As was said in the last post, if you want context for all these just go look at my very first one. This is another long one so be prepared for a lot of reading, children.
Alright so, this is really what started it all for me, basically. And kind of what took my innocence, if you will. I was in 10th grade. And I was in the very earliest stages of my emo phase (I was a late bloomer bc my mom sheltered me from literally everything). This was kind of a limbo period in my life. A very gray area. So I was in geometry class one day and this girl sat across from me. I’d noticed her around sometimes since starting high school but we’d never spoken a word to each other. I’d been bringing my guitar to school sometimes just to give myself something to do during lunch. Well, it was almost time for class to be over and go home and I was playing around on it and whatnot, just minding my own business. And out of nowhere she turns and asks me, “Fender or Gibson?”. It lowkey scared the shit out of me because I was zoning out hardcore (adhd things uwu). And after a few seconds of thinking about it I was like , “Meh, I’m more of a Schecter guy tbh” because I was an edgy cunt. The conversation went on and eventually she was like “Why don’t you find me on Facebook? My name’s Izzy.” And I was like okay bet. So when I got home that’s what I did. And after a few days of this. Literally just a few days. She ended up asking me out. One, this was the first time I’d ever dated anyone in ANY sense of the word and I was still a naive little baby. And two, she was really hot and I liked her too so of course I said yes. Anyway time goes on and everything’s great. No arguments, none of that. We were the “We’re gonna viciously make out in the middle of the hallway every chance we get when we’re supposed to be going to class right now” type of couple. It’s perfect. Except for one thing. I was lying about literally everything about me. And to this day the only explanation or reasoning I can come up with is that I was trying to overcompensate for not going through as much in life as she had at that point. Idk dude. Anyway, you’ll see why I included that detail later. Christmas break comes along, and we miss each other like a LOT. So one fine tuesday afternoon Izzy’s like “Why don’t you come over?” And I was like “That’s a fantastic idea yes” So after 30 minutes of trying to properly explain how to get to my house bc I’m actually retarded, she pulls up with her dad, and off we go. We get there and her family’s really nice and welcoming and all that. I remember her sister was really cool. Anyway, we go back to her room to chill and whatever and after a minute or two she’s like “hey you wanna smoke some weed?” Mind you, if never smoked anything except a cigarette my entire life up to this point. And again, I was a liar, so I said yes. We go outside and she pulls out this one hitter that looked like a cigarette, it was really cool imo. We light it up and she asks me, “Are you sure? You don’t have to do if you don’t want to.” And I’m like yeah sure it’s fine. And again she asks me “Are you absolutely sure???” And I go yes I’m A B S O L U T E L Y S U R E. So we start smoking together. She quit like 6 hits before I did. And we sit there laughing at basically nothing for like an hour. And then we go back inside to chill and stuff and sit down in the kitchen. She offers me food but I say no bc I was weird about eating at other people’s houses. Even tho I hadn’t eaten like all day. Anyway, we’re sitting there just vibing and all of a sudden I start feeling funny. I was already high so it wasn’t that. I thought maybe I was just tired and weak from not eating and being high so I ignore it. Whatever. After a little while it gets stronger. So I’m like wtf and I lay my head down on the counter. Her sister is sitting across from me (we were sitting at this big ass kitchen island. Their house was nice) and she goes, “getting sleepy?” And I nod my head yes and keep laying there. And it’s progressively just getting worse and worse and idk why. Then Izzy turns around and sees me and she’s like “do you wanna go back to my room to lay down?” And before I could answer, I blacked out. Turns out what we’d smoked was K2. And when I blacked out, I had a seizure and my heart stopped. I was dead for 5 minutes. Luckily her or her dad (I don’t remember which, god rest his soul) did CPR on me and revived me. When I regained consciousness I didn’t open my eyes at first. My head was in Izzy’s lap and I could hear her screaming “Please don’t leave me I love you” over and over. I finally opened my eyes and I see her dad on the phone with 911 with the most horrified look on his face. I couldn’t move. Like, I physically couldn’t move. I could bend my legs at the knee and that was it. He looks down at me and he’s asking me all these questions like “do you know where you are? What’s your name? How old are you?” Like, REALLY worried about me even tho I’d only met