Tougher times

HeartSupport Support
1

Very pleased to see the create a topic back…It was absent for awhile, and it made me very anxiety ridden and it was very triggering for me. I desperately needed to post and was upset that I couldn’t.

I have a lot to get off my chest, subconscious, and mind

On August 19th

Foster mom was admitted into the hospital and will have to have major surgery due to fluid around heart, and spend a few days there.

I saw on her chart online that the doctor discussed a dnr and incubation options if her heart were to stop…but she agreed that she would like to be resuscitated if possible.

I feel like she may not make it.
Everyday, I watch her decline in many ways and it’s tough seeing her like that.

I don’t know what would happen….if I lost her…especially in a tragic way…jeopardizing her peace…but it’s all tragic…for everyone…all stages of life…

Just today…she looked at me very defeated, deflated, and depressed and said that she’s old and probably doesn’t have much time left to live.

There was such terrible confusion about the seriousness of her condition and when she should go to the hospital being relayed differently by her doctor’s. It was terrifying and unnerving for she, I, and the rest of her family. One said she’ll be fine and it can wait until next week that it’s nothing serious, another said that she needs to be admitted to the hospital asap.
Eventually she was told to go to the hospital asap.

She’s been in there 3 days now, and just had surgery today to place a pericardial drain. The chart online is saying more fluid than normal is being collected in the bag. I found out that could be due to traumas and unrelated serious health issues…and that’s a very dangerous thing.

Who knows what will happen. Something deep inside of me is telling me that she’s not coming home.

I remembered about a month before someone around where I reside passed…He sat parked in his car drinking and thinking for many hours…

One time, I helped him into his house because he was too intoxicated to open his door. Luckily his wife was there…
I hope that she was kind to him during those days.

I feel like I’m losing a never ending battle…

I am not doing too well as usual, but I have declined and desended even further.

To be continued

2

On August 21

Fm isn’t doing too well still. Everyday that I check her status online, they’ve extended her stay in 3 day incriminate.

Finally spoke on the phone with her a very short time…she could barely speak, was disoriented, confused as she didn’t recognize that it was me calling (asked me who I was), her weight isn’t increasing, she sounded like she had trouble catching breaths…

Since she is in a weakened fragile frail state …and doesn’t feel well enough to speak on the phone (she’ll never admit it) she asked me to get updates from her family…

So, I’ve decided to not call anymore…unless I know her health is improving…she needs rest now.

The anniversary of my being of light, life, and fur passing from illness 3 years ago was yesterday. It was a very emotional and overwhelming day…

Unfortunately since I needed comfort because I have no one…against my better judgment I contacted neighbor ghoster guy. I am very ashamed and defeated.

I was doing well trying to adjust to him being out of my life. I am very disappointed in myself…and he let me down again and wasn’t there… I let myself down…

Now I have to start over again and make sure that I don’t cave to loneliness.

Very disappointed and ashamed.

This is just a reminder of how truly lonely I am and the road to heightened loneliness without my fm.

I want to cultivate my own circle or group instead of relying on foster mom and her family…but all I keep receiving are immature non genuine people who lie a lot.

Although loneliness is and can be very overwhelming…”this” is too much.

Maybe I’m better just staying single and friendless.

I learned that during the admission process with a social worker…my foster mom didn’t want a dnr order. She wants resuscitation and intubation…if sher heart stops.

This is very surprising to me, because she is always depressed about her new ways of life now. Perhaps she is ready…just afraid to pass…

If not this, and she survives…it’s only a matter of time before she’s gone.

She also has mixed dementia, memory problems, and mobility issues.

I’m alwa

I am very overwhelmed. Stressed, and depressed.

⁶

On August 23

Feeling very depressed and down as usual…only with deflation and numbness…the kind that casts a cautionary dark aura around you. Numbness. Hopelessness. Motionless.

Spent another day in bottomless tears. Stupid emotions. Stupid feelings. Stupid hormones. Pathetic me.

Fm allegedly coming home on Monday, and like always, I’m glad for her that she’s returning home……and I’m glad that she’s doing well…it’s just that I think I enjoy the break, the silence, and perhaps getting a glimpse of an aspect of life that I’ve never experienced…and that is living alone.

I enjoy the glimpse. I have no idea as to how I’d feel completely living alone daily…not just a “mini” vacation.

The broader view…I can’t fathom living an already lost life without her.

Also, it is also because I get nervous and my anxieties flare up more. Being on pins and needles …anticipating the next health scare, moments of helplessness and confusion on both our parts…not knowing what to do, hoping that my response and reaction time is immediate…. wrestling between conflicting feelings regarding respecting her wishes not to go to the hospital, wanting her to go, and wanting her to go to appease her family and not get in trouble legally because I respected her wishes.

