Call this attention seeking, call it selfish, call it what you want. I’m so tired of hiding behind a mask. I’ve been on the verge of overdosing for the past few weeks as I’ve spoken about before… I think today is the day that my suicidal thoughts become more than thoughts. I’m done with this hurt. All I’m good for in this life is receiving abuse from the people I’m supposed to call my family and the people I work with. I wish I’d never started my recovery, I wish I kept my addiction to myself I wish I didn’t exist. I can’t do anything right, I can’t eat or take my medication without having someone tell me I have to do so… those are 2 things I need in order to function on a daily basis and I cannot make the conscious choice to get it done. I can’t help people the way I used to be able too. They reach out to me and I do everything I can, within minutes I’m exhausted but fighting through to help the next person. The best things I ever did was find this community and I’ve made some amazing friends, all I’ve ever wanted to do is help other people, I still do - but over the last few weeks I’ve been nothing other than a drain on all of you. Some of you know most of my story - most of you don’t and I wish I had the chance to tell you all, and prove to those of you that don’t, that I’m just a pile of crap, but I wouldn’t know how. I thought things were starting to get better, but since I relapsed in my self harm, the urges have been getting worse. Everytime I close my eyes I can see what I can only describe as a “movie”. It’s like I’m watching myself harm and seeing the relief it would give me. Everytime I get even a minor amount of pain in my back the first thing my mind jumps to is the fact I could use the need to relieve pain as an excuse to take drugs and get high. My best friend has been asking me for a while to die with her. I guess she’s finally going to get the answer she wants. I love you all so much - I really don’t want to die, but Im unable to feel any type of love and support, and I can’t do any of the things I’m supposed to be able to do. I need a reason to keep living but even my parents have told me I’d be better off dead… so there it is. If any of you read this, thank you and sorry if it makes no sense, I was never good at being vulnerable.
Hold fast, you’re worth it.
Not selfish. Not attention seeking. None of the bad.
Kayla I’m proud of you for posting- truly.
Kayla I love you so so much. Please stay. I’m going to reply again later more in-depth. Keep holding on.
I love you.
Please don’t. Please don’t do anything that you can’ t undo. I don’t want to pretend that I understand what you’re going through but please know that doing something to hurt yourself is not the solution. I’ve been in dark places that have felt so hopeless and I am so glad that I didn’t give up. You never know when things are going to get better. And if you hold on, things will, as hard as that is to believe. You are so loved and valued - I hope and pray you will see that.
You mentioned that you don’t want to die - shouldn’t that tell you something? You want the hurting to go away, not to die. If you hold fast, then life will get better, as impossible as that may seem now. You’re not a pile of crap, you’re a human being who needs help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope you realize how loved you are and how much the world needs you here. I’m glad you’re here. You’re irreplaceable and beloved as you are. Please hold on. You are so loved.
1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Prevention Lifeline)
www.na.org (Narcotics Anonymous)
Hold fast Kayla.
You belong here. You’re loved and valued here. None of us want to lose you. You’re stronger than these thoughts and feelings. You can make it through this. We love you and we want you to stay. Call us selfish; we don’t want to lose you. You’ve made it through before and you can make it again. Can all of us be your reason to stay? You’re not a drain on this community. We are so happy to be here for you and have you be a part of this. You can get through this. Please hold on a little longer.
We havent really met before nor do I know your story but I can tell you this much, no one deserves this pain. The sorrow youre in right now doesnt last forever, not if you want to make things better for yourself. I know exactly what that pain is like and some days I just want it over and to end the suffering…but how do we know it stops there? No one knows whats past beyond our lifetime, but this is a fact, once you make the decision, you cant go back on it. People love you here at HeartSupport Kayla. No one wants to see you go. Things can be changed still for the better, you can make the choice to better your life and that is a huge step. My recommendation, take the day off, take it easy just for the day to meditate and take care of yourself. You dont need to do anything so please dont stress yourself out any further. You have me, Lyss, and many others here at HeartSupport who care and are here for you. You can do this, I know you can. Hold fast, we’re here for you.
I haven’t been long in this community, but I can see that you are such a big piece inside of this community, you are always a great help in the stream. People look up to you, you know. You always seem so cheerfull when you play overwatch with all of us on stream. try to hold tight on that feeling, I know you can. Things can get better for you and we will work towards that with the whole community, we are here for you, maybe not in person but you can always message me or everyone else here.
And if it helps, im always down to play some overwatch if you want to
Stay strong Kayla, we love you.
