I really miss the #talkitout channel, so I´ll do it a little bit here.
Reason why I can´t go to ward that I have to go normally I´ll explain it here using the example of my last visit for 2 months on that ward undtil ~3 weeks ago.
Many s#it happened the past year. I mean that for the past year I spend more than 80% in closed ward. Few years ago it was possible to go to one of 3 wards for my Postcode Section/Area. And even if that wasn´t possible they had the oppurturnity to send me to an other ward for other sections of my city. Now there is only 1 ward for each section of the city. That means, if I´m in huge trouble because of anxiety or suicidal thought/plans I have to go there on my own will together with people who got there against their will and most time I´m the only patient of the whole ward who doesn´t have schizophrenia or a heavy psychotic episode.
The following text could be very triggering, so I put a general —trigger warning— until the “>>>>>>” and I have extra trigger warnings at every part of my text with decription of the content the text part is about.
The last time I went there it was because I had anxiety everywhere where I was. I didnt felt safe anywhere and that causes heavy suicidal thoughts. After 1 week it was better and I was already able to spent the first Saturday at my moms house and we planned to go to my appartement the next day. But at that night I was heavily attacked by 2 other inpatients, that werent psychotic. They do know what they did at that time and ware aware of their actions and consequences for me. I was hit nearly paraplegic and unconscious. You can´t imagine the way they manage to do that while the nurses and other inpatiens tried to help me.
Trigger warning begin, explicit discribing of how they harmed me
I was so scared that I´m going to become paraplegic because one (the woman) was holding my hair and hitting my face 30-50 times against the floor, wall and tables, while the other one was hitting with a guitar on my back and backside of my head and attacked (he, nearly 2m, very muscular) EVERYBODY who tried to help me. The nurses had no other opporturnity than calling the police. They were so busy with keeping the woman away from me, that the man hold my wrist so heavily, that old self harm wounds opened again and blood was everywhere on the floor and tables after both patients were kept away from me.
*Trigger end of discribing how they harmed me
So the nurses activated the intern hospital alarm, that means every nure in the whole hospital get an very loud special alarm on their phone, they have to keep with them all the time. They managed to take the woman away from me before the police arrived. I was so done! I was in such pain and I only wanted to die and told the nurses that were there, that I´m going to do everything that the police is forced to shoot me dead. The moment the police arrived I was waiting in front of the door and started action, grabbing to their guns and so on. First they were very angry about me, then I told them what happened. While I started to tell what happened the nurses and the police always went few steps away to cry and hold their tears again. They were shocked. The doctor of this night shift was definetly traumatised.
The doctor promised that 1 of us 3 will be send to an other ward 100% promise. The police said, if they want to send the man to another ward, they should call before so they can send 3 cars for him.
The morning shift knew about that one of us should be send to another ward, but nothing happened. The late shift said they didn´t know anything about that plan. The night shift suddendly knew about the plan, that one of us 3 should be send to another ward, but because of the extreme section of the wards, they weren´t able to send one of us to another ward.
I asked what I should do, because I wasn´t able to leave my room because of anxiety and both were walking freely at the ward. They told me that I shouldn´t leave my room and are allowed to smoke in my bathroom. If the 2 starting to attack me again, they weren´t able to help me. They would go into their room, and alert the police and the intern hospital alarm and had to wait until they get support. Until the support is there they could hit me as hard as they want to. Nice news.
So the next 6 days I didn´t left my room once. They protected the still aggressive duo. 2 days after they attacked me, they attacked the nurses and then the “leader” of all wards came to the ward and send a 24/7 security man for the nurses room. I was invisible. It didn´t mattered how I felt, it didn´t mattered that I was alone with myself in a room for 2 patients, but there were 3 in the room. Even if they asked me how I feel and what I´m planing to do next, I said that I´m going to hang myself in the bathroom now. Nothing happened. Only my redicoulus attemt to hand myself while sitting on the floor in the bathroom.
I have filed a criminal complaint against both of them.
Trigger warning again, suicide and so on
I don´t know when it happened, but few days after this trash situation happened I was caught in the bathroom now hanging with my feet in the air and they cut me down and bound me on my bed. I told the doc, that came that I have time and I´ll just have to wait until they will unbound me to try it again. And that was excactly what happened. after 1h of the first attempt of the day I tried it again in the same bathroom. And then they gave me the ultimate “we can bound you whenever we want to” paragraph, so I wasn´t able to give it another try that day…
After I was free I left the ward after I´ve done 2 more attemts, the last one was 1 night before I left.
Now the promlem I have
I think I need to be inpatient. I think it´s dangerous to be out of hospital at the moment. I´m on a waiting list for the emergency ward of another hospital, but the hospital says I still have to wait 6-8 weeks.
I mean being inpatient doesn´t mean that I want to get help, that´s a huge misunderstanding. I just want to survive at least a little bit longer than few days. It´s just winning a little bit of time. But I don´t think I can make it until they call me and have a free bed for me in 6-8 weeks. wtf.
How can I get inpatient help fast, if one hospital have the monopol for all areas of my city and they´ll send me to the same ward where 3 inpatients are that make my life even more difficult/scared/WORSE???so that´s not the way how I could survive the time until I can go to the other hospital!