Trigger warning//non consensual

When I was 5, I think I was raped. I have this scenario in my head that is the exact same and in the end I always end up lying without clothes, on a bedroom floor. I don’t remember the details or who it was, but i’m pretty sure it happened. Whenever I think of that scenario, I associate things and feelings that happen now and when I was younger. I never knew the idea of s*x or anything related but when I was 6 or 7, I did things with another girl my age after she agreed. It was a game between us and I never knew where any of these thoughts came from but I think it was my brain remembering what had happened to me… I still feel absolutely horrible about what i’d done when I was younger with that other girl and I truly hope that she was able to forget about that… I just want to know what happened to me and why I now feel heartbroken when I think back on when I was 5 during that scenario… i’m sorry if anybody thinks i’m disgusting and don’t deserve help because of what I did to the other girl when I was younger… I understand you.

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Hi @echo - Thank you for sharing your story here. It sounds like whatever happened, it left an impression on you. I can tell you feel badly about what you did as a child, but it is good to remember that when we are young we do not have the full capacity to understand the true nature and consequences of our actions. It is important to remember, but give yourself grace and forgiveness for something that was so far out of your control.

I can empathize with this type of abuse, and I can tell you that the experience and journey is so different across everyone I have ever spoken to. Your story is really important to your healing, but it can feel like recalling a nightmare sometimes. Trauma is very serious, and it can cause our brain to behave in really misunderstood ways. You are not undeserving for anything that happened, nor are you disgusting.

You matter, and I hope you find a safe space with someone trained to counsel trauma so you can discover more about your feelings toward that time in your life.

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You shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever!!! we all look back at things in the past and wish we hadnt done it but that all you/we knew at the time.
Plus at that age you had absolutely no idea of anything sexual and Im really sorry you think you may have been raped as a child. That’s absolutely horrible and even harder that you don’t actually know. All i know is you cant blame yourself or feel bad in anything you feel you have done. You were only a kid and you never know maybe that other kid looks back from time to time and feels bad too or more likely doesn’t even remember or even jokes about it if they do

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Hey @echo,

You are not disgusting. You are not a monster. And of course you are deserving of help, of compassion and love. You were very young when you did those things with your friend. You couldn’t understand what is sexuality nor what doing this was implying for both of you.

I am sorry you’re dealing with painful memories, feelings, emotions. And I’m sorry you are in this position of wondering if something happened to you. Our memory works in a very strange way, especially in regards of trauma. It can be hard to keep a sense of reality sometimes. Just like forgetting can be a way to survive through the years.

Obviously, I don’t know what happened to you when you were young. But I’ve been in a similar process in the past, and still am sometimes. For what it’s worth, I think it’s important to give your heart and your mind the time it needs to process and heal. Not to try to force anything. I know it can be very disturbing and frustrating, to feel that something’s wrong without being really able to name it. It can make you very vulnerable. But it’s also very positive that you’ve been able to share all of this, to actually describe what’s going on for you right now.

Thank you for trusting us with your story. Not even just now, but for each time you posted on the Support Wall.

I hope, with all my heart, that time will help you. I also hope you will surround yourself with all the support you need - personal and professional - to handle this. You are not alone. :hrtlegolove:

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