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Trigger warning: I hate S** and I hate men

Over the years I have gone from a curious asexual egg, to being gay, to being traumatized by men, to hating men, and trying to like girls instead, and now I just don’t want to deal with anyone. I’m tired of my mom having a man in the house, every time he’s in my presence I just wish he’d cut off his dick.
So, after all these years, I’ve decided to finally get this off my chest. Just, finally be honest.
I hate men. They have absolutely ruined my life, and aside from having mostly male alters, and being male myself, I just hate men. They’re sick, they’re disgusting. My father was a child rapist, my half sister’s father was a elementary school flasher. My mom’s new husband is fucking weird, and I swear to God he’s a fucking creep. My ex best friend, the only friend I had, emotionally and physically abused me, and sexually manipulated me when I didn’t even understand what was going on. That made me try to kill myself, I went to the hospital, while in the hospital men tried to lure me to their rooms, men preyed on other girls way younger than them, some dude constantly talked about how they thought some chicks feet were sexy and wouldn’t leave her alone about it. Out of the hospital, I tried making friends again, made friends with two male social outcasts, one who previously sexually harassed me in the beginning of the year, that I ignored because I was so tired of caring, and the other that sexually harassed me in the future, when they invited me to hangout at their house. That was also a setup, they said their parents were home, but when I left they said their parents weren’t home, but they knew I was coming over. When I hungout with them, they also acted very off. Predatory, fucking freaks. Dude had a brother, one started jacking off in the back of the room, the other was doing something similar, just being fucking disgusting.
From then on I gave up on life. Tried to kill myself again, didn’t work, went back to school the next year, avoided those people, tried to make new friends, finally I made friends with people who I thought weren’t weird. They seemed okay, assholes, but okay, at least they weren’t pedophiles. Turns out one of them wanted to rape the teacher, and some weird shit about a pissing in her ears. I put up with it, because the other guys did, but then they started avoiding me. ME, OF ALL PEOPLE! I NEVER SAID A SINGLE DISGUSTING FUCKIGN THING. I WAS KIND, I WAS CONSIDRATE, I TRIED MY BEST TO SOCILIZE WHILE BEING AFRAID I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG, AND THEY CHOSE TO OSTRASIZE AND BULLY ME .
After that, I tried talked to another guy, the only one who was nice to me. I know his kindness was just an act, but the thought counts you know? I’m pretty sure he was the one that ostracized me. Just felt guilty or some shit.
Skip to when I had a crush on one of the guys in another class, who I thought was kind, seemed to be part of the ostracization. He was also a freak. He had a heart, but he was fucked up.
After that, I told my female friend about it, who was already an asshole, but meant well. They knew what I was going through, but their mind was too red to handle anything emotional, so they cut me off, calling me childish, stupid, and entitled. And after that, I lost my last close friend
Right before covid came, I talked to a guy because he had serious emotional issues. I told him about my life, what those two brothers did, and he laughed, and said it was all in my head. I cut myself 3 times, deep cuts that weren’t able to get stitches because I was hiding it for too long. That same guy who had apologized began telling me how shitty I was, how annoying I was, I didn’t even do anything. Then he got his friend to say some nasty shit to me then block me.
Then covid came around, the first time in my life I felt free. No one to bitch to me, no one to harass me, no one to control me. Almost. There was one last person, he wasn’t so bad, but he concerned me. I know he meant well, but I just couldn’t take it. He… Was a bit sexually odd, I didn’t judge him because he had been texting me about it for 5 years, and I got used to it, only thing that bothered me was his phsycopathy and sexuality directed at me. I wanted to be friends, but I could tell there was no more room for anyone in my life. I was tired. I didn’t want anyone in my life anymore. I just wanted to be alone. He got the point after a while, and hopefully, is gone for good. So, after that, I had no more friends. And instead of feeling scared, and empty, I feel, so free. After all of that, I just can’t take talking to anyone anymore, other than my alters.
I can’t bear becoming close to someone, making connections.
After all that, I enrolled to a mostly girls college, and I feel much safer, but still uneasy, as I don’t like people in general. Our teacher has started talkign about sex, as it’s an important thing for the course. It’s weirding, creeping, and grossing me out. And making me very dysphoric, as they say. “A man had a pnis and a female has a v***na, and that’s that.” And they talk about impregnation and shit. How we will have to work with sexual organs. And all of that is bringing back these horrible and terrifying memories, and uncomfortable dysphoria.

