Over the years I have gone from a curious asexual egg, to being gay, to being traumatized by men, to hating men, and trying to like girls instead, and now I just don’t want to deal with anyone. I’m tired of my mom having a man in the house, every time he’s in my presence I just wish he’d cut off his dick.
So, after all these years, I’ve decided to finally get this off my chest. Just, finally be honest.
I hate men. They have absolutely ruined my life, and aside from having mostly male alters, and being male myself, I just hate men. They’re sick, they’re disgusting. My father was a child rapist, my half sister’s father was a elementary school flasher. My mom’s new husband is fucking weird, and I swear to God he’s a fucking creep. My ex best friend, the only friend I had, emotionally and physically abused me, and sexually manipulated me when I didn’t even understand what was going on. That made me try to kill myself, I went to the hospital, while in the hospital men tried to lure me to their rooms, men preyed on other girls way younger than them, some dude constantly talked about how they thought some chicks feet were sexy and wouldn’t leave her alone about it. Out of the hospital, I tried making friends again, made friends with two male social outcasts, one who previously sexually harassed me in the beginning of the year, that I ignored because I was so tired of caring, and the other that sexually harassed me in the future, when they invited me to hangout at their house. That was also a setup, they said their parents were home, but when I left they said their parents weren’t home, but they knew I was coming over. When I hungout with them, they also acted very off. Predatory, fucking freaks. Dude had a brother, one started jacking off in the back of the room, the other was doing something similar, just being fucking disgusting.
From then on I gave up on life. Tried to kill myself again, didn’t work, went back to school the next year, avoided those people, tried to make new friends, finally I made friends with people who I thought weren’t weird. They seemed okay, assholes, but okay, at least they weren’t pedophiles. Turns out one of them wanted to rape the teacher, and some weird shit about a pissing in her ears. I put up with it, because the other guys did, but then they started avoiding me. ME, OF ALL PEOPLE! I NEVER SAID A SINGLE DISGUSTING FUCKIGN THING. I WAS KIND, I WAS CONSIDRATE, I TRIED MY BEST TO SOCILIZE WHILE BEING AFRAID I WAS DOING IT ALL WRONG, AND THEY CHOSE TO OSTRASIZE AND BULLY ME .
After that, I tried talked to another guy, the only one who was nice to me. I know his kindness was just an act, but the thought counts you know? I’m pretty sure he was the one that ostracized me. Just felt guilty or some shit.
Skip to when I had a crush on one of the guys in another class, who I thought was kind, seemed to be part of the ostracization. He was also a freak. He had a heart, but he was fucked up.
After that, I told my female friend about it, who was already an asshole, but meant well. They knew what I was going through, but their mind was too red to handle anything emotional, so they cut me off, calling me childish, stupid, and entitled. And after that, I lost my last close friend
Right before covid came, I talked to a guy because he had serious emotional issues. I told him about my life, what those two brothers did, and he laughed, and said it was all in my head. I cut myself 3 times, deep cuts that weren’t able to get stitches because I was hiding it for too long. That same guy who had apologized began telling me how shitty I was, how annoying I was, I didn’t even do anything. Then he got his friend to say some nasty shit to me then block me.
Then covid came around, the first time in my life I felt free. No one to bitch to me, no one to harass me, no one to control me. Almost. There was one last person, he wasn’t so bad, but he concerned me. I know he meant well, but I just couldn’t take it. He… Was a bit sexually odd, I didn’t judge him because he had been texting me about it for 5 years, and I got used to it, only thing that bothered me was his phsycopathy and sexuality directed at me. I wanted to be friends, but I could tell there was no more room for anyone in my life. I was tired. I didn’t want anyone in my life anymore. I just wanted to be alone. He got the point after a while, and hopefully, is gone for good. So, after that, I had no more friends. And instead of feeling scared, and empty, I feel, so free. After all of that, I just can’t take talking to anyone anymore, other than my alters.
I can’t bear becoming close to someone, making connections.
After all that, I enrolled to a mostly girls college, and I feel much safer, but still uneasy, as I don’t like people in general. Our teacher has started talkign about sex, as it’s an important thing for the course. It’s weirding, creeping, and grossing me out. And making me very dysphoric, as they say. “A man had a pnis and a female has a v***na, and that’s that.” And they talk about impregnation and shit. How we will have to work with sexual organs. And all of that is bringing back these horrible and terrifying memories, and uncomfortable dysphoria.
Literally no friend in my life has treated me well, whether it was male or female. My point is, every traumatic thing that has happened to me, was because of a man.
This is pretty much my life story.
-X
Sidenote by Niko: We are trying to figure ourselves out from this situation as well, as we didn’t show up until these things happened. I would like to know why most of us are male, and why it’s so hard to protect X from these emotions. That is all.