Trust in the process or suicide?

Hey guys… So, I spend a lot of time in the community, but figured it’s time I step outside my comfort zone and made a post.

There’s a few things that I’m struggling with and I honestly feel stupid even talking about them but here we go.
I grew up in a highly abusive home, and I’m actively trying to escape it, but circumstances are getting more and more intense making it hard. Such as not knowing how much longer I’ll be at my job or where I can even move to. My therapist and I believe that the abuse I receive is why I get so attached to people who show me care so quickly… It’s been a few days since I’ve spoken to any of my friends and honestly none of them have reached out to check on me knowing that I’m in a low place right now which really hurts. I’ve been starting to get suicidal thoughts, I’m harming myself and I’m scared that one small thing is going to push me over the edge but I’m so terrified that if I reach out I’m going to be bothering my friends. I mean, if they haven’t even bothered to message me surely they’re not as invested in the relationship we have so why would they help me?
I can’t turn to my parents because even the mention of emotional struggles turns this place into a war zone. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m st the end of my rope and suicide is looking more attractive as time goes by

The only contact I’ve really had with someone is them telling me that I won’t possibly be accepted into Heaven and I’m not worthy of Gods love because I’m attracted to girls. What do I do when the only person to talk to me is saying things like that and I’m stuck in a lot of depression working a dead-end job? What do I even have to live for?


Hi, friend

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now.

I was raised in an abusive and toxic house hold as well. Mentally, emotionally and physically. My mother was a drug addict and very physical with me a lot. We fought. I grew up with autism and raised in a family with no understanding and treated me like I was weird and not worth loving. Like I was too difficult.

I don’t know your situation but I’m so sorry that you were raised in a rough place.

I understand too, the discrimination against liking girls. I came out when I was almost 20 and my mother thought it was absolutely disgusting. She held against me. My grandparents are old school so naturally for her, homosexuality of any type is frowned upon. I had friends who found out and then didn’t even want to touch me anymore because it made them uncomfortable.

I was also told that I was selfish for my sexuality, especially since I was also married. Married or not…my sexual status doesn’t change. You don’t become less gay or less bi according to your marital or relationship status.

So I can understand that too.

And let me tell you something. Nobody has a right to tell you that you aren’t welcome in heaven due to that. Because even if it is a sin, (which I personally don’t believe, but that’s me) it doesn’t matter because no sin is greater than another. We are all “sinners” thus your chance of not getting in heaven is no less likely than the person who told you that to begin with.

Nobody has a right to cast judgement on you. That is God’s place and nobody else. That’s between you and your relationship with God. You know?

This is a long time battle of mine. So it breaks my heart that you too are having to struggle with this.

I mean of course this is all my own personal opinion so I can’t say “I’m right” . It’s just what I believe to be true. Okay. I just feel like you should not guilt for being who you are. Love yourself for all that you are. Sexuality and all. Despite what others may say.

Anyway, I’m sorry you are struggling right now. I’m glad that you have a therapist that you can work with. That’s really great. And I hope that they are able to help you find guidance through all of this so that you can find peace and happiness.

You matter. You are important. You are valued. And you are loved for who are you are. As you are.

  • Kitty

Mikayla - thank you for reaching out. I want you to know first and foremost that your life is worth living. You may find one day that your struggle story of today is someone’s inspiration in a week, a month, a year, a decade. Imagine telling your story of abuse and neglect and rejection and how you kept putting on foot in front of the other to live another day. Imagine seeing in the face of another person the recognition, knowing they are going through something similar, understanding the one thing that could help them in that moment is compassion and empathy and being able to give it to them because you’re still here!

I have felt the same when it comes to friends not reaching out, but then when I do reach out and get their responses, it’s something I cling to. I’ve talked to some of them when I’m not having a dark day to ask them “hey, if I reach out, am I bothering you?” or “is there anything you’re not comfortable with me reaching out to you about when I’m feeling down?” That way I know who is safe and can understand better who is in my corner with me.

As far as the person saying you won’t get into Heaven… The Bible is filled with lists of reasons you won’t get into heaven, but people do those things anyway. The Pope even said being gay shouldn’t be a condemning thing and that people shouldn’t judge but should be inclusive of such diversity. You have so much to offer the world, and I truly feel your story has volumes of unwritten pages to be filled with things your current self will be so glad you lived to talk about.

Just hold on.

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Thank you for sharing and reaching out. Please reach out to people when you need help. I know it can be easy for our minds to trick us into thinking that nobody cares about us or we are a bother but those are lies. Your life is worth it! If you are in a place where you are a danger then please do what you have to to keep yourself safe because your life matters. If that means calling/texting a friend or your therapist or a help center then do it. I’m sorry to hear that someone told you that you don’t deserve God’s love because that is messed up and also not even true. It is not their role to judge you, and Jesus made it very clear that nobody is excluded from his love and grace. You are in a very hard time in your life but you can fight through it day by day. We are here for you and believe in you :star:

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