Tolerating suicide

[MrMe]

My life as of right now, is falling apart, I have been taking less care of myself and my relationships with others, I avoid exercise and I stopped hanging out with my friends and relatives, I stopped doing anything that i enjoyed doing or that has return benefit on me.

the reason for this is that i like being miserable, not in the sense that i draw pleasure for being unhappy, but because i find pain consistent and familiar as well as being easy to achieve, the feeling of sabotaging my success is addictive, for it helps me avoid the hassle of maintaining my habits, i know how it feels to lead a healthy life, i’ve done that for awhile but still it was non-rewarding, that is mixed with the feeling of being inefficient at turning work into progress, and it hurts me to see myself working real hard just to get where everyone else is.

when i stop caring about myself i don’t feel too bad when i find that everything is terrible, because i feel deserving, i actually feel i got what my work was supposed to get me.

lately in the last few months, my state has gotten worse, not that i cared about myself at all, i just had the thought that i am a burden over my family, one day i would have to move out because they will no longer be able to support me, and looking at my habits, i won’t be going anywhere far.

I know that i need to clean myself up if im going anywhere, but i still despise the feeling of bettering myself. i see the solution to be in suicide.

looking at it one way it makes sense, i won’t have to ever try force myself into a life i don’t like, and nobody would feel the need to help me. that is as simple as it gets and based on this reasoning i attempted to kill myself 4 times as of right now, the main way i tried was sodium poisoning and i got very close one a couple of those attempts, i only failed because of my body’s reaction to it (puking).

but at the other hand, my family and friends might not take it very well, i feel different ways in this situation, because i don’t want to do them bad, but i somewhat selfishly blame my parents for my conception, and my raising in a religious household, religion also threatens suicide with an eternity in a pit of fire but that’s not really of my concerns.

what i’m worried about is there might be reasoning behind wanting to live that ive never considered,
that’s the reason i wrote this, so that someone might provide me with newer insight into this issue i have.

If you read until this point thank you, and i hope you have any opinion on the matter.

[Sita]

Reasons to live:
-To experience the pure love and joy of an animal as it flops down next to you shows you its belly and cuddles you is an amazing moment… and it’s a moment that could be almost daily, surely weekly.

-To stand in a spot, maybe a well-travelled spot, or a secret barely-explored spot, and look out at a waterfall, or a field, or a beach, or a bunch of wild animals or flowers, or even trees and grass, maybe dramatically lit by sunshine and fog, is breathtaking and magical.

-To be with a friend or loved one and celebrate nothing but just the moment of being there together in that space, at that time, to maybe laugh until your face hurts or your tummy aches, is wonderful.

-To be 3 or 4 books or 1-2 seasons into an amazing series of film/movies/books, and to have your mind’s eye light up with the creativity and talent it took to produce this, and to feel inspired to create.

-To wake up one day, and not have any backpain or hip pain, to hear birds chirp, and smell sweet crisp fresh air perfumed by flowers, to see darting creatures drinking nectar, to feel sunshine or see a gentle morning drizzle.

• to see a perfect double rainbow, and marvel at what light and moisture can do

There are so many tiny yet massive moments hidden within each day that could make a memory to last a lifetime. If we’re lucky, we can find the peace and awareness to see them. Life is hard, so hard at times, it’s so hard when it’s your mind you’re fighting. The same mind that can see and process so much beauty and joy can sometimes go wonky and only focus on the negative, on worries, on anxiety, on catastrophic what ifs.

We love and value and appreciate everyone who’s here on this wall. Life is worthy, you are worthy. Those moments I listed above are all moments I have had over the years, tiny tiny moments, sometimes decades apart, that shall remain unblemished by any negatives because of their sheer simplicity and beauty. Those are the things worth living for and fighting for, to me.

[ofmiceandben]

Hey there @MrMe, I’m so glad you decided to reach out on this wall and I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way.

@MrMe

the reason for this is that i like being miserable, not in the sense that i draw pleasure for being unhappy, but because i find pain consistent and familiar as well as being easy to achieve, the feeling of sabotaging my success is addictive,

I can definitely relate to where you’re coming from when saying this because I’ve felt that way before too. Being unhappy and feeling the burden of pain feels comfortable and familiar. Sometimes it’s easier to stay the way you are and getting to the place you want to be feels impossible. It might feel impossible to get better, but it’s not. Sometimes it can be difficult to get out of such a dark place but it’s always possible. Nothing ever has to stay the same if you don’t want it to. Realizing how you’re feeling and why something feels good to you is an important first step to feeling better and getting out of it.

@MrMe

i see the solution to be in suicide.

Suicide is never a solution, it’s just a permanent fix to a temporary problem. There’s so much more to life than the pain and darkness you’re experiencing right now. This moment in time that you’re going through won’t last forever and it will get better. Committing suicide just erases the chance of things ever getting better and eliminates the chance of every experiencing the beautiful moments that life can create. I know how hard it can be to realize that things could ever get better because I’ve been in that place before and trust me, I can tell you that it gets better because I’ve experienced it first-hand. One thing I do whenever I find myself in a dark place is focus on the small moments of my day that are positive. It could be the smallest, simplest thing but that tiny amount of positivity you can find just might make your day a little bit better, even if it doesn’t seem like it. People love you and care about you and they want to see you come through this because they know that you can. Finding light in the darkest of places can change everything.

Something I’d reccommend doing is finding a therapist to talk about everything you’re feeling with. A therapist can help you understand why you’re feeling the way you are and can help you find ways to cope with it and grow past it. Growing and changing is never easy but it’s always worth it. Understanding where you’re starting is super important to finding where you want to be. There’s hope out there and there’s people out there who want to help you.

I really hope that you find some light through this darkness and understand that this pain is only temporary. Always feel free to make another post on here if you ever need something. You’re loved, valued, and your life matters. You mean the absolute world to me, friend. Hold fast.

[Ashwell]

Hi MrMe
Thank you for posting. I must admit that there is solid reasoning in your argument. That is why suicidal and depressive thinking is so strong because some of it is very true. The pain of living. The struggle. The unfairness. The absurdity of it all. But that is only one way of looking at things. There are good things in life. Some of which just might make this whole thing worth it. I dont say the do I say they might.

What i want to recomend to you is to talk to your doctor and try antidepressants. You mentioned that you have to work twice as much to achive the same thing as other people. That is the feeling you get when you are depressed. Everything is too much effort for too little. Everything is a pain and the things you used to enjoy no longer do it for you. That is why I want you to try them. It might really help you enjoy life again.

The thing about dying is that it will come no matter what and the thing about killing oneself is that you can do it when ever you feel like it so why not wait and try out some things. If they do work your life will improve and you will be happy again. It is worth a shot.

I hope this had helped you.
Take care.

[Alie]

I feel that same way too. Im glad im not the only one. Im here if you ever need to talk