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(Trigger Warning) I feel like I'm going to relapse soon

I’ve been so happy, but latley I’ve been feeling that hole open back up inside of me. I’m starting to feel negative again, and getting flashes of images in my mind of hurting myself or, uk. I thought ignoring this would help. I’ve been trying my best to focus on the positives so much latley, but being happy has started to vanish, that feeling, it’s like work, it’s alot of work to even feel the least bit okay. I feel so empty, yet again. But I have a life I need to look forward to. It’s only in the next 2 months, that I’m really starting my life, but right now I feel like I’m being dragged back down this hole. It’s like I’m allergic to humanity. I can’t get close to someone or I feel like I want to die. It must be why I’m so close to animals, why I made it my career goal. Idk what’s causing these feelings to come up again, perhaps it’s medication, perhaps it’s a bad diet? I thought maybe it would be lack of getting out and doing things, but it varies. Idk. I just, I’m starting to worry I’ll realapse before college starts. And my whole life will go to shit again. I feel like something’s dragging me there. The people around me. It’s almost like the people around me make me feel like this, whether I talk to ppl or not. I’m starting to become horribly paranoid again. I think this depression has all come up again because of my mom’s husband. I want to kill him sometimes. He doesn’t shut the fuck up. And now I’m messing up at work, because I’m too slow or I get shit wrong. They always say, “You need to pay attention” I honestly don’t know what that means anymore, because my whole life that is something I’ve never been able to do. I know I’m going to get fired soon, because the one flaw in my job is something I can never fix. I’ve even tried to stop it. I’ve noticed that the issue doesn’t show up when I don’t make friends, don’t converse with people. But as soon as my emotions come in, I start talking to people, looking forward to their time, I can’t focus on my work anymore. My brain has been physically wired to only deeply focus on one thing at a time. In essence, I can focus on whatever tf I want to, but when dopamine becomes a factor, I can no longer have a quick tracked mind. I just, can’t. Idk how to fix it. Some days I feel like I can do anything, and other days I feel like this. Sometimes I think this is because of my diet. Perhaps I don’t eat enough, I was raised not being fed enough, so It could be connected to my focus problem. But why? Worthless, empty, everything just, gone but I can’t tell if it has to do with what I eat or not, or how often. And then I try to look within, and it’s 100x as hard. I know the only answer is peace, but I can’t do it in this mindset. I know in order to get better my mindset needs to switch, but sometimes it’s just stuck like this. I just hope I don’t do anything stupid before college starts. But at the same time, this job gives me a good example of how life will be when I start college, of how it will be if I can’t focus. And if I can’t even do my work, if I can’t even accomplish my dream goals, and my dream job, all because of this focusing problem, this depression, this fucking allergy to socializing. Then, I mine as well take my life.
I have two bottles I’ve been holding on to for almost half a year now, one can give me a heart attack, but with the side affects of severe paranoia and hyperactivity, and one, if done correctly, it will simply make my entire body system kill off all oxygen, I will pass out, and my skin will turn blue. And hopefully have an easy outlet of dying quickly. I would rather swallow the bottle I relate to the most, which is the first one. But I know swallowing pills doesn’t kill you that easily, and isn’t very rational, as the side affects will just lead me to admitting my attempt and I’ll turn up back in the hospital. But the second option should be painless if done correctly, as it is not pills.
I like to be logical, I have family who I care about, I have animals I want to take care of. But if I can’t do this, if I can’t even accomplish at being a human, then this is just my fate.
If there is a way to change my mindset quickly, I would like to know, seems even alters can’t help. My mindset affects the whole system.

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Hey friend,

I’ve read your post and hear all the things that are going on, in your life, in your mind - all the things that are pressuring you and wondering so many things at the same time, whether it’s work, family, social interactions, life goals… It’s a lot. And I hear you.

There’s a lot of things to discuss if you’re willing to, but as a priority right now I’d like to encourage you to get rid of those two bottles of pills. Unless those pills are treatments you need to take and in that case it would be good to let someone else keep the pills and organize them for you each month or week. Otherwise, you don’t need to keep them with you.

