trigger warning: trama, suicide, hospital
I still have questions about these events, but don’t worry, I’m feeling safe and strong. I just need a place to put this memory. I’m going to try not to put too much detail into the triggers tho so its not flagged.
If you are reading this and you are hurting and ready to give it all up… please don’t go through with it. You are worth more than that. You are loved more than you could ever imagine. Your life is worth more than anything in the world. You matter. Please contact a professional help line who is trained to walk with you through the situation and help you make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Hold fast, I believe in you.
This day in 2013 was a really hard day. There are some good parts but I remember both the good, the bad, and the questions that I may never get answers from…
It was the day of my suicide attempt. My 1 and only suicide attempt.
Which was just the beginning my week in hell.
The day started like any other day for my parents. They left me home while they were at work. But me, I was thinking about the pain of the previous month.
Background: some legal crap was happening in the family that I thought I could fix. The officials set the date for me to talk to more people as Aug. 5th. I knew I messed up…big time. My family started hating me more and the wrong story was being told. The weight caused my depression to worsen. I remember feeling stuck/ trapped in a catch 22. At first I found something to live for, saying “I need to finish the warrior cats series before I die.” but that turned into a “why am I doing this if I’m just going to die anyway??” But through the whole process I was dreading the upcoming meeting. I was not ready. I knew I didn’t have the answers anybody wanted, yet I felt unable to retell the truth. Especially if they would just mess up the story again and attack the wrong person for the wrong thing. So I remember planning it out to be 1 of the most surefire plans (that wouldn’t have worked that well anyway), thinking “I’m taking the secrets to my grave” also, side note 2 black Cadillacs by carrie Underwood was a hit song that summer. I even had a basket of laundry picked out of options for my family to choose from for me to be buried in.
So after they left, I was like “this is my last chance. If I don’t do this now I never will.” I don’t remember if my dad came home for lunch or not, but I remember waiting to see if he would. After a certain time or after he left from lunch, I grabbed everything I needed. String, gum, pain pills, a drink. I started walking to the end of the neighborhood to the spot I had picked out. I started unraveling the string spool at the house and every few yards I would unsuccessfully try using gum to stick the string to the ground. I made it to the spot I wanted and then realized I can’t climb trees . I also started regretting picking the spot think that I couldn’t do it publicly because “what if a kid was just walking around and ended up seeing me?” Yeah I couldn’t bear that.
So I sat down and started taking the pain meds. In my mind I was like “I don’t want to do all this” so most of the pills were just shaken out on the ground in front of me.
I walked back home. I remember I was in the bathroom regretting my decision. I tried unsuccessfully to puke. I wasn’t even sure if that’s something you are supposed to do or not, but I knew for sure I didn’t have the money for poison control to come to my house, as I was a teenager who never had a job before.
After a few minutes I curled up on the floor bawling. I was begging and pleading God to save me. “I’m sorry!” “Don’t let me die” “God please save me” “if you save me, if I survive this, if I make it out of this alive, I will never attempt suicide again.”
After some time on the bathroom floor I dried my tears and went on with my day hoping it would just go through my system and I would be fine. I started folding the massive pile of laundry that we had piled on 1 of the beds in the house. I got a few things folded before I got tired and had to curl up “for a nap”. I honestly thought I could rest it off.
I feel like I must restate this: if you are feeling suicidal please don’t go through with it. It is not worth it. Please contact a professional help line who is trained to walk with you through the situation and help you make it to the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was almost instantly out like a light. I fell into a pitch black, Overwhelming peace. A peace I have never felt before. Something that even the most peaceful/connected person probably has not felt…I don’t even think drugs would create this feeling. And after I awoke it messed me up for years. The peace was so amazing, that after I awoke I wanted it back so badly I tried chasing after it in many ways that I was protected from. But never suicide.
I remember the ER people who were trying to save me. They fought me while I was still in some state of unconsciousness, to save my life. Because I didn’t understand it in my unconscious state, I fought them. I fought like I was fighting for my life, when actually they were the 1s really doing that. All I felt was needles on my legs and my arms **and I had to fight. ** that fight exhausted me and I was back to a deep unconsciousness afterwards but I’m not sure if it was as deep as the first one.
Finally I woke up with my parents acting all perfect like they actually cared cough cough only because they were being investigated from the legal family drama I just tried escaping which is when all the questions came out. I asked how I was found, dad told me my puppy saved my life. He told me he came home from work and she would not leave him alone. She raced back and forth between him and the door I had locked myself behind, until he finally found out what she was showing him. I was asked by everyone why and how I did it. I told them my story, but I also told them honestly I didn’t know everything I took or how much. Despite how many criminal shows I had watched and knowing how insurance works, I still felt like I HAD to be honest and tell them it was suicide. then details about the fight of my life were released. I had glue monitors stuck all over me. They tried sticking a needle into my hand and it didn’t take, so it went in my arm. I had tubes coming out of everywhere. And I was restrained to the bed. **I found out I could fight off 5 grown muscular MEN in my sleep **
The main guy who watched over me held a conversation. It was hard with a tube down my throat but I think maybe that was why, he was definitely trying to keep me distracted. I kept having to blow my nose and he would try to, but I would also stress out about not being able to move my hands. What was even more stressful about being restrained is I talked with my hands, with restraints it’s not possible.
Eventually he made a deal: if I don’t try removing the painful annoying tube in my nose and throat he would take off my restraints. It was easy to agree to. We continued the conversations with me able to talk with my hands. I would also blow my own nose. During the conversation he kept telling me not to touch the tube because it was so painful and I would keep messing with it. I never pulled it though. For the last few minutes of the tube before they pulled it he started warning me that if I couldn’t stop messing with it he would have to restrain me again.
They finally got everything figured out and settled. They prepped me for transport for the local kids hospital…by yanking out all the tubes. They were so gross. If this ever happens to you: don’t look, you don’t need to see that!
I get to the other hospital where I stay the night. They did not allow me to sleep. They drew blood for testing. Ew. That feeling makes my skin crawl remembering it. At some point before I was released they removed the needles from my arms. 1 of them was bleeding but the lady just put a bandaid on it and tried doing the rest of her job. Finally she realizes it “oh, that’s not going to work, that needs to be fixed and changed.”