The last time I made a post here was right after I was on the edge of the bridge.
But tonight is a bit different, I’ve drank myself to sleep the last several nights. Does that mean I’m becoming an alcoholic… maybe. I drink to not feel. It’s numbing.
But as I look back on the night of the bridge a sense of calmness is brought over me. Just like the one I had when I stood on that bridge.
That tonight will be the night. The night that the pain will end forever.
But here’s the thing. I don’t want people to tell me no don’t do it.
I don’t want people to say it gets better.
I want people to see I’m finally for once in my life going to do what’s best for me.
Okay, I won’t say don’t do it. I’ll ask where you might be in six months if you don’t.
Alcohol is a depressant. It numbs, but also depresses. Using alcohol to deal with depression is like using gasoline to put a fire out.
It doesn’t just get better. You have to make it better.
Is it the solution you’d recommend to a friend who’s in a similar state of mind?
I don’t like people telling me what to do either.
I began contemplating suicide at ten years old. I’ve been a heartbeat away from doing it a few times.
The last time I was about to do it, the thought occurred to me that if I was ready to give up everything, I was quite free to step away from the life that made me miserable. I ended up feeling more confident and assertive, because I thought, “what’ve I got to lose?”
When you’re willing to let go of everything, including depressing preconceived notions about life, it’s like starting a new life. A lot of successful people have gone through something similar to what you’re experiencing now. For some of us, it’s a rite of passage.
If you can do it today, you can give it a few more hours of thought, and decide on you next move.
you how they say after a few drinks, how you put on your beer goggles and everything looks a bit more attractive? Knowing that, it seems like making a decision after you’ve hit the bottle really hard sort of means that it’s not really you making the decision to end it. Part of that is the alcohol.
IF you’re done with life, have you done all the crazy wonderful things you’ve seen on tv and on youtube?
for me, I want to camp in a super tricked out camper van in the rain on a mountainside with a waterfall (saw that recently and it was sooo gorgeous!) or if i’m feeling extra adventurous in my head, walk on one of the glass floors in those super high buildings.
When we hurt, all we remember is hurt. We forget that other things exist in the world. It’s the goggles we wear. Even happy memories hurt, even trusted people’s memories hurt to think about. But the truth of this world is that nothing lasts forever. We are so quick to believe that for the good stuff, but not for the bad stuff.
Stay with us, hold fast.
Talk to someone, reach out like you’re reaching out here. I’m glad you’re here with us, friend. You matter, just as you are.
We’re here and we are willing to listen, to support you during this difficult time, without any judgment or toxic positivity. I have been where you are and understand how painful it can be to hear that this is not everything that life is meant to be. That night you survived. Today you are here, you have breath in your lungs, and we can try all together to make the best out of it.
What is bringing you to those thoughts and feelings? What has changed or affect you in your life since your last post? I’d like to hear about your story, about you.
