Too many things goes wrong and no way to stop them

[AnotherOne]

Hi guys… oh dear i have a huge story to share with you… and am the worst at writing… always a maths brain… i always said i wish i could write a book… it would save my life… but i really can’t

anyhow… deep breaths here we go

i am 31 years old… i have been suffering with depression, anxiety and stress my whole life… yeah i know dangerous combination… still even though i wanted many times to end my life but killing my own life would mend i will kill my moms and dads and change my other sisters life as well and i really didn’t want to… i prefer that they still think that i am selfish… useless piece of s$%£…

it all started when i was 5 years old… yeah that early… i went to school earlier by a year than almost everyone else exept 2 people… i was the quiet one… never bothered anyone… never talked back to anyone… too shy even to raise my hand in class… so here is what happened… my teacher slapped me cause she though i didn’t read my homework and thats why i didn’t answer back (and not because am shy as f%$£)… next day i refused to go to school i went all in crying and refusing to stay in school and while my mom was yelling at me to tell her why… i got scared that i might take another beating so i told her… she went right to the principles office and he was shocked and refused to believe that a so nice teacher slapped me… anyhow he called her and she told him that yeah she faked slapped me in the face…

the principle requested a transfer for her and i stayed at home until the teacher changed… anyhow that was the beginning of a nightmare… the replacement teacher might didn’t slap anyone but she was a real piece of work with her anger and yelling all the time… thats when the kids started hating me…
“it’s your fault” “you made her leave” “we don’t like you” yeah its like i opened a door and i was somewhere where everyone was mean… every single night i would go to bed wishing i never woke up again… guys guess what ? i broke something cause of all that wishing

in the meantime i was so happy everyday i finished school i would go home put cartoons or put the radio and sing along every artist… always been chased down to do my homework… ofc i didn’t want to do my homework! i never wanted to go back to school EVER again. Ok so when people asked me what i wanted to do when i grow up… i always said i wanna be a singer and everyone was like ohhh sing something for us… and i always did… and they said ohh you have such a nice voice… that was until i was 7 years old… (that was and the final times i was hearing something good about me) thats when i went to remove my tonsils(had too) … after that everything else as well went to hell… i heard everyone around me saying like poor girl she lost her beautiful voice she won’t be able to be a singer anyone… and some others saying oh yeah i heard that if you remove your tonsils you cannot sing anymore… imagine a small girl full of dreams listening to that… i was crushed… i stopped singing completely … not alone not in the shower… nowhere. that was untill 3rd of gymnasium

now lets go back to the first of gymnasium …
so i finally finished gradeschool and went to 1st of gymnasium school and while i escaped the “hard bullying” i couldn’t wake up by myself anymore… i could sleep like 14-15 hours if nobody woke me up … always straggling to fall asleep… always listening everyone in my family judge me… i am lazy… i don’t study and blah blah blah… monday to friday forced to wake up… screaming… hearing threats even getting a nice beat up to do it…

months went years…
time for collage … as exiting that may sounds there is a huge problem there… like i said i did broke time… my day doesn’t have 24 hours anymore… is not even steady… it moves between 16 hours and 29 hours… you can blame my subconscious for that… it broke the time hormone… and as expected i failed most classes cause i just couldn’t wake up to go to class (3 whole years)… the worst one ? sleeping 3 days STRAIGHT… more bullying from my family… can you blame them ?

so i stayed at home while “trying” to work… more yelling to wake up more fights and stuff like that…

i decided i should find out if i can sing or not… went to a teacher i knew nothing about and she made matters even worst… i started having horrible pain in my vocal cords cause she didn’t know stuff herself… i now realize i know more stuff (4 years with another teacher) than what she knew when she did study it… anyhow lets continue
and then i started smoking weed… i felt relaxed every single time i was high… no worries… until i started having problems with police and my sister actually had a hand in me being arrested
“she wanted to save me” … the consequences were i go to a nevrologist and do melatonin ( circadin) therapy for 2 months… so i did … 60 days i was fighting with all i have to don’t asleep from 3 o clock the afternoon and take it to 11 o clock… therapy finished 1 month later my hormon acted the same exact way… so he said you need to go to a psychiatrist … went there… 4 months and i didn’t liked the reactions the pills had on me… too hype in the morning too sleepy in the afternoon oversleeping again the same as before but the feelings where like i had bipolar… so i quit…
every time since then i was fighting with my mom , she never heard a word i said… she always responded with go to a psychiatrist… i was always wrong on everything… if i yelled back i was crazy… if i didn’t responded back i was narcissist…

