I’ve taken a small break from responding this weekend.
With being autistic and having extreme sensory sensitivity it has been really challenging to face the weekend as I live with 3 other adults and an extremely intrusive dog. With covid-19, the already existing issues of lack of space or ability to escape from everything feeding my senses has been doubled and even more difficult.
I can’t hang with friends in voice chat because I can’t handle the constant noise of open mics and feeding my brain loud noises. Especially when several things at once. Everyone talking plus background noise. It makes it hard to participate. Push-to-talk seems to be this huge inconvenience to people and often leads to complaining about how annoying it is. So I’ve stopped asking and trying to explain what it means for me. Most the time I just sit out instead of being a fun sponge to everyone else.
Currently sitting here listening to the loud roar of vacuuming, the loud vacuum bumping into the walls, while the dog aggressively chews on a squeaker toy that is echoing through out the house. This has been going on non stop for an hour.
Most people will tell me to put ear plugs in or ear protectors. But what people don’t understand is, I have severe ear sensitivity. I cannot handle things covering my ear. The sounds and sensations that come with plugging my ears or having something over/in them, especially with noise cancelling, is painful. I don’t know how to explain this pain. But my brain and my sensory receiving cannot handle.
Most of the time when there is a lot of sensory coming in at once I just have to lay down and cry through it. Till I feel better or it passes. There is no other option. In streams I enjoy I just have to mute them.
I’m pretty used to living in a world where catering to people like myself is difficult, inconvenient or impossible.
With everything going on, I’ve been in a bad head space. So if I’m slow to response, not enthusiastic to hang or voice chat or simply not very present, I apologize. It’s not personal. I’m just having a hard time living in a shared space and processing all of the noise and sensory coming in and having no escape. Trying my best to get through it.
It’s hard to explain what living with sensory issues is like. Unless you’ve lived it and know the severity of it from experience it’s hard to bring you to that level of understanding.
So I may be slow or distant for a couple days. I’m in a bad head space. Trying my best to power through it.
Right now, this has mostly meant sitting solo playing Animal Crossing for a ridiculous amount of hours straight. Embracing the happy of the game. While trying to nurse my senses back to sanity and distract from the overwhelming weight of anxiety that has been consuming me. (That started long before covid 19 became a factor and naturally that has just intensified everything)
Normally the wall and helping others is a healing aid for me. But right now, I could use a break from being the encourager and use some encouragement.