Literally no friend in my life has treated me well, whether it was male or female. My point is, every traumatic thing that has happened to me, was because of a man.

This is pretty much my life story.

-X

Sidenote by Niko: We are trying to figure ourselves out from this situation as well, as we didn’t show up until these things happened. I would like to know why most of us are male, and why it’s so hard to protect X from these emotions. That is all.

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Geez, you know the phrase “every time you come up for a breath you get hit by another wave”…reading your story felt like somehow you got hit by waves while you were underwater before you even came up for another breath…

People just feel like pain. What’s the point of trust? I guess for temporary companionship? But you know the way it always ends…pain. So you have to live this life of fake/illusionary hope that someone is going to care, and you let your heart hope time and time again, and it just feels like what is there left of you? It has all gotten stomped, abused, raped, manipulated, bullied…I don’t know, it feels like – is there something wrong with me? Why is life / everyone so terrible to me? Why are MEN so terrible to me? It makes you wish that you could live in a bubble – covid does feel like a dream…it’s like – an excuse to not be around these beings that only wish to harm and disgust me? SIGN ME UP. That’s why the girls college is so appealing. And man, when reading your story, I’m like SIGN HER UP!!! I know that you’ve experienced pain no matter where you seem to try to hide, and so it is hard to hold up any kind of hope, even when you feel like you have identified the source of the problem and put yourself in situations where you feel like you might be able to avoid that source…it just feels like even in the best cases in your life pain finds you. Like it’s hunting for you. And you can hide, but you can’t go rogue or invisible. It’s terrifying to feel powerless…

I only know snippets about your life, so I don’t have answers but just observations that may help you in your own self-analysis.

Perhaps you have male alters because it feels like being male has power. And they can defend you in some sense from the evil power out there by having stronger power inside of you.

And the difficulty that you face in protecting yourself (X) from these emotions is for obvious reasons – things are terrible!! To not feel would be to turn yourself into some kind of robot. I mean splintering your inner life is a way of trying to self-protect, self-soothe, self-compartmentalize, but if you were to turn off X’s emotions, wouldn’t you…lose? Isn’t living, feeling, breathing, a kind of defiance of the disgust and horror that has happened to you? That you are able to rise and rise again despite the tragedies? In that sense, FEELING, surviving, RISING – aren’t these the very things that make your life worth living? Even if what you’re feeling and surviving isn’t fair, and it’s terrible – if you weren’t to feel, wouldn’t these people be taking the last of your faculties from you? If you can’t feel…I don’t know what the point is. In your feeling, you may see a victim, but I see courage and strength. To not let your heart be taken completely.

I wish I knew how to help keep these terrible things from happening to you. I know your alters probably feel the same way. What’s happening to you is terrible and disgusting and bad and all of the things that you say they are – they really are all of those things. And I don’t blame you for wanting to blot out every male on the planet…it feels like maybe there’d be a chance to be safe…whatever that is…it makes sense. Your sweet heart is just looking for a safe place to land, safe people to be around, somewhere where pain isn’t the inevitable and only ending of your story. THAT MAKES SENSE. And in the meantime, you fighting to keep your heart alive is incredibly courageous. And I’m glad you have this un-snuffable fire within you that defies the evil in your life. It is a beautiful strength.

-Nate

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This was beautifully said, and exactly how I feel. And yea, I’m basically so tired of being dunked under water that I just don’t care anymore, if I get cornered by someone again I will just pull out a knife and stab them, I’ll call the police calmy, explain calmy, and just completley forget about it, because that’s how tired I am of trash like that thinking it can crawl up my leg.

That’s the point of my alters, if I can’t make connections to people in the real world, I’ll just stick with what I know. And that’s my systemmates. Sure they’re loud, and maybe a little bossy, and some super lazy, but at least I know that we can pull the walls down and be real with eachother. Be honest about things.

