Starvation is my easiest and best option. Probably. Considering my already underweight stature, it wouldn’t take long before I had some health problems. Maybe even death. Or if that fails I could look up some fatal arteries for “interest.” I couldn’t do it now because arteries are the obvious ones. The ones that bleed out a lot. So I could only do that in a few years. Or else it would leave a deeper scar. Well… I guess those are my only two options. I thought there’d be more. Suffocation failed. Cutting myself with a fork or pin or coin, because I can’t use knifes can do but it’s not fatal. So starvation is step one. Until I find out a real way. Just keep looking… Maybe life is more of a nightmare than my dreams. Because unlike dreams, in real life I’m not afraid of dying.
I’m writing here again am I? Huh…
Why did I make this. Not again. Shut up me
Hey friend.
There’s no need to shut yourself up. You haven’t done anything wrong. It can be frustrating to feel like you’ve shared more than you “should”, but I can assure you, there is no “should” or “shouldn’t” on this matter. Actually, not staying alone with these thoughts is a good thing. Know that it doesn’t change anything on our end here. It doesn’t change the love that we have for you. It doesn’t change the perception we could have of you. You’re not any less because of your struggles, and certainly not because you dare to be vulnerable as well.
I wish I have many answers, but I can only say that how you feel makes sense. However, it’s still important to look out for other solutions than death and suffering. Because that’s not what you deserve. I understand that life can be incredibly heavy at times. And it sucks even more when it’s been actually a daily feeling for a long time. It feels like being stuck between four walls without any window or door. So out mind wanders, cycles around, knocks on the walls again and again, until it decides to create its own door, an “exit” one. Those walls are not as stable as we see them at the moment though. And we’re not as alone or separated from the outside world as much as we thought. It works like an illusion. We see something that is the reflection of how we feel deep inside, yet between our inner world and the world around us, there are many differences to take in account. Such as: you are loved. You are stronger than you think. You are not alone. You have been through times like these and you’ve learned to thrive. You are standing up, you are breathing, you are alive. Those walls can be broken down, with the right tools and with the help of people who see you.
I see you. I want the best for you. I want to encourage you to keep moving, and to know that it’s okay if it includes times of deep vulnerability like these. There is a real strength and growth to cultivate during these moments. There is strength to inhale through every breath that you take. There is hope to hold on to as long as you are here.
You are seen. You are loved. You belong. 
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