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Trigger warning & secret

Ay so I’m really scared to even share this with the anonymity bc it’s something that people would assume is ridiculous, but Idek. I’m gonna have to just say it ay, otherwise how would you even know.

I’ve been going to a lot of parties lately. I don’t really like talking to people and I’m not really friends with anyone, I’m just sorta invisible and can slip in and out kinda thing. So this one party not long ago I’m like just hanging out and maybe I like to steal drinks and get buzzed or drunk. Anyway I know there’s some people there who don’t like me much and I just avoid them as much as I can, and that usually does it.
But there I am just minding my own business and I walk down the hall into this room because I’m feeling like this dude won’t stop watching in my direction. I know I can get paranoid when I drink.
I’m thinking he wants to start something or wants to just remind me I’m the loser and he’s the dominate one.
So this guy follows me down into the room and grabs my throat. I panic and just freeze because u mint really all that athletically built ay. So this guy ends up … what do I say. Violating… it feels wrong to even say it man, like I know if I say anything then people will 1. Not believe that this particular person would ever do that and 2. Say that I was so drunk that I’d probably be the one to try have a crack on to anyone I could get my hands on.
I’m not into other guys and I’m not overly into sexual stuff anyway. I’m just honestly trying to trick myself into laughing about it all because what the absolute hell otherwise am I going to do?
I’ve probably messed this up proper because now I can’t stop getting drunk to try pass out.
There’s a shit bit about me. Sorry it’s probably really long and unreadable

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Being drunk is NOT and never will be justification for being taken advantage of.
You were violated against your will, without your consent.

I believe you. And I’m so sorry that you experienced such a terrible thing.
Can you see a therapist to help you through this? Drinking may help dull the pain for a bit, but having a therapist will help you safely navigate what just happened to you.

Again, I’m so sorry that this happened. You matter, and you’re still the wonderful person you always were. This has not changed you in any way. Please take care of yourself, friend. You matter and you deserve to feel safe and supported. We’re here to remind you of that.

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Hi and thank you for your reply, I haven’t spoken to anyone about it. I am totally frightened to even keep thinking about it. It feels like somehow everyone looks at me and can just see into my soul and knows everything. I know that sounds right silly ay, but I don’t know how else to describe it.

I don’t know who I’d even try to tell if I told anyone. Like if I told someone, would they tell someone or make me tell someone else. What would happen if the person involved found out I did tell. Lots of things keep me want to stay quiet about it.
Like if I did have to say anything I’d probably trust my step brother or my step dad the most.

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! Welldone for posting! The best idea is to tell somone with higher authority like a police officer about what happened as its not good that you’re keeping it private what happened. As this dude needs to be stopped before he does it to more and more people and getting away with it.

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From: I Am Reclaimer

Hey friend, I commend you for reaching out to this forum - that is strength. Just like the other reply to this, being drunk is still no excuse for something like this to even casually happen. That said, it sounds like you’re dealing with the aftermath of intense and conflicting emotions that happen. To be honest, I believe you, but you should reach out to someone of authority to report this to as this shouldn’t hae to happen to anyone and you shouldn’t have to hide from this event from happening. I know it may seem really hard right now and that you’re doing the right thing, but if this person did it to you, what’s going to stop him from doing it to other people? I can speak for a lot of people here at HeartSupport…we’re here for you.

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I get like people sayin that I should tell bc of the chance they could do it to someone else and all, like yeah I feel guilty about that, but I also feel pretty terrified of all their friends aye. People don’t really like want to throw their mates under the bus when it comes to these things.
I know it makes me a shitty person and the guilt eats at me don’t worry. I’ve been getting high and self harming nearly every day

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Hey keelinit, listen as Sita stated, being drunk isn’t an excuse to harm anyone in any way. People like to use it, but when it comes to violent and loathe some acts like you experienced, there is no accidents.

I’m so sorry you experienced this hurt and have been keeping it to yourself, and I’m so sad to hear you feel like your only release is to self medicate and harm.
I’d hate to see you continue to hurt yourself in that way, and I know it feels like the only control you can hang on to when something out of your control has so heavily impacted you.

This is not your fault, you are not the one who has to bear any guilt. You’re not to blame. I can’t say what will happen if you come forward, but I do hope you find some way to reach out to someone who can at least listen and ease this pain you’re feeling.
We genuinely care about you and would love to see you get the deserved help you need to heal.

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Hi @KeelinIt

Its nice to meet you and just as everyone has already said one of the most important things here is that you know this is nothing that you have done or encouraged. You were in no way responsible for any of this and there is no excuse for what happened.

Just to clarify, if you fear talking to a professional like a therapist etc because you think they may expect you to go to the police then please don’t worry, they cannot make you report a crime but they will be able to help you to work your way through what happened and hopefully make it easier to manage. You have hurt enough, I don’t want you to hurt anymore not by anyone else or by your own hand. We of course are here but a therapist can help you on a one to one more intense basis and you deserve that help and that peace of mind.
You are loved Keelinit.
Lisa x

Hi keelinlt, I’m glad you came here and trusted us enough to talk about what has happened to you. That was a brave thing to do. I agree with others who have responded that this was not your fault, and being drunk does not make what this guy did, okay. Being drunk doesn’t make what he did right.

As someone who was experienced the same thing - I remember the feelings of shame, guilt, fear and anger (mostly with myself for letting it happen). I will tell you this was not your fault and I would encourage you to find a very trusted counselor or therapist to talk to. Please don’t try to ride this out, keep it a secret or wait to see if it goes away. Please talk to someone, you don’t have to report it to the police unless you feel strong enough for that. BUT - please get help for you. Numbing yourself with alcohol or drugs and self harming to cope with this pain is only going to hurt you more - and you don’t deserve that. You are worth far more than you realize and getting help is the first step in reclaiming your personal power and strength. Please, as you feel able, let us know how you are doing. You are loved here.

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Thank you for all you all has to say. Like it’s not easy. I see this person a lot. I said something like … kind of briefly said something to my step brother. He’s a good person and he ants to help. I made him promise to just keep it close for now.
I got suspended bc of my stupidity in being intoxicated and bringing alcohol onto the premises. For a little while anyway. I know they suspect there’s something going on and people keep asking me and saying that I’m not right. Ay I’m just sort of scared of the same old things I mentioned. I know that I’m responsible for getting over it. It’s just a little terrifying when people are like the bigger and stronger person. If they did this then what else will they do? I’d rather them end me than that again to be honest.
Thank you all again. I know it takes a lot of time to read and respond to people and I know you all have other things to do and more job priority posts to respond to ay. So thank you genuinely.

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Hi again, thank you for the update.
I can promise you that you are no less of a priority than anyone else who posts here, I am grateful that you have somewhere that you feel safe to come to and open up and you are welcome to do that whenever you feel you need to, there is no limit and not one person who responds minds giving their time or their support. We choose to do this because we care.
I am sorry you got suspended from work, I hope ti wont be for too long, you are still clearly trying to comprehend what happened and the fact that you still see this person on a regular basis must make that even more difficult.
I am glad that you have managed to confide in your step brother and I hope that it has helped a bit having been able to do that.
You do not have to “get over it” it has happened and I guess in some way we have to eventually learn to live with bad things that happen that we cannot change and move forward from them but it takes time and sometimes help to do that. What happened was horrid and wrong and not deserved and you take all the time you need to manage it.
In the meantime you post as often as you like and I reiterate what I said before, You could attend therapy without any fear of them making you report this.
You are so valued.
Lisalovesfeathers. x

1 Like