If it were up to me, I’d respect her wishes and decisions for her own life. She’s lived a long time, her quality of life isn’t something she finds favoritable as it’s greatly diminished, all immediate family gone, sole survivor, she’s often depressed, she’s tired and exhausted from living…especially how she has to now.

Even though she agreed not to have a dnr order in place, and agreed to be resuscitated and intubated. That she didn’t want to have surgery…she only made those decisions on behalf of her family. She doesn’t want them to get upset, angry, and coerce and influence her true decision. It’s just easier for her to agree.

She’s told me a few months ago, that she didn’t want to undergo an operation at her age, and to basically “let her go”… that she has lived enough…She even basically told me this on the day of her current admission. …

It’s all for them.

Today was also depressing because they included me in a group chat yesterday to discuss the status of fm…and today they’ve must have forgotten to exit the group chat, because they’re discussing me amongst themselves…

I can see everything that they say about me. It’s hurtful.

I wish that I wasn’t me…sometimes…
I also wish that it was my time to pass…a lot

3

On August 23

I tried to get over neighbor ghoster guy, and some time back I was communicating with someone that I went to school with. He pretty much did the same thing as neighbor guy. He feigned interest and two days ago I asked for hug….I’m in a vulnerable stressful position and very depressed…with everything going on in my life…I have been making impulsive decisions…trying to get some type of comfort and care during these difficult times…I have been just needing a hug…and just to be cared for…

He told me yes and that he would like that as well…and that he understands I’m going through a difficult time, and he could give me a hug as soon as he comes back in town. That he’s out of town for work.

Today I asked for that hug, and he told me he met someone this week who asked him to settle down with her, and he agreed today. That he was going to start his family with her, and that he couldn’t give me a hug, and that I can say whatever I want, but it’s over between us.

I’m tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes and being toyed about.

Neighbor guy did the same thing when I impulsively reached out to him 2 days ago.

I just want to be valuable…

And be of value…

I just want to belong.

.

4

On Sept 2

Fm is back home after 2 weeks. Although seemingly improving each daily, She is still very weak and frail. Her mixed dementia and memory problems have worsened. She’s been repeating things, forgetting things in a shortened time frame….asking me the same questions repeatedly … She is unfocused and strays away from topics when trying to converse with her. It is very difficult to follow and have a conversation with her.

…but I still try …I still have optimism within her range of capabilities…
even though she does that, I act as if it’s the first time she is asking or telling things. I can’t imagine fully how it is for her, but I know it depresses her, and things are difficult for her. I know that she is often embarrassed and feels ashamed.

I honestly and personally are having some of those same difficulties of aging, health, coping, and trying to adapt and adjust to everything. …with things regarding my life and hers… I am stuck in mourning… always …

I have been in mourning my entire life.

Maybe things will improve somewhat…I know that unless some out of worldly, I know that things will fluctuate between seeing improvement and things going downhill… eventually just downhill will be permanent. …maybe downhill and uphill depends on how the individual defines it.

It’s that way for all of us…

Maybe she sees it as uphill. She’s tired of living. …

I feel that there comes a point or multiple in everyone’s life where they’re tired of living…

Before she was discharged, the results of a test suggested that she may have fluid around her left lung. I wish they kept her and did more tests to discover if it was a definite. Perhaps they know already and there may not be much more they can do.

I know that her upcoming 2 appointments a day apart suggests that there are serious health problems…

Transition of care appointment can mean anything, also the upcoming endocrinology… especially appointments so very soon and close together.

I wish I could fix everything, but I can’t…no one can. Whatever will be will be. That’s how perhaps life, existence is and works.

Everything that she’s done to me over the years …I try to not let bother me …it doesn’t matter anymore…
Just been trying to make her comfortable, and try to give her a small dose of happiness if possible. She likes streaming and viewing worship music on tv…so I make sure that it’s always on.

Well…to be continued…

5

On Sept 3rd

Fm not doing well. Saw online they just added another appointment for this week. Being discharged 4 days ago from an inpatient 2 week hospitalization only to have 3 upcoming appointments this week a day apart from one another … isn’t a good sign.

Before she was discharged an transthoracic echocardiogram suggested there may be fluid around her left lung….

To be honest, I think her organs are shutting down and getting ready to fail. … Although improving some, she’s still very weak and frail…when she coughs, I hear fluid…or maybe it’s paranoia…she often has a bloated extended stomach, sometimes in pain and has difficulty fully emptying her bladder despite feeling the urgency to go frequently. …

She has difficulty getting comfortable in bed despite all her pillows that are supposed to relieve pain and pressure.