so around that time i lost my job also… so it was winter i was stuck home no money from anywhere… more yelling again… more judgment… " you never learn" i sent you to private college and you opened up a hole and put the money in it" “you never where good for anything” “oh and always on that computer” (well that computer doesn’t judge me… doesn’t try to hurt me any chance it got… i can forget my problems with it… i can escape reality… why would i have wanted to escape if you were more supportive ? “excuses you always blame others for your mistakes” i never blamed anyone i just said why i do what i do… i only asked instead for once saying something negative can you please say and something positive … i only hear how worthless i am… "why are you 5 and you need me to say good job little girl ? "… if i cannot try to make them understand me is on me… if i try they tell me to grow up… around that time i went online and researched everything… and i found cases that circadin (prescription melatonin pills ) worked the exact way as me… he wrote his story and i felt like i wrote it , the doctor than monitored him said he has circadian deficiency… so i went to a lab center and requested a blood analysys for melatonin… the results were so abnormal 0.03 instead of 3-5… so i called that nevrology doctor and he said you need to have a sleep study but is expensive and if they sent you through public hospital ( which is free) there is a queue for 12 years :o i couldn’t ask for more money from my parents… if the study failed they would haunt me even more…

so in the summer so i could go to work i went to my personal doctor and asked for more subscriptions for circadin… didn’t have really a choice… came up with my own prescription too… 1 pill every 3 days… would made it a bit better but still not normal… and still i was suffering… and still my mom was still haunting me with all the negatives… i had a horror summer … working in 42 degrees serving 9 hours around the pool and going home in pieces… my day off i spend it sleeping 20 hours… and still listen to all the things i didn’t do and keep reminded about how much i failed in my life… ( i took 4 sick days a month cause i was too drowsy physically and mentally to go to work)

so that year my sisters daughter told me she started singing lessons… and he is good and if i wanted to ask him if he has time for me… ofc i said yes! YES hell yeah! ( he told me last week that when i first went to him i was scared to even open my mouth and now i have transformed so fast like i took 10 years lessons and it was only 3… he’s exact words… i wonder why… maybe i was scared that he might bully me as well)

anyhow what i know is i have so many snakes in my life leaking poison to remind me of every little thing i did wrong intentionally and unintentionally… my mom knows i have a problem with my hormone and she still loves to bully me… taking circadin took me to my limits last year i almost went crazy from depression cause i couldn’t stay awake!!! so i decided i will try to be a streamer … since day 1 i found obstacles… her refusing to change my upload speed to refusing to understand how it works even though i showed to her and explained her 1 billion times it takes time… you cannot be 0 and 1000000000000 from day 1… and everytime i was streaming she would come in and make a fuss that i make noise or that i am talking to my self and stuff like that… like really ? do you want me to fail so badly ? what is it with me and why i cannot be in peace for once… why everyone have to make trouble to me from nothing… hey i had a fight with your dad today… he said that to me and because i didn’t want to fight more with him i came to remove all my poison on you…

i keep feeling even now that someone is making fun of me and whenever i want to stand up they are pulling the chains that have around my throat and forcing me down again… blocking every good thing i am trying to do … am tired i am sooooooooooo tired! and i really don’t want to fight to stay awake anymore… i want to be able to do it without such trouble… or i need a job that has flexible schedule… i am tired…

[Micro]

Hey @AnotherOne,

Welcome! Glad to see you here and to learn about your personal story.

Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds that you were a bit stressed to do it, but I’m glad you managed to posted all of this. Btw, may I ask you why you said you can’t write a book? I mean, what reasons you put behind this, if you’re okay to explain a little bit. If not, it’s okay.

Shyness and anxiety are so misunderstood and seen as a lack of interest for what’s going on. During my entire school years, I too was the “quiet one” who never raise their hand, never get involved in group activities, never bother anyone. As far as I remember, all of my school reports are filled with commentaries like : “no oral participation”, “doesn’t seem to be interested by the lessons” (…). I was even called the “invisible student” by a maths teacher who doesn’t seem to really like me.

What this teacher did, slapping you in the face, was wrong. And it was obviously not your fault if the replacement teacher had such an awful behavior. As years passed, I guess you’re already aware of that. But kids can be so cruel, and what happens during our schooling impacts us as we grow up. I don’t know where you are in your life right now, but I hope that you manage to heal these wounds, friend. You didn’t deserve to be bullied. No one does. And I hope that you know that whatever was done or said to you, it never meant something regarding your own worth. What happened at school was wrong. You have worth and you matter. It was true in the past, it is true now and it will always be.

