I just need to vent. I feel so alone and so suicidal and I seriously dont know what keeps me going. I find small things to hold on to, but I seriously can’t see the point when everything is pain and it has been like this for a long time.
I try to make friends but all my past friends has left me and the new ones I make wont stay in contact. And I can’t be the one that keeps writing people, because it makes me feel like I’m the only one interested in keeping a connection. I dont have social anxiety officially, but severe mental illness that out of many things gives me symptoms akin to that of social anxiety. So every time I do try to socialize all I can think of is everything I did wrong, said wrong, etc. Its so exhausting. I even feel like this around my own family at this point and they used to be my safe haven from feeling wrong. And then I isolate myself and I feel so lonely and that also hurts. I can never escape the hurt and the thoughts no matter what i do and i am soooo exhausted.
And I feel wrong all the time. I dont want to list all the things that makes me feel wrong, because I dont write this to get pity. I just dont know why I keep going in a world that would rather obviously see me dead. I see vicious attacks on people like me daily, and it fucking hurts. But the internet is the only place i can somewhat try to find something that is connecting with other people, even if it only gives me short reprieve from my crushing loneliness.
I also had a very close friend ghost me at the start of the year without any explanation and they are thriving now and that also hurts. I miss them so much I almost feel physical pain from thinking about them, but they’re obviously better off without me.
Everything just sucks. And hurts. And I’m so alone and I hurt so bad and I dont fucking know why I keep going because everyone would be better off without me, and i wouldn’t have to live with this pain.
I promised myself i would keep fighting to get better until i hit a certain age; but I’ve been giving it my all and nothing works. I dont feel better i actually only feel worse and I’m so close to giving up already.
Again I dont write this to get pity or ‘please dont kill yourself you have so much to live for!’ I dont need that. I just needed to vent somewhere where no one who knows me will find it. And dont ask me about why I feel wrong, I dont want to share that information.