I love you, and you have been so strong. We need you here, please stay. We posted your story on the HeartSupport Instagram story, and people have been sending even more words of encouragement. Please read them and believe how loved you are.
Please please don’t do that. You are worth everything and more! We all love you so much!
Look I know this sucks, it’s such a shit horrible position and you feel as if nothing could bring this pain to end.
Please don’t do it. Find some reason to live any reason to, I know you’ve heard this before but I’ll say it again suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I know today is dark and horrible and that pain you feel is eating you up, but why survive this long and let go Now?
You have helped more people on here than I could possibly imagine and have been here for them anytime. You are an amazing person inside and out and you are loved, so so loved.
Please don’t do this friend.
Please hold fast,
I know we don’t know each other but I want to say I believe in you. I believe that you can overcome this. I read your post and saw that you’re a kind and compassionate person and that is difficult to find a person like that nowadays. I know there is someone out there that thinks world of you whether it is here or in person.
I want you to know that today you made a difference in my life today. You showed me what it looks like to be brave and lay it all out there. Don’t let this ugly world destroy the beautiful person you really are.
I hope you see the love and support from all of us. Please know that you are important to all of us.
Kayla I would like to share a music video that has really brought hope during low moments. I hope you enjoy it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPNTC7uZYrI&frags=pl%2Cwn
Kayla, i am so sorry your feeling this way. i may not know your full story but i care about you ,we care about you. just know we love you no matter what.
as i have said before for me you are a lighthouse in the storm for me. that being said we can only live for ourselves. we cant make you see the worth in you we see. but you said you wanna help people but you are helping people just being you. by being in the hs streams and answering messages from people like me you have helpped me. i understand how hard it is to see because for you its just another day but you mean so much to so many people. reading this brought me to tears because i understand how you feel and i consider you a friend. if we try and live how others want us to we will never be good enough we have to be the best we can be for ourselves first. these may just be words but they come from the heart and i love you friend. keep fighting
Kayla, I’m glad I met you, and tough we haven’t talked much, I find the strength you have getting this far inspiring. I can’t personally relate to most of the things you go through, but I’d love you to be around as we look for a better way out. Don’t belittle yourself, you’re an inspiration.
Hold fast, YOU’re worth it too.
We love you kayla!!! always and forever
@Kayla when we get lost in our dark we just CANT see our worth and our value. My mind does the same. It omits details that challenge the crap junk thoughts so that all we see is the lack of our impact. So I’m going to tell you what I try to remind myself of , despite what seems like “evidence “ as to why you don’t matter theres a part of your mind that is missing a ton of examples how how awesome you are. It’s not your fault. You wouldn’t punish or criticize any of us for having our down moments. You deserve the same love. Whether you are ready to believe it or not. Heck, you were one of the first to help my wife when she was in a very bad place. And for that you get my praise like it or not. Yeah i get the feeling of wanting to be more, of being disappointed with what you can’t do. Hell I do the same. One of the things I’m still working on in therapy. But we don’t demand those things from you to value you. There’s a book I’m reading called Radical Acceptance. It’s a little trippy but the message is strong. Maybe look into it. You might not care for it but who knows maybe it’ll be even a tiny bit helpful. You are loved. Listen to the voice that still wants to see what is to come.
Kayla1508 i dont really know you but what everyone is saying is right. You are worth soooo much more than what you think. I lost a friend to suicide this year and its tough. It had such a huge impact on not only me and our friends but everyone around us. We love you and you ARE WORTH so much more than what you think. Life is too precious. Please just Holdfast…
I’ve never really been great at always knowing just what to say, but I do know there’s a community of people just here who love and adore you. I can personally say you’ve put a smile on my face, which is something I’ve needed a lot lately, and I applaud you for that. I applaud you for wanting to help people. I have a very similar personality and at one point last year someone whom I worked with sat me down whilst something crappy was going on, and he said “listen, I watch a lot, and I know your personality, and sometimes you’ve gotta stop trying to help everyone else and help yourself a little.” I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to 100% help and give 0% of my problems on my plate. I wanna take everyone else’s burdens without asking for help on my own. It’s a tough spot to be in, and it’s even tougher when you have people criticizing you a long the way. I believe in you friend. If you need anything at all, please try to get a hold of me. I know I’m not around a lot right now but you’re important.
I honestly believe your post is a desperate cry for help. Please accept any help offered to you, particularly counselling and therapy (you can always change therapist if you’re not comfortable with them). I am sorry life is so, so tough for you right now. Try to remember we amplify our problems in our own heads and some of them aren’t quite as bad or hopeless as we think they are (we all do this, btw) x