Hello, this is my first post so forgive me for any incorrectness.
I have lived a stressful life thus far and continue to struggle with things on a daily basis and feel stuck, here is the rundown. I suffered from sexual abuse as a child (currently male 19) and was obese for the entirety of my younger years. After entering high school I suffered multiple sport injuries that resulted in me loosing weight through being depressed and becoming bulimic in the process I became the best looking person at my small high school. After I was previously ignored by the majority of girls I was immersed in attention and I loved it. until my junior year I met my girlfriend and we started dating and I immediately cut everyone else off she didn’t do the same at first but after some constant explanation and finding some things she was trying to hide from me. After that we maintained a relationship that was founded on us being together 24/7 we were always together before and after school and often times I felt as if I never had time for myself. Although I felt this way I pushed it down and suffered through it to preserve her feelings because I never wanted to make her upset (she had enough to deal with at home already). a year and some months passed and I reached out to a girl that I had previously wanted a relationship with because our relationship started to feel toxic because of constant arguing and me feeling as if I wasn’t enough. we both entered college at separate locations and continued to talk to the other girl for two months reveling to her my history of sexual abuse and creating a bond all while keeping this a secret from my girlfriend. After this time she had found out resulting in a meltdown of my emotions. although she decided to give me another chance, I attempted to kill myself on many occasions, my grades plummeted, I had a bad habit of physical and mental abuse to myself, I lost all friends, cut out social media and started taking antidepressants. it has been six months since the incident and I have put on 30 pounds, am woken up on almost a nightly basis by phonecalls resulting in arguments and have put myself in this position that I feel no self worth and exist only to make her happy. I understand I messed up and now feel little self worth, I struggle with controlling my actions (recently diagnosed with ADHD) and essentially feel as if I do nothing but mess everything up no matter the situation. I feel worthless and am once again struggling with bulimia and feel as if nothing will ever change and I will never escape the hole dug for myself. I love my girlfriend and do not want to break up because although we have bad times I feel as if it is worth it because the good outweighs them.
First, welcome to the forum. I’m glad that you decided to take the time to reach out and share some of your story. I’m sorry that there has been so many things that have laid heavy on you, however. As someone who has suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, I know how that can linger over your head and play heavily into your mental health and relationships ongoing in your life. I also know how hard it can be talk about it, especially to those who make us feel like we are not good enough and are not valued.
I’m not sure where to start, but it sounds like it may be worth having a heart to heart with your girlfriend about the things you are struggling with. Communication is so important. You both should be able to talk to each other about your feelings and the hardships you are going through. And you both should be able to do that without the other making you feel bad for it. I’m sure there is a lot of good to your relationship as you have stated that the good outweighs the bad. But it’s so important in order for a relationship to flourish, to be able to be open to one another. Maybe you guy scan talk about how this can be improved upon. Seems you guys fight a lot. What is causing these fights?
I have often found that it is easier to tell people, that I will talk to them when we are both calm. I try not to handle things when we are heated because arguing rarely resolves anything and often leads to hurting each other. Instead I put the effort to express we can talk about it once we feel less frustrated and can talk through it and a better time.
I can understand the upset of your girlfriend for talking to someone behind her back. You did something hurtful, but you do deserve forgiveness. It seems she gave that to you by staying with you.That’s great. What do you think are things that could or should happen to help you in your relationship so you can feel better about yourself and the things that are currently bothering you within it?
You mentioned you are taking anti-depressants, does that mean you are seeing a therapist too? This often makes such a huge difference. To pair medication with therapy. So that you have a safe place to offer guidance and direction in the areas you are having a hard time. Plus a safe place to serve as an outlet.
Is it just your relationship that is making you feel worthless? What all has you feeling so hard on yourself? I know you mentioned that you gained some weight, which I can understand and relate to. I’m at my highest weight right now and I often struggle with my own self worth. But it’s important that you know my friend that your weight and appearances are not what makes or breaks your value. Or you being worthy of love.
Friend, why do you feel like nothing will ever change? What are some things that you feel should change in order to help with how you are feeling? Like right now, if you could change the things you feel that never will, what things would you change?
Don’t apologize. You expressed yourself just fine. I see you. I hear you. Lets talk about it a little bit.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to my post I appreciate your insight. To answer a few questions you asked:
Seems you guys fight a lot. What is causing these fights?
For the most part the main cause of the fights we have is my lack of communication. For example if I am doing something such as watching TV and I wonder off and do something else like make food or assist a family member with a particular task I fail to relay the fact that I am no longer watching TV. This worries her because she has always had trust issues and believes if I am not responding I am doing something to hurt her. This is not something I just choose not to do for I have pretty bad ADHD and often times get lost in a different task or thought, and forget about texting or fail to see I received a message to begin with. She also always has the notion I don’t care about her when I fail to respond even when I do so much for her, its like when one bad thing happens it erases all good I have contributed. Also her anxiety and constant overthinking can cause arguments, however I am still the root of the argument because she thinks about the past and constantly becomes angry with me. I would say we argue every other day to every three days about these particular things.
What do you think are things that could or should happen to help you in your relationship so you can feel better about yourself and the things that are currently bothering you within it?
The reason I feel so little self worth is because I feel as if I am the root of every argument and make everything worse for the people around me. I do have family that loves me and I am so grateful for that, but at the same time I stress them out because of my constant issues and I feel awful for doing so. I just fail to see anything helpful that I have contributed to within my lifetime to this point. People enjoy my company but what I really want is to visibly make a difference in someones life, to contribute to something that will help people, or overall make a tremendous impact on the well being of people around me. I feel as if no matter how hard I try, my past mistakes and issues will prevent me from doing so. I believe that because my impact or lack there of makes me who I am.
