My dear friend, I wish I could give you a giant hug right now.
Being grateful to what you already have isn’t an obligation. It is powerful to acknowledge what is bringing you some happiness and fulfills you right now. That’s true. But it’s also okay to be frustrated by things that aren’t going the way you’d like to. There’s no “should” or “shouldn’t” in this situation. Only what you feel and have to express.
I think it’s also very powerful to acknowledge what isn’t satisfying to you. Positive changes can arise through dissatisfaction. But it’s not easy. It’s scary to slow down a little, to ask yourself if what you’re doing is meaningful to you, to wonder about your purpose in life. And I’m sorry if you’re feeling like you’re trapped or navigating in an ocean of doubts and uncertainties right now. But you will manage to find the answers to your questions. I believe in you. You are not trapped friend. And you won’t be alone through this process.
You know what we’re used to hear on HS streams resonates a lot and is a good start when we feel lost: what are the things you can do or change? what are the things you can’t change?
Work occupies a lot of time in our lives. And earning money is indeed a huge reason to work. But it’s almost impossible to have the same passion for the same job during an entire life. It’s not easy to acknowledge that. Yet you did it. Maybe you can ask yourself if now would be a time of life changes. The answers are yours entirely, but you can also learn from others experiences. It can seem impossible at first and let arise a lot of fears just to think about looking for a different job. But you’re not old. You’re intelligent. Thinking about a transition is a possibility, whether it’s about how to improve your current work environment or simply change for a new job.
Health insurance is also huge thing. I know it’s important, needed, and I’m not ignoring that at all. Let’s just try to improve what’s not working to you right now without putting yourself out of this security that you need for yourself, for your future. Just don’t be afraid to imagine what you’d like to do. Your imagination allows you to start to think from your inner desires and wishes. It gives you a direction. And there has to be ways to make your desires and reality match in a way that makes sense to you. It takes time to think about it, patience as well. And you know you have friends here with whom you could talk to anytime you need, for example to have some feedback or share common experiences. But always with some extra-love included.
Indeed, health condition implies a part of grief. There are things we can’t do because of that, even if we’d like it to be different. There are days when this reality is harder to face. But it’s important to let go of things you can’t change, otherwise it would only be hurtful to you. Maybe you can’t do this “1” thing because of your health condition. Alright. Then let’s give a try to this “2nd” thing that seem to be more accessible in this life and reality.
Besides your job, you can still think about what you can do during your free time. Try some new activities. Be curious about this world. Let yourself inspire by those around you, by what is interesting for you. You’re right, it’s more about what makes sense to you rather than a question of personal motivation. You said you “have always done things simply because they must be done”. Then it is time to change your strategy my dear friend. Allow yourself to try, to fail, to see this world through the eyes of a child. And keep pushing away those lies that go through your mind sometimes.
You still have control on how you live with that, how you feel in your body. Since I’ve been sick I’ve felt progressively ashamed by just being outside and let others be aware of my health state just by looking at me. I hate that feeling and it’s hard to fight against this urge to hide myself at home. But I’m also a nature lover. And my heart broke the day I realized I didn’t go outside anymore to enjoy the flight of jackdaws, every evening, near where I live. It’s a bit of a silly example (but I swear if you see that you’d be amazed!), but I guess that what I’m trying to say is: don’t let your health condition prevent you to live, to be proud of who you are and live towards what is essential to you.
My malfunctioning body allows me to write to you right now.
I care about you. I am proud to know you. Those are some essentials that make the physical pain less intense, less frightening. I could lose my hands tomorrow that I’ll just let you know it in different ways. Because that is important to me and it just goes beyond the obstacles of life.
You’ll find your purpose again.
I still see the stars shining in your heart and soul.
You’ll see them too.
I love you friend.