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Totally alone in a world that hates me


#1

Hi heartsupport.

I just need to vent. I feel so alone and so suicidal and I seriously dont know what keeps me going. I find small things to hold on to, but I seriously can’t see the point when everything is pain and it has been like this for a long time.

I try to make friends but all my past friends has left me and the new ones I make wont stay in contact. And I can’t be the one that keeps writing people, because it makes me feel like I’m the only one interested in keeping a connection. I dont have social anxiety officially, but severe mental illness that out of many things gives me symptoms akin to that of social anxiety. So every time I do try to socialize all I can think of is everything I did wrong, said wrong, etc. Its so exhausting. I even feel like this around my own family at this point and they used to be my safe haven from feeling wrong. And then I isolate myself and I feel so lonely and that also hurts. I can never escape the hurt and the thoughts no matter what i do and i am soooo exhausted.

And I feel wrong all the time. I dont want to list all the things that makes me feel wrong, because I dont write this to get pity. I just dont know why I keep going in a world that would rather obviously see me dead. I see vicious attacks on people like me daily, and it fucking hurts. But the internet is the only place i can somewhat try to find something that is connecting with other people, even if it only gives me short reprieve from my crushing loneliness.

I also had a very close friend ghost me at the start of the year without any explanation and they are thriving now and that also hurts. I miss them so much I almost feel physical pain from thinking about them, but they’re obviously better off without me.

Everything just sucks. And hurts. And I’m so alone and I hurt so bad and I dont fucking know why I keep going because everyone would be better off without me, and i wouldn’t have to live with this pain.

I promised myself i would keep fighting to get better until i hit a certain age; but I’ve been giving it my all and nothing works. I dont feel better i actually only feel worse and I’m so close to giving up already.

Again I dont write this to get pity or ‘please dont kill yourself you have so much to live for!’ I dont need that. I just needed to vent somewhere where no one who knows me will find it. And dont ask me about why I feel wrong, I dont want to share that information.

  • DepressionDragon

#2

Hi friend :slight_smile:
First off, I am SO happy you came here to vent and write out how you’re feeling. We are here for you and want to help in any way we can. From reading your post, it seems like you’re in a dark place and struggling to find the hope to get through this. May I ask what type of hobbies you’re into? Sometimes those are the best things to help through the darkest times. Focusing on those can provide healthy distractions (depending on what it is) which in turn can help work through the thoughts you’ve been having.

I’m also sorry to hear about your friend. Losing a friend is some of the toughest pain a person can feel and that’s not easy to experience. BUT, you always have friends here and a place to go to. I know it feels like you don’t and anxiety is feeding you all of these thoughts but that’s the part you need to fight through and we are here to help in any way we can. If you want to share, what all have you been trying to help yourself through this? Maybe I can give some different ideas that has helped me? If not that’s totally okay! I just want you to know how loved you are and how worthy you are to be here. Anxiety can tell us lies like “I’m better off dead” and “no one wants me around” and it’s hard to call anxiety out on it’s crap. But that’s all it is, is lies. The truth is you are loved, worthy, enough, beautiful, amazing. The world would NOT be better if you weren’t in it.

I love you and I hope you can find peace and help with HeartSupport :hearts:

-Maddie


#3

Hi friend, thank you for posting! I’m glad you’re here <3

I understand this to an extent. My family aren’t and never have been a safe space for me, they’re highly abusive, but, I did have friends who were safe people for me. However, I’m the only one who ever reaches out. None of my friends ever message me first, to see how I’m doing or just to say hello. If I don’t message, I don’t think I would have contact with any of my friends.

I lost a friend a few years ago. We had been best friends for 12 years, but, she started treating my mental illness like a joke, so I had to let her go and it was so hard. I still to this day, wake up from dreams about her crying and hurting because I miss her so much.

It all feels so lonely, but, that doesn’t mean you are alone. THere’s a whole community of people here who want to help you and be there for you.

Come and join our discord, join in on live streams, make some friends here. You can keep fighting.
I would also recommend Dwarf Planet if you haven’t looked into that as well. It’s a workbook on depression that HeartSupport have published and has helped so many people.

Hold Fast
Kayla

https://heartsupport.com/resources/ < resources HS can offer you. Including a link to the book and streams.
https://discord.gg/heartsupport < discord. A safe place to communicate and make friends.