i skip all of my school at this point ive covered my ankles in stick n pokes because i didnt wanna self harm but needed something, ive lost pretty much everyone who cared about me and the few who do i wanna isolate myself from because i feel like im goijg to end my life at some point and i dont wamna hurtt them. im such an awful friend and a massive cunt. I wish i never existed. my dysphoria and anxiety are awful, my depression is at the severest point possible and everything puts more on me ahd makes me hurt and be guilty more ajd more. i dont show up ti anything and i cant talk to people like therapists. ive cut myself off from most people and barely talk at all anymore. i dont know what to do ans self harm and shit isnt enough anymore. i think im gonna do something stupid st some fucking poitn and im scared of like how much worser ill get
Hey, I like Bright Eyes too
I see you, friend, and I like what I see. I know you might not, but it’s worth saying that from this side of the street, you’re okay, and you’re going to be okay.
I hear that you’ve got some serious weight on your shoulders. A stack that it feels like honestly just waking up adds more to pile. Like seeing other people or being see by other people – and at this point, even being alone…life, breath, it all just feels like it takes so much effort, and you don’t know at what point it’s going to break you, but you sense it’s coming because you are having a hard time staying vertical. It feels like your life is characterized by this constant blend of numbness and fear – somehow they both coexist, because you’re so used to the fear and constancy of your anxiety that it feels like the same flavor as numbness now because it’s all you feel. And you’ve noticed this pattern of being a burden, of causing pain to others, and that’s the worst possible thing you could imagine to see others hurt by you, reject you, disappointed in you, not want you…man, it’s like everywhere you look you’re walled in, and the walls are getting closer, and you’ve got no idea how to escape this suffocating season.
But let’s pause. Phew, just writing that man, so intense. I remember that same season in my life…feeling completely worthless, just using my coping all day long to escape the constancy of numbness and worthlessness and inadequacy I felt…I felt like a walking failure – everything I did was a failure. I hated going to school where I’d be compared and judged and ultimately deemed unworthy. I hated going to sports for the same reason, except people were depending on me to come through and I feel like I never did. I hated coming home because I didn’t want anyone to ask me about my day because it was just as awful as every other day. All I wanted to do was plug into my computer and plug the world out and never resurface. I remember so many nights I asked myself, “What’s the point? Why do I keep on living?” It felt like no one cared, like my life didn’t matter, and if I just disappeared, no one would notice.
A decade later, I can now see that everything I experienced made sense. Somewhere along the line growing up, I came to this conclusion and absorbed this belief that I am always going to fail. I felt like I disappointed my dad and I could never make him proud, so I just took on this identity: I AM A FAILURE. And because I believed that about myself, I saw it everywhere. And after years and years and years of self-deprecation, comparison, self-judgment, self-hatred, I finally got to this point where I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. Every day was another opportunity to prove how insufficient I was, and it felt like death every time, because all I wanted was to be accepted and loved, and I felt like I would never, ever be deserving enough to get it.
But what I didn’t realize at the time is that my dad really was proud of me and really did accept me and really did love me. What I didn’t realize is all the things I was comparing myself to others about didn’t really matter and had no stake in my worthiness. What I didn’t realize is that because I am who I am, because I am completely unique, because there’s no one like me in the entire world or ever will be, I have a unique purpose, a unique value, I am worthy because I am alive. I am loved. I was created to be loved. I was created out of love and into love and have been surrounded by love…I just couldn’t see it at the time.
And so I want to offer my story as a piece of hope:
- you’re not alone. I’ve been there too. It’s a deep pit I wish no one ever had to exist in, and I can co-miserate what it’s like, as I’ve been in a deep pit in my own life.
- you’re not crazy. What you’re experiencing has to make sense – you’re not an idiot, you’re not a monster. You’ve been wounded along the way, and now you see life in a particular way that makes all of this pain make sense.
- you’re not doomed. The bright side – the TRUTH – is not actually all of the things you’re feeling about yourself. I know that’s got to sound bizarre or – you don’t know me so how could you say that, if you did know me you’d know it’s true…but I’ve got you one better: I know ME. I know what I’VE done. I know the shit I’VE caused to others and to myself. And if all of my thoughts and beliefs about myself were lies, I know the ones you’re feeling towards yourself are too. You are not doomed to believe this forever. It’s not the truth about you. You are loved. You are worthy. You are valuable. You have a purpose. Your life matters. It has consequence. Whatever it is you’re hoping in your heart of hearts is true about you – beautiful things about yourself, wanting for a life and happiness and joy and connection and relationship and worthiness – those things are the whispers in your soul and they are the winds of truth trying to surface. It takes faith to believe them at first when you’ve been rehearsing for years and years and years something else, but it doesn’t make those any less true. In time, if you set yourself on a journey towards freedom, I know you’ll find it the case.
In the meantime, one for you, and one for me: our lives matter.
Hey friend. Thank you for posting and being so honest.
I know it feels like it’s impossible right now, and it feels like no one cares about you, but that’s a lie. You’ve found a community of people who want to help you and love you through whatever is going on right now. If you’re friends are people you think you could talk to but are backing away due to the fear of your own actions, I think that’s more reason to talk to them. I’m not sure why you can’t do therapy but if talking to someone is the issue maybe you could try something with online counselling or over the phone? The other thing I would suggest is to take a look at the free resources HeartSupport provide - ReWrite and Dwarf Planet. They focus on self harm and depression and have worksheets to do in order to understand and explore them more.
I hope even seeing someone cares had helped you to stop believing the lie that you don’t matter even a little bit.
Your feelings are a part of you yet aren’t all of you or who you are. They can’t even measure the strength that you have. Don’t isolate people from you because of your fear or feelings. Communicate.
(What helps me with the therapist thing is I know that they get paid for paying attention to me. That means that anybody that wants to get paid usually wants to do a good job. So they being annoyed by what I say or communicate has absolutely no bearing on them being able to do their job which is to help me out. (Why would they want to not help me? They won’t get paid or get fired.) I never understood how this fact makes people be unable to be honest with their therapist. Their job is to listen to you and to help you cope with being yourself not tell you who or what you are.)
Please don’t harm yourself. If you truly don’t want to hurt those that care for you then don’t harm yourself.