I’m sorry to hear about your sleep problem. As much as I’m sorry that your mom has been used to make you feel bad about it… We expect from our parents to be supportive, especially when we’re struggling. Do you think there would be a possibility for you to explain to her that you really don’t need to hear her criticism all the time?

Regarding your health, did you receive a real diagnosis for your current difficulties? I’m sorry if I missed that or I misunderstood what you said. But it sounds that melatonin doesn’t suits you at all and you’re navigating in a certain level of uncertainty. Maybe there could be a specialist to see/ different tests to run besides the idea of a sleep study? I know it can be a real battle sometimes to navigate between specialists and to try to find what’s going on… I really hope that there is a possibility for you to identify what’s going on though, as it sounds to be quite disabling in your daily life.

I hear your exhaustion friend. You are not alone. Hang in there.

[AnotherOne]

Hey Micro thanks for the answer
it feels good to not being alone in certain situations…
Well as far as the book goes… it requires so many details… you cannot just write 2 pages and call it a book… and i always flanked greek or english in writing cause i am not good at all in explaining or describing something…
As far as the sleep study well is the only way to figure out what is wrong with the sleep and why the hormone is not working properly or if something entirely different is causing it… you cannot really have a treatment if a proper diagnosis doesn’t occur and in my case is the only way to diagnose it… i already asked a specialist about it and he said i have to actually go off pills for 6 months let my organism run its course like it does without medications so the results are truthful and not caused by medications… scientists even though they made huge breakthroughs in many courses… sleep is one of the hardest with less resources and ways to do it causing it to be left a bit behind…

anyhow now my mom it is a different story… i will give you an example… she put a dose in washing machine and when the machine finished she started cooking… i just woke up and i went downstairs to make coffee… i saw the cloths and i said where shall i put them ? front of the house of back ? she said front but don’t put them yet cause they will smell food… wait for me to finish cooking… ( she just started and it was one that takes too long… and since i never made it i don’t even know how to calculate it ) i said ok i took my coffee and went to my room… after 2 hours i went downstairs to see whats going on why she never yelled like “jo i finished” and i found the cloths already hanging outside and her mad and looking at me like i just murdered someone… and she started screaming at me… i said instead of DIYS why you didn’t call me if you didn’t want to yell from the balcony or the stairs and she said you should have came and checked… and am like so you are tired to walk to the phone ( 1 meeter ) and you wanted me to keep coming downstairs and upstairs every 5 minutes to check that if you finished yet and so you are screaming? and she went on like , yeah i am not a little girl anymore like you i have pain in my knees and i said to her and i don’t ? i even passed out (was around the time i finished working at that damn pool and my knee had so much inflammatory that i literally passed out caused the bone went out and back in again) i even passed out alone and came to my senses alone… and all scared and panicked i came to you and you said " i am going to church now… " you didn’t even cared. Oh and news flash to you… i am not a little girl anymore i already had 1/3 if not 1/2 of my life span…
i don’t believe she heard a single word i said pass the point of phoning me if not yelling at me … i didn’t even had to answer… just a missed call would have done the work… but ok thats everyday life… and the only reason we didn’t had another fight till today is cause she is not speaking to me and neither me to her… oh and always but always my had has to take her side… so this time i didn’t let him… was the first time he actually listened… i told him “when you are fighting with mom i don’t take anyone’s side so stay out of it” that probably hurt his feelings as well and i felt even more bad cause of it…

“my dad is another story” he only says specific words to me all in a mad manner never laughting or smiling about ANYTHING… if i say hi with a smile he is like "oh you woke up ? angry and with irony… only when he wants some help with his phone or car mp3 player he talks to me like properly… and that is 1s a 4 months… i told him thats not fair a billion times i even told him if you are going to be so mean at me better not talk to me at all… so instead of being more normal about it he went on and didn’t speak to me for a month…

so yeah that sleep disorder and the inability to leave drowsy mode earlier than 1-2 hours after i woke up is making my life living hell all the time… i need peace i need a positive environment but i my moms eyes " you are not a kid anymore to give you psychological support ! "

my thoughts are so not organist at all that even makes the book writing evennnn harder… i can write for hours things that happened but probably the reader will get a headache even before passing page 1