him that day. I finally managed a sentence and I said “I don’t need an ambulance.” And he was basically like yeah but they’re coming anyway. So they watch me very closely while they waited for the EMTs. Silence filled the entire house. And horror. Everyone, including me, was absolutely dumbfounded by what had just happened. Finally the EMTs get there and the first one to walk through the door was my Aunt Cindy. Somehow I’d forgotten she was one of them. As soon as she saw me her face dropped so hard. Up until that point I’d never seen so much heartache in someone’s eyes. But she shook it off and did an on site stat check to make sure I wasn’t gonna die or anything. Then they finally got me on a gurney and took me to the hospital. Everything that happened after that was a blur. And still is to this day. I remember my family and hers arguing about who’s fault it was I was there. I remember my Aunt Carol coming in and being so, so upset. And the last thing I remember about being at that hospital still stings when I think about it. I’d finally gotten the strength to stand and walk around. And Izzy walks in and closes the door. She looked heartbroken. She looked me dead in the eyes and said in the most calm tone, “Why’d you lie to me?” It caught me off guard, honestly. And my brain was fried from the K2 so I couldn’t think straight anyway. All I could do was look at her. Because honestly, I had no idea. And that’s the answer I gave her. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” Then, she started crying and said “I think we both know what has to happen here. It’s what our parents want. It’s over. I’m sorry.” Then she kissed me one last time, gave me the beanie I’d left over there, and left. All I could do was sit on my bed and stare at the floor and cry. My mom came in shortly before they cleared me to leave. And all I felt towards her was anger. Because she hated Izzy from the get go. Just because of the man her dad (god rest his soul) used to be. She’d never wanted us together. I looked up at her like I hated her and she just walked out and took care of my paperwork. When we got home, I was still in a frenzy. And in my mind the only thing that would make it okay was talking to izzy. So I got on the computer and started messaging her. Hoping she’d take it back and we’d be together again. My mom came in shortly after and unplugged the computer while I was typing. And something in me snapped. My little brother had a friend over so they heard all of this. I started following her through the house, screaming and cussing at her. Finally I stormed outside and started walking down the road. I forget exactly what my mom said, but it was basically “Why are you so upset over some whore?” I froze. I felt more anger in that moment than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I turned around and screamed “Go to hell” as loud and as gratefully as I could. She just turned around and went back inside. At this point, I was rage-drunk and completely out of my mind. I’d busted my hand open to the bone on our metal car port. And the only thing I could keep screaming was “I just want to talk to her”. Eventually I ripped my vocal cords, but even then I still kept screaming. I was in so much pain and I just wanted it to stop. Finally my dad shows up bc my mom called for back up. And he only made things worse. He said “Ok what the hell is going on??” And I told him. And he goes “Just listen to your mom, okay? It’s not that difficult. This is not that big of a deal idk why you’re acting like this. If your mom says she doesnt want you talking to her, that’s the end of the story.” I yelled “I dont give a fuck what she wants right now” and he shoved me across the room and acted like he was gonna hit me. And then he left. The argument finally died down, and I went in my room, shut my door, and cried myself to sleep. The grief and trauma from this I felt for years after. 7 years now, to be exact. And I spent those 7 years destroying myself. Hurting myself with people I knew weren’t good for me. Putting myself in situations I knew would cause me pain. I also spent 7 years trying to find another her. Anyone who looked like her, sounded like her, acted like her. It became an obsession. At one point I carved her initials, KIL ironically enough, into my chest with a rusty steak knife. I cut my wrist to shreds. And to this day I’m still not the same. And the hurt I felt that night still stains my soul. On and off over that time we had contact and we made amends, and apologized and made everything right. I haven’t spoken to her or even seen her in 3 years. There’s no lesson to be taken from this story. I just thought I’d share it with all of you. I’ve long since moved on from this tragedy. I barely even think about it or Izzy anymore. I’m happily engaged and have a 3 month old son with the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and I’m right where I want to be now. Stay strong. Keep your head up