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Tonight will probably be the night

Hello
I have no idea how this works I’ve never done this but just need too feel like I am at least speaking to someone ???
I’m very close to ending my life tonight and I’m scared
Everything has just fell apart for me over the past 2 months
I’ve struggled with depression and everything that comes with since I found my brother hanging and dead a few years ago
I’ve ruined everyone that loves me life’s over and over and now they all hate me because they have tried to help me time and time again
And the worst thing is my wife has give me chance after chance and I just can’t change it and today it has finally sunk in that I’m just a poisonous person like everybody been saying for years
I’ve felt and seen the hurt that suicide causes but I cannot see any future for me know
I’m 36 years old and I’ve wasted my life with depression and drinking and hurting the people around me
I don’t even know why I’m here writing this I really don’t ??? I just wanted to feel like I’ve told someone before I go you know ???
I’m actually all set to go just trying to get ready for it because I know once I start that’s it it’s over and I’m overthinking it
I did it once before and the wire snapped just in time and I was poorly for a while after that and I don’t want that to happen again ??

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I see you saying you don’t know why you’re writing this, but you do know why. You’re reaching out for someone to tell you why you shouldn’t. Because you know, and you feel, that suicide is not the only action to take. That is a sign of hope.

This is not a life wasted. This is a life that must have experienced a lot of pain to have that substance abuse issue and a lifetime of depression, and I am so sorry you too have led a life like that. I empathize intimately. But that pain is a symptom, not the disease. You say you’re married. So you’re not alone, and you do have a support system. It is not weak to ask for help, but you truly need to want to be better. Have you tried therapy to perhaps work out the source of your pain?

I am writing this to you because, at the recommendation of a friend, I made a profile here to help people like you. Today, just this afternoon, I found out a friend I grew up took his life. I am going to carry that loss with me for the rest of my life. I have been where you are. On the edge and back. I never jumped off the edge because of this very same pain I am feeling now. You don’t want to inflict this on other people.

Tonight will probably the night, the night you talk with your wife and make the decision to find out why you hurt so and begin to heal. I used substances for most of my life to mend the wounds at the surface, but I was never treating what was really hurting me. I went to therapy. I started helping my friends in their lives. You can turn this around, it is not too late. You are seen and heard.

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I’ve tried everything therapy I’ve been sectioned under mental health and had the help of a lot of people and just can’t find it ??
I don’t know what I’d wrong with me I just cannot find peace all I do is hurt people time and time again and I want to change more than anything else in the world but now everyone is telling me I can’t so I have just given into it
I don’t know how to be a better person no matter how hard I try I fuck it up

Hey @Leemac, I’m so glad you chose to come here :heart:

From my heart to yours, please friend, don’t do it. Your life isn’t over, you can still save yourself. I promise we can start to make things better one step at a time, but the first step has to be choosing to stay here and keep fighting.
You said on your profile that you want to claim your life back, and you can still do it. It will be hard, but it will be so worth it and the world will be so much better off for it

I’m here to talk more if you need Lee, my heart goes out to you

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Hey @Leemac,

Hold fast, friend, stay here as much as you need too. Tonight, keep the numbers of crisis hotlines next to you. Try to be with someone or to reach someone who makes you feel safe. Keep away from you anything that might hurt you. I deeply understand that you’re in pain right now, and I can’t imagine a tenth of what you’re going through, but we can still talk about it and try to find other solutions together.

I don’t want you to die. I want you to be here tomorrow and tell us how you’re going.

We care about you.

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Why would you need people to listen to and comfort you, unless deep-down you wanted to stay and be loved and cared for?

@Leemac, if you read this, please keep up us to speed on what’s going on for you. Much Love. :heart:

Hey people x
I’m still here just trying too pull myself out of this hole that I find myself in right now
I’m feeling better than I was but the sadness is still there but I’m finally fighting it instead of just giving in and I’m sort of seeing a way out
But I may wake up tomorrow and be back to square one but I AM going to fight it this time
I’ve not had a drink of alcohol for a few days now and that’s really helping
Thank you all x

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Hey @Leemac, thank you so much for the reply. :heart: I’m so glad you’re doing ok. And what you just wrote is really inspiring.

You are strong, friend. We believe in you. And you can come here anytime you want. Much, much Love. :heart:

I truly hope last night or tonight will be the night… the night you decide to carry on towards a new and brighter chapter in your life, rather than taking the easy option *(which isn’t easy at all anyway!)

I’m right there with you. We should drink together.

So glad to hear you’re doing okay friend :heart: That’s just it! The more you fight, the stronger you become. Keep on keeping on, and if you need some help know that we’re here :slight_smile:

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Im so glad to read you are doing better. Dont ever give up! There are people who will not give up on you. We all mess up and do things we hate, even without understanding why we do them Every day is a new day that God has given us. That means every day is a brand new beginning where you can start over. You have value and you matter! I will be praying for your wellbeing, friend. You can do this. If you fall down, we’re here to pick you up.

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