This resonated with me. Me giving people a second chance every time, caring about them too much and getting manipulated or gaslighted into thinking I was wrong. Being told again and again I was stupid for forgiving. But I wasn’t, I just thought that humanity could be better than that. But they aren’t, they’re shitty animals. I despaired from it and I was told to shut the fuck up and just put a smile on my face, like the rest of the world does. What the fuck? NO. What humane person would do that? None. Like you said, what makes us Human is our emotions, without that, we become the trash Earth despises. And I will not let myself be drug down to that level.

And yes, back then I felt like there was no escape, that I was powerless and I couldn’t run or hide, that it finds me anyways. but I realized, that I don’t need to run from anything. Not anymore, I have nothing to hide from. And if something comes after me, it will be running from me. That’s actually the reason most of the time I was ostracized by ppl, bc I would lash out and scare them, and they would lash back out by saying I was crazy, and turning all my friends on me. I didn’t realize then that I had won until I saw everyone I thought I knew leave me. People leaving wasn’t a sign of me being stupid or wrong, it was a sign that I scared them enough to make them turn everyone against me. And sure, that pisses me off, but the reputation is my shield. And although I started to get bullied, I showed clear signs that I wasn’t going to just let myself get hurt, I outright threatened and attacked, creeped them out. The only way to stop becoming the prey is to become the predator, I said that to the brothers once. They didn’t understand with their disgusting mind, but they eventually caught on. Avoided me, and feared me as they should. Trash like that should not feared, it should be burnt at the stake. -X

Niko- To clear things up a bit, every negative event has ended about a year ago, with the online texting creep stopping about a month or 2 ago. Ever since he has been agitated and waiting for someone to pounce on him, with no one there, so it has made his fear bored, and it makes up a bunch of paranoid thoughts. Because of that, (I can’t decide either) he has been repeatedly creeped out by his mom’s husband. I’ve noticed tho the skinnier and weaker her husband gets, the less he fears him. I have also linked that to how he tends to be attracted to very femenine guys, but does not seem to actually like them as he calls them “bitchy” and “secret freaks”. He seems to be attracted to the “hidden” aspect of male personality as well, which is usually shy and quiet, but I’ve noticed he mistakes creepiness, dangerous, and unstable for shy and quiet. He is unable to phrase a guy he likes as a man, but can phrase them as male. I see it as a fear of toxic masculinity, he’s always seems angered/triggered by that. Although he likes guys, he wishes he liked girls instead. He identifies himself as male because of how uncomfortable he is being seen as female.
Back into the issue with his mom’s husband, I don’t blame him for being creeped out. Our mom has always been, kind of bad with “types” and very naive, so there is more to the list of creeps he had to deal with as a child that were his mom’s friends or boyfriend. His sister has been traumatized by X’s father too, almost becoming a target when she was little. This makes X feel that his sister is the only safety he truly has, and although he loves his mother, he doesn’t trust her sense of judgement at all. Latley he has been feeling fine, but he worries as college starts and he talks to people again, he will fear for his safety again. We came up with the decision that he should just not make close friends with men, and definetly not date men. And hopefully one day there will be someone he meets who isn’t a man that he can freely fall in love with. But with his absolutely confused sexuality, we can only hope.
One more thing I’ve noticed, his fear of men has been dug in ever since he was sexually manipulated by his only phsycopathic friend. When previously, there were clearly men he should have feared, but he did not fear them until after what happened to him, because after that long situation, he started opening his eyes and seeing how many times he was almost molested even before the fucked up friend situation.

And yes, we do feel the same way. My hatred of that disgusting pig he was forced into believing was his friend absolutely outweighs my usual calm happy and jolly self. If I were to ever see him I would kill him, I sometimes see it as X’s deeply hidden emotions of the past that he couldn’t deal with, so he gave them to someone else. In this case me.
In the end, there is alot of us, that have alot to say about this. But we are only answering what we can in the moment, as we don’t have all the answers. The purpose of telling his story is so maybe he can find someone with explanations, or maybe if we write it enough, we will get answers. But I will never let X come into harm’s way again. Which is hard to promise, because I wasn’t there for him when he got in a wreck. But, I can at least say I will not let him be overcome by those emotions again, and I won’t let him be controlled again.

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