Torn to leave torn to stay

So I don’t know if I’m seeking sound advice or just justification for how I feel but I’ll lay out the situation and hopefully get some sort of resolve.

So around April I got into a new relationship, my old roommate moved out, and I was struggling with working 12 hour night shifts and having a brand new puppy. Long story short I asked my girlfriend if her and her now three year old son wanted to move in. She didn’t have a job when we met but got one and I trusted that she would keep it but quit a few days before moving in. I said that was fine if she could take care of the household and I would work extra shifts to accommodate. I bought her a phone, decorated Nicky’s room, bought all of the food for months, I was cooking my own lunches doing the majority of my laundry and didn’t mind that at all. Gradually over time though I started to notice the apartment would stink when I would come home, and I’d find a trash can full of diapers and old food over stuffed cause she didn’t want to take it out alone. The spare toilet got ruined because her son flushed a toy truck, the apartment is still constantly a mess and I don’t have the time to work 12 hours 40 minutes away from home then come home clean and take care of myself.

And that’s the big thing here I’m so defeated, and stressed that I’m not taking care of myself. I’d lost a bunch of weight it is all back, I had started catching up on bills and had control of my spending and now I’m becoming impulsive. I’ve began to shut down completely from everything and everyone. I gave up places I wanted to go due to her insecurities, I’ve changed so much about my way of life and I justify it as growing pains I’m “becoming an adult” but more time passes I become more angry, I get snappy and sarcastic because I am just completely worn down.

She got a job that hardly can buy diapers, potty training hasn’t improved, she can’t drive so her parents have to take her to work or I’ll only get 3 hours of sleep so that I can take her, then her parents say that I’ve got it easier than anybody else In the situation. I’m paying close to $2000 in rent alone, while feeding her, her son, my two cats and my dog and I’m drowning.

As I write this there’s a sink full of dishes, stuff torn up all over the Nicky’s room, pans sitting out on the stove and a trash can full and I worked my sixth shift in a row last night while she was home. I feel bad because her mom is controlling and manipulative to her and I can see where her mom has torn her self confidence down, she also lost her brother about 4 months ago and I lost my third family member in a year, and me being used to it I can see how it’s broken her heart. And I care so much I really do. She’s funny and caring but the fights about the state we’re living in are taking a toll, the lack of self care I’m allowing myself is crushing me. I’ll sleep 2-3 hours a day and work all night for six days straight and the single day I have off her and her son will come in and wake me up every hour or two almost just to do it, which I know comes from the loneliness of me being gone. But I’m at ends here do I ask her to leave and build something better for myself or do I keep holding on to the hope that maybe someday things will get better? Because I’ve given all of myself and I don’t think that there is much left.


Hi @Jordash2338

Welcome back :smiley:

I’m sorry you are in this situation. It looks like you are doing everything you can to take care of her and her child. I have a lot of respect for that.

I have one question for you and I want you to really take some time to think about it.

Can you see a life with her?

Your answer will tell you what you need to do. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey @Jordash2338,

I’m glad you are back. You seem to be a very generous, caring person with others. But are you generous and caring with yourself? I would say that self care is very important for our health and you can’t pour from an empty cup. How can you care for yourself under the current living arrangement? I have a lot of respect for you and all you are doing to take care of them and yourself. Do you think you can continue under the current circumstances? Please think about what your life will be like continuing as things are. And then think about what your life could be like if you make the changes you are considering. This will help you decide what you need to do. I wish you well my caring friend. Please let us know how you are doing.


Hey there~Your message came through in a number of texts so I hope you get my response from this one.

I can feel your exhaustion and, I think, sadness. It sounds like you’re being dragged out to sea by a riptide. It sounds like you really care for this girl and for Nicky, but it also sounds like you know you need to have her leave. For all the reasons you mentioned, it’s going to be hard to do.

You must take care of yourself! You’ll be no good for anyone else soon, if I’m reading you correctly. You are weary. There is no end in sight. You are the only one who can be responsible for your life. She’s the only one who can for hers, and it sounds neither of you are right now.

Keep coming here for support. Start making a plan. Provide as much support as you can to help her go. Be caring but exacting when (if) you ask her to leave. Nothing will change for you if you don’t make a change. You must start taking care of yourself. All the best as you make your way.

So an update it came close, we almost called it and I just put my foot down, I said that things need to change and that they need to change immediately. I expressed that I knew how it felt to lose a brother as mine passed about 15 years ago and I knew that it hurt, I told her that I knew she needs to mourn and to do so as she wishes, but that life cannot stop moving that no matter the situation our home, animals, Nicky and ourselves need to be cared for. I told her the standard and let her know that if things don’t improve or if we have to have the conversation again that I am going to have to take care of myself and I’m going to have to ask them to leave. I’ve expressed after the fact that I’m struggling as I feel I’ve been taken advantage of multiple times by multiple people, and that I feared things would not actually change because they haven’t before. She seemed receptive and accepting of the fact that some trust will need to be re-established so we will see how things go. I appreciate the support and I love that this resource is available so thank you to you all.

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