i don’t think people understand that near every relationship with people i’ve had my entire life has been toxic and i’m so use to people treating my shittily that it’s rubbed off on me and i can’t completely change that. i’ve come a long way from who i used to be but it’s still just never enough for anybody. how can i be expected to be extraordinarily nice and kind and not even joke around? i don’t even realize i’m being mean. my friend says i’m always rude to him but all i ever notice is me calling him idiot or dummy in a playful manner and i just don’t understand. i don’t want to hurt him because it hurts me and all i ever seem to do is fuck up. i’ve been bullied since third grade and nobody even thinks about how that has impacted me. i’ve had one caring relationship in my life and i even drove them away as well so i just… i don’t know. i suppose it isn’t right to blame who i am on past experiences. i’m my own person and can’t blame others for how i am… i just want everyone in my life to leave so i can reinvent myself for the new people that enter my life and i can test run that version of me with them…
another subject is that i brought up me seriously wanting a rhinoplasty to my parents and they just dismissed it like it was nothing. i’ve been bullied for it my entire life and was called “gru” from despicable me for an entire year because of it. i hate it and i don’t want to try to come to terms with it again because it just lead to me hating it more. i’ve already told them that i’d rather them never buy me anything again and give me a rhinoplasty than have to live with this nose. i hate it. i hate my face.