I’m new to this website and I don’t really know how to use it yet so I’m sorry if I’m posting this in a weird place. I usually write in my journal but I can’t seem to leave my bed. I’m just so scared of the future and failing myself and others it’s absolutely crippling. I feel like I can’t do it - and it hurts because everyone expects me to go far. I’m an NHS Officer, commissioned artist, cross country and track team captain, and I’m number 7 out of 723 in my class. I’ve rattled off those titles too many times to count. I’m going to be applying to college soon, and financially speaking i know I’m going to have to give up on some of the dreams I’ve been working so hard for. I’ve started doing some dr*gs lately and I feel really disconnected from my family and friends. I just act so fake all the damn time and I can’t stand it. Why do I need to be liked so badly? There’s just too much pressure on me and I don’t know what to do. Sorry.
Friend. Welcome to the community!
Our future is unknown but all we can hope for is that good comes out of it.
Addictions are hard. My pastor is a recovering drug addict and he can testify that it will be hard. But through it all, if you get addicted, there is always a light in the hallway. Find that light of what it may be. Relapse is apart of recovery 100%.
Thank you for writing out. Know that you are not alone.
Hold strong.
DarianDaOtter/Darian Halliday
Hi @Sarah3232 Sarah, welcome! Rest assured, there’s only one place to post things here on the Support Wall so no need to worry about that. 
First of all, I’m sorry that you’re feeling crippled by fear of the future. I want you to know that it’s okay to be afraid of the future, we all can be at times. The future is unknown, and we fear what we don’t understand.
I would like to tell you something that I have come to realize over the past year, and as simple as it may sound, it is absolutely true: Nobody will live your life for you, but you. And here’s what I mean, you write a lot about how your fear is centered around failing, yes yourself, but also failing others, everyone expects you to go far, you believe you’re acting fake, you feel disconnected, etc.
Guess what? This is not THEIR life, this is YOUR life. And I don’t say it that way to try and talk down to you or be condescending, I’m just trying to help you understand that at the end of the day the only expectations of your life that matter are YOURS. NOBODY else has the right to expect anything from you if it doesn’t help you achieve a level of success and happiness that you want for yourself. Because you’re living your life, not theirs. And this is something I wish someone had communicated to me at a younger age, and maybe I wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes I made that I later regret. I mean, it makes sense that all this pressure and these expectations made you feel like you had to turn to drugs to try and cope. I promise you Sarah, drug use is never the answer to ease the pressure, disconnection, and feeling like a fake all the time. I personally have no experience with drug addiction, but I know there are a handful of wonderful people in this community who have overcome addictions in their lives who would tell you the exact same thing.
I know it can be hard to separate familial expectations from your own, I won’t pretend like I have all the answers for that. I can tell you that I know it is difficult, but if it means a chance at true happiness and love of your own life then I think that path is always worth considering. It’s certainly going to take being honest and upfront about your own personal expectations, with those around you but most importantly with yourself. I know that takes work, it’s hard. And I don’t think it’s something anyone can do alone, that is why community is so important. Find someone you can trust and be completely honest with, whether it’s a friend, family member, teacher, school counselor, maybe your track/cross country coach, maybe someone in your family can help you speak to a professional therapist, I don’t know your current situation but I’m just listing ideas. My point is, find someone you can trust and be open with, let them help you through this.
Normally I would apologize for such a long response, but I am very passionate about this subject as I wish someone would have communicated these messages to me when I was your age. College is not for everyone, if I could go back I would tell my parents not to push college on me so hard and for me to try and find something else that I was truly passionate about. College is great for enriching what you are already passionate about, but it is definitely not necessary especially right out of high school.
Also, please consider checking out all the free resources available to you here: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ Lots of cool stuff!
Before I end, just also wanted to relate and say that’s really cool you’re the cross country and track captain, I competed in those in college myself. So way to go to you!
Lastly, because I see this to often (and am often guilty of this myself), don’t apologize. Don’t ever apologize for being open and honest about your feelings and your struggles. It’s a privilege to be trusted in that way by someone, so thank you.
You are the painter, make your life your masterpiece.
Welcome to HeartSupport. Hold fast.
Adam,
I appreciate your kindness much more than the words I write can express. You addressed every part of my post, and that means everything to me. I don’t feel completely comfortable sharing my feelings with any of the mentors in my life, so reading your response was immensely therapeutic. I have a lot of reflecting to do on my own personal expectations now, because I sincerely want to regain ownership of my life. You’re totally right - no one else has the right to put their expectations on me at the cost of my personal happiness! I know a teacher I’ve been meaning to reach out to, and I think this is the final push for me to confide in her. I’ll look at some of the addiction forums too, as difficult as that will be for me to do. Thanks again Adam!! We runners have to stick together 
@Sarah3232
Hi Sarah, I’m glad to read that you were encouraged by our responses! I’m glad that you have a teacher you feel like you can confide in, I hope she is responsive and helpful to you.
If there is anything I had to add, it’s that yes, ultimately I want us all to take ownership of our lives and our happiness to the best of our ability. But not at the cost of one’s own health and well-being either. There is absolutely no shame in taking a path that you may not want to go down but can be of the most benefit to you, like taking a job you don’t want so you can put food on your table and a roof over your head. Look at these things as stepping stones to help you eventually get to where you want to be, while always keeping your bigger goals in mind. The struggle is what makes life beautiful in the long run, in my opinion, but some people would rather find security and stability, and that’s okay too. Ultimately, that choice is yours to make.
I hope you’re able to find the clarity that puts you on the best path for you. Keep coming back to the support wall, please keep us posted and let us know how things go.
Also, if it helps, you can check out the HeartSupport live streams on Twitch as well as the HeartSupport Discord! Great resource to reach out and meet others in the community who can relate to your story.
Hold fast!