I stepped out in faith today and let someone back into my life because she really cares. The problem is we are completely opposites. When I go to lengths to share my heart. She tends to focus on one thing after everything I said. It took a lot of courage to reach out because she unfortunately isn’t the most empathetic person and that’s what I need. To be met where I’m at. It’s hard because she uses words like she she’s me, she hears me, she won’t leave me yet tonight I feel like she is upset with me for not letting her last week. I feel like it’s about her insecurities instead of just being here for me. I’ve tried to explain that I’m not looking for advice or to be fixed. What my needs are which is really hard. I always leave feeling upset with how the conversation went. It’s hard for me not to blame myself that I’m asking for too much or trying to change who she is. I get frustrated because I keep coming back to her only to get hurt time and time again. I just feel like out of everything I said she isn’t able to validate what I’m feeling. I feel like it’s wrong of me to want her to just say she is sorry I’m struggling or that it makes since why I’m struggling. I grew up with a mom who loved me but never validated me. It was always oh your anxious don’t worry or your depressed just think positive thoughts. I know when I talk to this person she reminds me of my mom. It’s hard because when I tell her nicely that she upsets me she takes it that she failed and did something really wrong which is hard to deal with. Mad at myself for going back to her. Mad for letting my walls down. I hate conflict so much. Than I end up lying and making up excuses that I’m just pushing everyone away. I hate having these needs to be vulnerable, to want people to just meet me where I’m at. Maybe by expectations are just too high.
It isn’t wrong to want an apology from someone who has hurt you.
I think maybe she needs someone to meet her on her level the same way you need people to meet you on your level, perhaps for similar reasons. You sound like it’s two trenches with no-man’s land in between. It’s frustrating, now, but it isn’t over until one of you says it is. Have you tried mediated discussion (you two talking with a therapist as referee)? Have you written her a letter like your post? You could even print your post and put it where she will find it. There seems to be “lowering walls” and Lowering Walls and we’re in a culture where that second type, lowering walls all the way down, is shunned because… I don’t know. It does make us vulnerable. It also makes us better. Lowering walls all the way down lets everything out, not just the good stuff. Frustration and anger and why you’re angry and sadness and why you’re sad and love and patience and what you like about someone and what you do not. Writing a more detailed version of this post, written as if a person you don’t know is going to read it and with all of your walls down, and getting her to read it by putting it on her pillow or something similar might make her realize that she hasn’t been nice and would tell her what you want and what your expectations are.
Thank you for responding. I actually don’t even know this person in really life. We met online and she became a mentor to me. That makes it harder for me. Its hard for me when I don’t know how someone works or who they really are. I realized a lot of the pain was past hurts coming up. I’ve spent so much of my life shrinking myself to not rock the boat or dare to even express I’m hurt or upset. I’ve taken the blame for things that werent even mine because it’s what I’ve done for years. I have this belief that if I say anything I’m thinking bad things about that person or will hurt them. I was able to be honest with her even though it was really hard. It went well but I think I really need to figure out what I want with our friendship. It’s hard because I know I can’t change peoples way of responding and I don’t want to change who that person is. At the same time though for once in my life I have these wants and it scares me. I grew up pushing these downs and believing I was the flawed person because my mom never could meet me where I was at. That I had to change who I was instead of realizing it’s okay to find someone who I could talk to and could be there in the way I need. I didn’t realize how much work I need to do with boundaries and friendships and past hurts and abandonment issues.