hear in my head is how worthless and useless I am.
I am trying a new procedure for my depression. I am hoping it will help take away the voice.
I am scared, though, I do not know how much longer I can keep trying. I want so badly to give into the voice that tells me to give up. I just do not want to be the broken mess I am now. And right now…it just seems this is all I will ever be.
I want so much to see and hug my grandkids. The thought of not being a part of their lives is just unfathomable.
I do know that I don’t “need” a man in my life. But I feel so incredibly alone…and that no one will ever love me (my ex would tell me that know one will ever love me.) That hurts my very soul.
I wish I could go on some kind of sabbatical. Go find myself. Go find the faith I lost so long ago. Go find hope.