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Torn Apart and Broken


#1

I am broken. I have torn myself apart, beaten myself down. I throw away any attempt at recovery that I make. I keep waiting for the “right” time to end it all and honestly that may be sooner rather than later. I am not doing well. I am not okay. This is the lowest I have felt in months. I am just ready to let go. I don’t want to do this any more. The only thing stopping me right now is the fact I live with my parents and I don’t want them to be the ones to find me, nor do I want to go somewhere and have some random stranger find me. But I’m slowly losing my grip and I am nearing the point of being ready to let go and not caring who finds me. I have already torn my skin apart so why not complete the self destruction.


#2

My dear friend,

I am so sorry that everything is so dark and heavy for you right now. Recovery is so hard. Sometimes it even makes you wonder if it’s worth it, but I promise you it is worth it. No matter how many times you fall, recovery is a journey and your journey is important. You are worth happiness and health. I am so happy that you are alive and I know it’s really hard for you right now, but please keep living. And you can add me to the list of people who would be devastated if you weren’t here. And if there comes a day where you think “I have to keep living because cassie would be sad” and that’s the only thing that keeps you going, that is okay. I am here for you, friend. You are bruised, but not broken. Hold Fast.
Love,
Cassie


#3

Kristina,

I’ve actually been thinking about you lately and occasionally drop in on your Facebook page just to see you’re okay. I have missed you, friend, and am glad that you posted <3

Also am thankful you’re so brutally honest. Yeah man, seems like life sucks right now, and there’s no way around it. It sucks, and it sucks, and it sucks. And it feels like you’re so tired of it sucking that you’re ready for it to be over.

Sounds like you could use a real rapid pivot. You need some hope in your life right now, home girl. When I hit the bottom, I found hope in faith. Is that something you’ve explored yet? If not, now might be a good time if you’ve tried everything else!


#4

No one around me knows how bad things have gotten again. Everyone thinks I’m fine. It just feels like no matter how far into recovery I get, I end up right back in this place. I know you guys aren’t lying to me but I also know from where I am standing it feels like this is never going to get better and it’s not going to end until I do. I can promise you that you would all be so much better off without me. You really don’t need me around. As far as faith goes, it has never really been my thing. I am far too skeptical and it just does not make me feel any better. What I need is for this all to end and I actually hate that I am being stubborn in not wanting my parents or a random stranger to be the ones to find me. I just don’t know any more.


#5

It’s also gotten to the point where I have to self harm in order to keep myself “safe” and it’s so frustrating. I should be past this by now.


#6

@KemMeyers

I’m sorry you are not in a good place. I’m sorry I didn’t contact with you. I was doing other things. The only thing I can say is thank you for sharing, this community loves you, and I love you too. HS is here for you.


#7

I just don’t know how much longer I ckcan do this. I an ready to let go. I had made a plan for today but my older brother ended up having the afternoon off work so I ended up not being home alone


#8

Kristina,

It’s important while you list out your thoughts for you to NAME what’s a lie and what’s not a lie…as an example:

“this is never going to get better”
“I can promise you that you would all be so much better off without me”
“you really don’t need me around”
“what i need is for this all to end”
“I should be past this by now”

^^ all of these are lies.

  1. you have hope, and your story is not over…you have the potential and the capability and the opportunity for things to get better, and every day is a fresh start…moreover the feelings of things being never-endingly awful isn’t true either…all bad feelings end. You feel good things during your day too…you laugh, you enjoy things, you listen to music you like, you encounter people that are nice, you have thoughts and feelings that are positive as well…the negative ones are not unending, even if they come back frequently and stay longer than you’d like, they always end.
  2. we would not. this world would not. people in your life that need you to hold on would not. your family would not. the people you’re going to influence with your story are not. this world would be a far dimmer place without you, and this world, this community, your family and friends, and I want you to stay
  3. see above
  4. I agree that this needs to end, but I don’t agree with how you’re saying it should end. I’m saying that the lies should end. The lies that you aren’t worth it, the lies that you don’t matter, that you’re more of a burden than you’re worth, the lies that you’re unloved…the LIES need to end…the avoiding your recovery needs to end…the avoiding connecting with others and sharing with them what you’re going through needs to end…and the truth needs to begin, from you to yourself, from you to others…your life needs to continue (see #2) and the truth needs to overtake these lies…you matter, kristina, and you are wanted, and you are needed
  5. I get that feeling because I too am in still in recovery for my addiction to porn. I get the feeling “I should be past this by now” because I’ve been in recovery for 7 years! Almost a decade of my life wanting things to change and them not changing exactly the way I want them to. But the truth is: life is different, life is better, because I’ve pursued recovery, I have hope and I can see the change…And also, even though I haven’t had total freedom or breakthrough yet, it doesn’t make any of my fight any less valid or worthwhile. The same goes for you. All of the fight you’ve put in doesn’t go to waste any time you relapse. You aren’t dumb or stupid or a piece of shit for relapsing. I still do too, and it doesn’t make me any less worthy of love or hope or support. This is a tooootal lie. The truth is: you are still just as worthy of love and support and LIFE as you were when you were a year clean. There is nothing different between Kristina then and Kristina now. You are so worthy and so loved.

TLDR:
You matter. You are wanted. You are needed.
You are not behind, you are right on time in your own story.
You need to take a step of faith to believe the truths and break up with the lies.
You are worthy of love, and your life is important.
You are not beyond hope.


#9

Honestly it is so hard to see what is lies and what is the truth. My brain screams at me that what it tells me is the truth and what everyone else says are the lies. I know the illness wants me to listen to it above anything else. I know that is how the illness works but I feel like I don’t have the strength to challenge it. I’m scared to fight it because what if it is actually the truth and everyone else is lying?


#10

Hi friend, thanks for reaching out.

It’s exhausting and frustrating to feel this low, but there is always a way out. Remember the last time you felt low and you thought “damn I’ve never felt this low”. Yet you made it. You’re still here and it’s a blessing. You have a purpose and you can definitely make it!

We believe in you, love you

Pioggia :sunflower:


#11

What if I don’t want to make it though?