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Toying with the idea of suicide

Hello everyone.
I am 34 years old. i think about suicide often. iv’e never actually tried anything. took a couple of pills once, but i knew it was nowhere enough to kill me. what scares me is that before, the idea of dying used to terrify me. Now when i think about it, I think it would be a relief.
As i’m writing this i know I can’t do it. I have a husband who loves me. He loves me alot. And he is the kindest, most decent person in the world. I know that killing myself would leave such a huge scar on his life. Also, I imagine that my parents would be affected by it too. I have no friends. No real ones anyways. I’m a painter. I have spent most of my adult life working very very very hard on my craft, however , I have never gained any success. i’m told my work is good but i constantly get turned down by group exhibitions, etc. my work is either too dark, too small, too this too that. Anyways, painting has been my life’s passion and I feel like I have failed at it. I feel ridiculous. In my mind I had this image that by this age I would have made some sort of name for myself. I feel like a joke. I have also suffered form depression since the age of 9. Ive been pullling my hair since I was nine, and I have also suffered from an eating disorder most of my life. All of my life has been a battle field. The past year and a half, covid and quarantine really hit me hard. Long story short. I think everyone, including myself, would be better off is I was dead. I think my husband would move on and find someone better. live a happier life. I have been in therapy for two years. I don’t tell her about my suicidal thoughts. but i tell her about my anxiety, depression, hair pulling, etc. Therapy hasn’t helped me. I have recently developed a chronic stomach condition and doctors can’t figure out what it is…all and all, I find myself here. simply, not wanting to live.
where do i go from here ?
p.s excuse my English, it is not my first language.

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I also am 34 years old.

I have tried to kill myself multiple times and one time I almost died. I could talk about how I relate or talk about this or that, but something I think is more important to talk about is that sometimes a therapist doesnt fit. Fire them and find one that does. If you have the money/insurance to do so. I think it would be beneficial to explore your options and see if there isn’t a better fit for you.

As for telling therapists about suicide. My negative thoughts, and my thoughts about death are the ones I have always felt the most guilty about. It took me a very long time to want to sit down in front of my therapist and feel like being completely honest with them about the darkness inside of me. I wouldn’t beat yourself up for these things. These things are hard. Like, really.

You survived a battlefield. You fought. You’re still hear. Talk to us, talk to a new therapist, talk to your husband, talk to yourself haha, Ask yourself, Who am I?

I always feel like my advice is the worst and I nitpick what I say and am always trying to be too careful. Regardless of that, People are in discord, on twitch. Maybe explore making friends online in communities you know are safe?

If you want to know how deeply I relate to you I can share more, but I think it is more important to try to figure out what it is that works for YOU. I have to run an errand. Maybe this is a place where you can start to try to make progress towards feeling better?

“edit explaining Who am I?” Something that has helped me recently is whenever I think of Who am I? I’m not my job, i’m not my past, i’m not my future, I’m nothing about myself that was not there since the beginning. I am my passions. I am the things that resonate deep with-in my soul. One of those things I think is clear from what you wrote. Painting. I dunno, lol. I always feel like I’m never saying the right things.

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Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It means alot. Are you happy that you didn’t succeed in taking your life? Therapy seems like a joke to me at this point. Sometimes she does this thing where i can tell she really wants to yawn but she holds it in lol. I dunno, it just hasn’t helped with anything really. She keeps saying it’s a long process, etc. I was always a little depressed and troubled, but never before had I lost the will to live. It has come to a point where i resent my husband and parents. I resent them because I have to live for them. It’s my husband’s birthday tonight. I have to get out of bed and act like I want to live. Act like I’m not depressed. Act like I’m happy to celebrate. He deserves someone better.

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I want you to know this response will be long but I am here.

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This topic of suicide is very very very very um. For someone who has spent most of their life, by a wide margin ,wanting to die. There are quite a lot of dark things that I have done/thought. I also want you to know that I am gonna share a couple of my perspectives probably from different times.

This perspective honestly is not correct to me anymore, but up until my Dad Died recently(May of This Year) I still often thought this way. I thought that having been in Mental Health Recovery for 8 years and trying everything I have tried to try to feel better. Exhausting my resources to the best of what I was capable of, with what I was going through. I thought that it should be allowed for someone to be euthanized. If and only if they had exhausted everything and nothing was left for them.

The thing is. There is so much more left. It just wasn’t where I was expecting it. To answer your question, up until very recent where I had a huge growth while exploring my spirituality, but until that the moment I couldn’t remember in my entire life where I felt happiness. Was when I was sitting on a curb dying from taking 1000 extra strength tylenol. I was texting my mom and telling her what was going on and that she should know I was happy. I was sober, I was happy, I was ready. I lived for others on that day. Not Myself.

Today I can for the first time say that I am glad that I lived for other people that day. 8 years in recovery today. Not practicing everything perfectly, because its is not always easy, but in it. Month one of feeling what I believe is True Happiness for the First time. I don’t expect it to always be here, last forever or not. I finally found a place inside where I can sit and laugh at myself and be okay.

Therapy is going to feel pointless until you find the right DR/and or Therapist. If you are like me that is. I have huge problems with authority and I have slowly been cracking my ego apart but I used to study everything wrong with me and work on it to the point where I thought I “knew it all”. Right? lol There is not a human being on the planet even close to knowing anything honestly. lol We are primitive. We still fight with each other instead of help each other. haha off topic. If you give your professional support of whatever kind a fair chance and they dont fit. I highly recommend you don’t give up on professional support. I feel that everyone has matches in all categories of human interaction. Hard part is just finding um.

As for acting, Maybe try not acting anymore? Like, make the moment proper and stuff. If you haven’t shared with him how you feel. I think you should let him know how bad you are really feeling. Let it all out. He’s your partner in life as of right now, right?

Sorry for the late response. I hope you are feeling even a bit better.

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