You mentioned you are taking anti-depressants, does that mean you are seeing a therapist too?
I did for a while but it wasn’t for relationship health, it was more for finding self worth. However in the midst of the current virus outbreak I am no longer able to see him and will not until everything settles down.
Is it just your relationship that is making you feel worthless? What all has you feeling so hard on yourself?
It isn’t my relationship entirely, Its not my girlfriend that makes me feel so worthless. It is the mistakes I make not only in my relationship but within my life. I feel as if I constantly make things worse when that is the furthest thing from my intentions. In efforts to display my disapproval about something I either am not clear as to what I am upset about, or take it too far resulting in an argument. Not one thing is making me feel the way I do, but the lack of overall contribution to the happiness within the people within my life. Simply existing and making someone like my mom happy just doesn’t cut it for me. I want people to be proud of my actions not just the fact that I exist.
Lastly: I feel as if nothing will ever change because despite my efforts, nothing has changed. Perhaps I am impatient but it feels as if i’m always intending to be a good person but in the process mess everything (or feels like everything) up. I just want nothing more than to make my girlfriend the happiest person in the world, along with my family, and my friends.
Thank you so much once again you are an amazing soul. I will work on not speaking until we are both calm I feel that is a major key to our prosperity within the relationship.
All of this makes sense. I know that in my life when I have been hurt, that it took me a while to regain that trust and confidence. It took time to heal. But I also see that you are trying very hard to show her how much you love her and want her to be able to embrace that. Some times the little things make a huge difference. So maybe taking that extra effort to remember to say “Hey, I’m going to be slow as I help x family member, but, I love you” or “Hey, I’m going to go make food so I’ll talk to you in a bit” - I can understand how easy it is for things to slip your mind, because I too have ADHD and I sometimes just mindlessly start doing things and don’t even think about that kind of small stuff. But, you’d be surprised at what a small effort in that regard could do in the healing process. Because it shows her that you are trying ,that you value her feelings and are acknowledging it.
Over thinking can be rough. I do that sometimes. My partner always tries to hep me come out of that, by gently reminding me that he cares, that he is there and will try to kindly remind me of calm thinking. Sounds like she is having a hard time moving past that. So maybe you guys can talk about ways that would help her be able to forgive you, so you guys can move past that. Communication is key. I know that is something you mentioned you struggle with. It takes effort. But I think also maybe trying to help each other more kindly and less anger could help. I try my best to not talk when I’m angry.
Anyway. I do not want to over step at all. Every relationship is different so everyone heals and communicates different. Communication can be a hard thing to practice but it can be very healing to both of you.
I can relate to this on so many levels. And you know, I am no saint. I have made a lot of poor choices in my past. A lot of hurtful decisions and I carried the weight of that for so many years. I felt like I wasn’t worth loving, like I wasn’t worth being with and I just felt like I’d never be able to see past my past. It felt like it would always linger over my head. But you know what friend. You cannot change your past. Your past does NOT have to define you. You are in TODAY. And tomorrow is always a new start. We are going forward. You can be these things that you want. To yourself, to your relationship and to people you interact with.Your past does not have to control who you are today and tomorrow my friend. You cannot control the past but you CAN control today. So as you do things, just choose to do things that are aligned with the things you just said you wanted. Speak with love and patience. When things get frustrating take a step back, take a breath and remember that anger will often not resolve things. Try to keep calm and practice patience. It’s so hard. But these things do make a difference. Compassion makes a difference. To family, to relationships to strangers. I try to stop myself when I know what about Im about to say is just going to make things worse. Though, as a human I still slip. We all do. But with effort we can change that. We can thrive to be the people we want to be. And the past does not have to stop us.
Hey, regardless of why, you were going. But yea, with this Corona, I can see why it would be on hold. You could take advantage of the 7 day free trial for online counseling if you want. If you think that could help. Then you’d be able to text a counselor whenever you want or set up a voice chat. https://www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport
You know, friend. I can see that you are trying really hard in your life to do good, to be better, to work your relationship. I can see your longing to be a better version of you. I see you reaching out. These are steps of becoming better within yourself. And that is something to be proud of. Sincerely. Because you are TRYING. Some people don’t even try. Some people won’t even admit where they have messed up or wronged someone else. I have seen you open up about yourself. I have seen you share in honesty where you are struggling and where you have slipped. Dude, that is STRENGTH! That is COURAGE. That is not easy. In my past, I made mistakes and I did not know how to own up to them. It took me a long time to learn how to do that. I admire you for owning up to where you have slipped. And I think you have great strength to be aware of where you want to grow. That counts as something. Be proud of yourself for these victories. And those are not small victories. Those are big. It may not feel like it. But it is. Now, just keep fighting. Keep looking towards the things you want to grow in. You can do this.
Darl’n you are trying. Like I said. You may not be able to see the change now. Things don’t happen over night. Things sometimes take time. But they can change. They can get better. Just keep staying focused on the person you want to be. On the things that can help you be that person.
You should look into Dwarf Planet. https://heartsupport.com/resources/ It’s a book and guide through depression. I have been working through this and it has been a great way to self reflect and really get in touch with the root of my depression and how that impacts my life. And I’d be more than willing to talk to you if you wanted a friend as you went through it. The offer is there if you are interested.
Anyway. Friend. I want to again remind you that you matter. And your efforts matter. Even if you don’t feel like it right now. You are so much stronger than you credit yourself. Were here if you need a friend. My DM are there. The discord is there if you want to be a part of the community there. https://discord.gg/HCBdQ4
Here are some videos of encouragement:
Hey. I care. You are not alone. And we’re here to talk as much as you need.