I know it feels like a relief to have this “exit door” in the back of your mind, and somehow it feels safe to keep next to us what we’d like to use to end our life. I’ve been there not so long ago, and I would lie if I’d say that sometimes I don’t regret or miss the things I intended to use, because suicidal thoughts just don’t go away suddenly. But at least now I am safe, especially in the moments when I can’t trust my mind. A very, very powerful step right now to deal with all the things you’ve mentioned here bravely, is to get rid of those pills in a safe way. To bring them back to the pharmacy if you can, or to throw them on the toilets. If there’s someone you trust who could help you for that, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

You don’t need to keep them with you. You don’t deserve any harm. We, in this community, want you to be safe and help you work on the obstacles you’re facing in your life.

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Well, I thought so much yesterday that I couldn’t shut myself up. I thought about using that technique I usually use to clam myself down, but I refrained, as I didn’t want to feel pain in my neck for the next week. Instead I tried to calm myself down. Extremely difficult, literally the only thing that distracted me was venting about it and watching YouTube. I still felt like shit but as I repeated over and over to myself it didn’t matter, if my brain reset itself the next day and rewrote all of those negative thoughts to what I was trying to tell myself to think. Bc the next day I felt completley fine. Right now, I was told to go home, extremely early. I’m defiently being fired very soon. But, instead of feeling horrible, I felt, idk, at peace. I finally got my paycheck, that’s been irritating me tf out lately. I ate a goodass breakfast, even if I didn’t feel lik eating. And right now, instead of a ride home, bc I have no ride today, Im walking. I feel much more peaceful, I’m not sure why. I’m not sure what did it.

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Hey friend, i am so so sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I will also agree unless you need the pills for your health… you should get rid of them. You dont need them. Have someone else hang onto them for you. When I was a freshman I also considered overdosing. I feel that pain. I feel the pain of having a tempting exit door. It haunted me. That really is the first step to recovery. In regards to college congratulations! Im so glad you will be in college soon. I am sorry about your job & how it is making you feel about your potential school situation but think about this: if you got all the way through highschool you can make it through college. Youre almost there. Have you considered seeking out therapy/ mental health help ? Therapy may help you through the process of changing your way of thinking. Please stay alive and stay strong. Keep us updated. You are so loved and you are not alone<3

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Yea. All will be okay until I do something wrong again. I have a tendency to immediatly break under pressure if I really make someone mad, annoy them, mess something up. My whole life I sort of strived to be perfect, good, serving whoever to the best of my abilities. So messing up really fucks with my head. Bullying has also done this. Even if it’s all in the past, it has affected my mindset and personality drastically. And now it has gotten to a point where I’m so tired of feeling shitty and ashamed I question why I care about my existence. I’m used to thinking without ego, always reminding myself I’ll fuck something up eventually, I’ll ruin someone’s day, I’ll make a fool out of myself in some stupid way. I lived with that mindset for so long that I forgot I even existed. I got so used to being hated that if I did something to embarrass myself I would have no emotion towards it. Bc I didn’t see myself as an existing human being, didn’t see my self worth. And I did that to cope. Because feeling emotions made them too strong, and it hurt me horribly. So I trained myself to turn that self worth off. I couldn’t deal with myself so I didn’t let other ppl either. Having people hate me hurts too much. Being judged, kills me inside. Those eyes… piercing into me… Full of hate and quietly telling me to just die. I’ve been so affected by them that I completley forgot I feared them. Ig alot of my childhood insecurities are still with me, and every time I do soemthign wrong I’m reminded of that past. I’m always judging myself harshly, because I know I don’t deserve better. If I can’t act like a normal human being, then I am worth nothing. The judgment in those eyes say it all. It says all I need to know. Those peircing eyes telling me to just kill myself. That dead look, fuck. I hate myself haha. I hate having emotions, I hate caring about people. I hate making mistakes. I hate fearing judgement of the people I care about. I hate it all. It hurts. I felt peace today, I need to sleep. I need to sleep before I lose my sanity once again. I felt so okay today, now it hurts again. Fuck.

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I sympathise with you. I understand what its like having a bad mindset. I used to hardcore hate myself ( still working on it) and I would make many self depreciating jokes and i completely tore myself down as a person. It was really bad. Im not sure how exactly I got myself
Out of it but I knew the first step of realizing my
Self worth was noticing the problem. You are aware of your problem. You know of it. Thats great. And hey. Being human can be so hard. I hate my feelings a lot too! The feelings that come with being human are not easy. Us talking on this support wall is evidence of that. Please do get some rest and I hope tomorrow is better <3 be kind to yourself. You are loved & are worth more than you know :black_heart:

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