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Tracking my progress (trigger warning)

1 year ago today I stabbed myself with a pen.

Hey Xan,

One year from that event and congrats on keeping track of the mark. Keep holding strong my friend.

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So glad I didn’t have a blade this morning. I have a headache, sleeping last night made me more exhausted, I’m hungry, and having 1 of the ladies i live with screaming at a very high pitch doesn’t help. 3 solid meals just went out the window

I caught myself trying to dig my nails in my arm and scratch while wishing I had a blade

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It’s good that you didn’t have a blade indeed. Good that you stay away from those.

What used to help you when you feel a need to hurt yourself?

I don’t really remember. Its been so long I don’t think about it anymore its second nature.

I hate fighting. I just woke up and someone started arguing with me. Wanted hit myself

I MADE IT!!!:tada::tada::tada::tada::tada::tada:
EXACTLY 3YRS. CLEAN!!:smiley::smiley::heart_eyes::heart_eyes:
3YRS. Ago was the last time I cut.

2020 convinced me to throw away blades I kept
I could have never imagined 3yrs. When I started over this time, I could barely get past 1yr. When I got past it, until the 2yr. Mark I believed I could mess up at any time. I celebrate today :smiley::smiley::tada:

Also I’m concerned with the reality that I was faced with years ago in a Facebook support group. Somebody had made it 8yrs. !!! and still slipped. I’m so removed from the situation that when I’m asked what I do when I’m tempted I cant give a answer because my body is now programmed to take care of itself so if I end up with a late night not sleeping from discomfort of the temptation I would not know how to relax

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CONGRATULATIONS!

As for that person slipping, that’s really sad, but it doesn’t mean they’ve failed, and it doesn’t mean they go back to Square One. It means they pick the pieces back up and keep moving.

You are blessed that self-harm isn’t your automatic go-to anymore, and that’s a huge accomplishment. If you’re ever tempted, reach out, either here or to a trusted friend. In the meantime, don’t live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don’t look at the years ahead of you, look at today. That’s the AA mantra: Just for Today. I’d also suggest giving back in support groups. By engaging with others in various stages of their struggles, you can pick up some useful tips on coping mechanisms. I know for my part, choosing to come to HeartSupport to give back has in return helped me several times.

Again, congratulations on being clean! I hope you celebrate well!

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@SheetMetalHead honestly heart support is amazing, I realized I was a shy empathic extrovert instead of the introvert I always thought I was

Yeah a line I hold on to is: Don’t let it arrest you
This fear is fear of fallin’ again

Can I message? Using the wall and Instagram for heart support has been weird

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Sure. My DMs are open.

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And great! I avoided hitting my head out of boredom at work to get berated by a roommate. All because I wanted to sit down and eat something since have not ate all day. They don’t take food as a priority, they would go all day without then eat something small. Well they wanted my help and I asked for a few minutes to take care of myself. No. So I bashed my phone into my left arm, I cant feel it.

Edit: I have feeling back in my arm but since then I’ve tried ripping my hair out and I found my hands around my neck for a few seconds. Like a a choker, nothing too tight luckily. Still not good.

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Ok, apparently I’m stressed :rofl: I tried ripping my hair out again. This time in the middle of a store because I had people closing in on me not allowing the required distance. 1 was a store manager pressing me in the direction of other customers.

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And for some reason food is making me rip my hair out.

Really trying not to hit myself for the things my roommates are doing wrong
This is stressing me out

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Hey friend, I’m sorry to hear that you were so stressed. Are you feeling any better today? You are loved. Be safe. :hrtlegolove:

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Tw: Not safe. First time in a while I’ve had suicidal thoughts.

Not even close to acting on them, but they are there…
Like: what if I just kept walking through the parking lot with cars coming at me.

Or

Wanting the seatbelt loosely around my neck.

:fearful::sob::worried:

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I’m so sorry you’re having those thoughts. It can be very intrusive and disturbing when you don’t really expect it. But even if those thoughts are a bit uncontrolled/automatic, they are only thoughts, and you are still in control. You can say a strong “no” to them, consciously, even out loud if needed, every time it pops into your mind. Those thoughts don’t deserve your energy. <3

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