Someone purchased a foam pillow top .I will put that on tomorrow when she’s at her first doctor’s appointment of the week.

I have a feeling that after the results of all her tests, she may be hospitalized again.

Hate the fact that her family didn’t really let her get rest and be by herself some days during her last stay. They were up there everyday until the end of visiting hours, and they called a lot, and then pestered her doctor’s a lot. I know that they love her, but she needs personal and processing space.

She doesn’t enjoy too much company, communication,and visits from anyone anymore…and often vents to me about her family visiting being too much for her to handle.

I remember watching a documentary where it was soon to be the end of a woman’s life and her family wouldn’t stop shoving the camera in her face…even when she reached the point of being in hospice…and she was wriggling around in pain, embarrassment and despair.

The husband who was a jerk, was there every single day all day being a nuisance…her family too.

I could tell that she was embarrassed especially since it displayed some of her family’s secrets and personal affairs that may not have been known at all or by many… Like when she was living at home going through chemotherapy, there was an incident where her husband yelled at her, was angry, and insulted her because her some of her hair accidentally fell out into the food they ordered for dinner….

While in hospice, he basically pressured and forced her into getting remarried. She told him that she was unwell, self conscious, didn’t want to be seen by others in her state and condition…but he made her do it anyway and guilt tripped her because family had come for the event …

Or when she had came from a doctor’s appointment and wanted to see the paperwork from her visit, and her husband took it out of her hand while she was reading it and refused to return it…telling her that she didn’t need to see it.

I understand not wanting her to be further depressed and upset by it…but it’s something she has to process and maybe come to terms or an acceptance about. I could tell this controlling abusive behavior happened perhaps the entire courtship …the son and mom looked embarrassed and uncomfortable on camera …and the son was consoling his mom out of established habit…

I understand that everyone was grieving and in mourning, and that perhaps the grief exasperated, mutated, and pronounced itself differently…in maybe ways that were indistinguishable and non reflective of their natural characters.

She finally got the hopefully tranquil and peaceful transition that she needed. She passed away at night, after visiting hours, without any family being there.

Even though I barely connect and bond emotionally with my fm…I have been sleeping in her room, and trying to connect and gift her the physical intimacy of presence…just like I use to do as a teenager…

This is going to be a long restless night…fm has an early appointment tomorrow and is restless, won’t settle down, wants to converse and asking me a lot of questions….worrying about everything. I hope that the both of us will be able to get some sleep. I wish I were able to comfort and soothe her…

6

On Sept 3

Saddened, defeated and depressed. Learned that while my fm was in the hospital a very large part of the reason I couldn’t talk to her on the phone was because her family would intentionally either leave the room phone off the hook, or just pick it up and hang up…they all knew the only one who would be calling her other then them, was me…but they still excluded me. …they never included me anyways…

I was very depressed and everything while she was in there. I didn’t hear from her for two weeks. …I kept calling constantly…

They never considered me family anyways…and I’ve never considered them family… because they’re not, and other various reasons.

Wish fm hadn’t told me that, and she also told me that during sometimes she told her family to stop because it could be me …and one of her children said Sara who?? and flagged me off…

7

On Sept 4

First appointment today, results are they feel she has graves disease…

More appointments the rest of the week

Foster mom continues to lash out, verbally abused me and put me down. I am trying to non in void everything she’s doing and has done to me but it’s hard…and it’s disheartening…and by dismissing it would be invalidating my feelings and myself…but not dismissing it and getting angry and speaking up about makes me feel guilty and saddened to be discussing this and being non accepting of my 92 year old fm…she’s ill and doesn’t have that much longer to live…it makes me feel badly to feel cross towards her and at her. It makes me want to put my feelings on the backburner and dismiss them …as I’ve learned to do in early childhood.

I just want her time left to be in comfort.

Also, it seems that whenever I get cross at her, she winds up hospitalized…

I am always very conflicted and confused

She’s in discomfort regarding her bed, but doesn’t believe me when I tell her bodies change and just because she was in comfort years ago, doesn’t mean she’ll remain the rest of her life. Change is inevitable and a constant.

She says the bed is too high now, that it’s never been that high, and she keeps repeating the store owners advice of adjusting the bed to her liking and leaving it alone

That the bed should last a lifetime.

She accused me daily of adjusting it, told me that I should have left it alone in the first place.

Her bed does have an indentation and seems to be caving in. She has an adjustable bed that her family purchased for her…which is another reason why she doesn’t want to tell them…so she tells me …

It’s just all too much…life and existence is just too much

8

Feeling unsupported and a waste of life