I am not honestly not doing ok right now I have been having a really off past couple of days. It’s so hard when memories that are negative come back when something simple triggers it. Or when a simple sound triggers it when it’s done by the person behind the reason I’m like this.
For instance, a semi-new trigger for me is sound-related, it basically happens when something is heavily placed onto the washing machine and dry or if my cats jump onto it to get up onto a shelf or to get down. The Sound reminds me of my father and what he’s done to put me in this position of this. It’s a long story. But to be honest i hate being so easily jumpy / triggered sometimes.
This hasnt been easy to reach out about this as i just cant really find the right words to say. As this is really hard . it sucks when specific event just play and play when you compare incidences feeling like they are just repeated but in a different environment. but within this environment, I’ve been in since 2021 ish. it sucks when certain things related or not trigger this .
I do not know where to begin with this one . this past monday me and my dad got into a small argument after i got out of work but it happened after my nap. I got a call from my father i tried civilly talking to him, i had told him i was already doing abunch of stuff for him and i just didnt want to leave the house … and i was starting to get upset and annoyed that he wasnt listening so i had hung up called my mother to let her know what was happening which she directed to me to talk to my sister . So i talked to my sister and then my sister talked to my father then i left my dad a note and he tried his best to appologize to me and i just felt like i didnt believe it because he didnt appologize to me when i was grabbed by my arms by him and another guy and placed in the car. He never apologized for the crap hes done . Its been so hard to trust him … I just dont know what to do at this point .
I also have a quick question, How do you tell someone you are in a long-distance relationship without having to face fear and judgment? Im Dating this guy whos in another state but have been afraid being judged as an adult . How can I trust that my family can accept it? I feel like my mother can accept it but im still nervous , But im nervous on telling my dad as i dont really trust him. What should i do?
The important thing is how the relationship is working for you. That’s far more important than your family’s acceptance. It’d be nice if they accepted it, but what if someone doesn’t? They don’t have a right to interfere. Families are more likely to accept member’s actions when they know if they didn’t, it wouldn’t make any difference, except to cause irritation.
There’s a couple of things you can do about the washer. One is desensitization where you deliberately create the sound until you become bored rather than upset by it. Another is to put a thick blanket on top of the washer when it’s not being used. It’ll probably slide off, cat and all, but eventually, the cat will get tired of the experience. Another thing would to put strips of tape sticky side up on the washer. The cat will get tired of that tape stuck to his/her feet pretty quickly.
I wasn’t convinced of my dad’s sincerity when he apologized to me. It felt like he didn’t understand how severe of an impact he had on my life. Finally, after he passed away, it occurred to me that at least he made an effort, and I should’ve been more accepting of his apathy, because he probably couldn’t help it.
It sounds like it might be hard for you to say no to him, and becoming irritated with him makes it easier to do it. It’s okay to say no to him, and at the same time not permit him to upset you. I also think it was okay to hang up.
Hi Ashley,
thank you for sharing your worries.
when it comes to family its always a bit more different. you were absolutely right to hand up. i did that last
week also, when my mum was making me angry with here actions lately, because of covid but thats another
topic. saying no to someone close is a bit hard sometimes, you have the right to do it. when i would have
the feeling the other one is not listening i had done the same.
when you are feeling comfortable with your relationship and it goes in the direction you want, when it makes
you happy, then no one has the right to say something, only you and your partner. your true friends and
family should accept that, when they see that it makes you happy. feeling nervous is a good thing, so it
shows that you take this serious.
you deserve that and you matter my friend, feel hugged and have a nice day
Greetings
Hey Ashley. My heart goes out to you. It sucks so much and is just so frustrating when we feel brought back to past pains, over and over. But EVEN MORE while we ARE aware that our reactions are, somehow, inappropriate to the present circumstances. I hate feeling divided between how my body reacts to something that revives past traumas, and what I know rationally as being true or not. Hard not to feel despaired, crazy of fundamentally broken when it seems that these situations happen over and over. It feels like being tied with puppet strings that trauma constantly plays with.
I want to send a reminder your way today, that you HAVE progressed, you HAVE made steps towards healing, and the way you share all of this, the way you see it and talk about it shows how much beyond the emotions it creates, you are able to keep some distance and see things as they are. You are able to name triggers, to identify them. For now, your body still have its own way to react, and unlearning that is the hardest, slowest, longest part. Still you are not the same person you were x years ago. You have grown and healed in many ways, and it’s especially during times like this one right now that it’s important to not lose sight of this growth. I know in my heart, in my core, how painful it is to go through that process or getting rid of what feels like mines in our life.
As for your long-distance relationship, I would say that you’re probably not going to share without fear of judgment, and that’s okay. Fear will be present, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good, peaceful talk with your family about it. I’d encourage you to eventually prepare some list of key points you absolutely want to address, things you don’t want to forget during the conversation. Also, to make sure that you set a good environment for this conversation: ask your family to be available at a specific time as you would like to talk, so they would know in advance that they would need to be mentally available at that time, and not distracted or doing something else. Take your time to breathe, anticipate eventually their questions and the way you’d like to respond to them so you wouldn’t be too surprised and will feel more in control. You got this, friend. :hrtleglove:
hey Ashley, I just wanted to encourage you and commend you on the growth that has already taken place. I know right now you’re in a new stage of pain, but you’re so aware of your triggers and your feelings in the moment. I’m sorry that you experienced the things that led to these triggers. You didn’t deserve that at all.
your sister sounds like she has been a good support for you when it comes to communicating with your dad. I’m really glad you have someone like her to be able to talk to. Have you found that talking to her has opened or changed the communication with your father in a positive way at all?
as we get older we get to decide how our relationships develop, who we keep close, who we disconnect with ect, and sometimes being able to talk to someone outside that dynamic can be helpful to gain perspective and insight as well. It can help guide us to heal ourselves and either forgive those who have hurt us, or we can learn to disengage from them. Have you been able at all to have that guidance and talk to a professional?
as far as long distant relationships, well, parents do worry. They worry when it’s not long distance. By the sounds you’ve mentioned that your mum would be more understanding, so perhaps you can talk to her about it. Let her know you’ve been talking to someone and you’re interested in them. Keep her in the loop a bit so she can get a sense of where it’s going. Some people will be happy, some people will have negative reactions, but it’s not about them, it’s about you and your relationship. As long as you’re being safe, then I say, go for it.